{"numero_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_sha256": "5d3bab8136d9339116a98fb4143bc4548d701cce5ebe2dece5aba9043b597976", "source_tei": "https://github.com/Princeton-CDH/bluemountain-transcriptions/blob/main/periodicals/bmtnaat/issues/1913/11_01/bmtnaat_1913-11_01.tei.xml", "source_mets": "https://github.com/pulibrary/BlueMountain/blob/main/metadata/periodicals/bmtnaat/issues/1913/11_01/bmtnaat_1913-11_01.mets.xml", "url_numero": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01", "articles": [{"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c001", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c001", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "couv. 1", "page_fin": "couv. 1", "image_debut": 1, "image_fin": 1, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.1", "titre_corps": "Diary of a Suicide", "titre_sommaire": "Diary of a Suicide", "signature_source": "Wallace E. Baker", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 1, "page_imprimee": "couv. 1", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.1", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 38, "texte": "Diary of a Suicide\nBy Wallace E. Baker"}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c002", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c002", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "couv. 2", "page_fin": "couv. 2", "image_debut": 2, "image_fin": 2, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.2", "titre_corps": "THE only editorial policy of THE GLEBE is", "titre_sommaire": "THE only editorial policy of THE GLEBE is", "signature_source": "", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 2, "page_imprimee": "couv. 2", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.2", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1099, "texte": "THE only editorial policy of THE GLEBE is\nthat embodied in its declaration of absolute\nfreedom of expression, which makes for a range\nbroad enough to include every temperament from\nthe most radical to the most conservative, the only\nrequisite being that the work should have unmistakable\nmerit. Each issue will be devoted exclusively\nto one individual, thereby giving him an op-\nportunity to present his work in sufficient bulk to\nmake it possible for the reader to obtain a much\nmore comprehensive grasp of his personality than is\nafforded him in the restricted space allotted by the\nother magazines. Published monthly, or more frequently\nif possible, THE GLEBE will issue twelve\nto twenty books per year, chosen on their merits\nalone, since the subscription list does away with the\nneed of catering to the popular demand that confronts\nevery publisher. Thus, THE GLEBE can\npromise the best work of American and foreign\nauthors, known and unknown.\nThe price of each issue of THE GLEBE will vary\nwith the cost of publication, but the yearly subscription,\nincluding special numbers, is three dollars."}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c003", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c003", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "n. p.", "page_fin": "n. p.", "image_debut": 3, "image_fin": 3, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.3", "titre_corps": "Diary of a Suicide", "titre_sommaire": "Diary of a Suicide", "signature_source": "", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 3, "page_imprimee": "n. p.", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.3", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 18, "texte": "Diary of a Suicide"}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c004", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c004", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "[3]", "page_fin": "[3]", "image_debut": 5, "image_fin": 5, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.4", "titre_corps": "Diary of a Suicide", "titre_sommaire": "Diary of a Suicide", "signature_source": "Wallace E. Baker", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 5, "page_imprimee": "[3]", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.5", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 38, "texte": "Diary of a Suicide\nBy\nWallace E. Baker"}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c005", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c005", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "5", "page_fin": "5", "image_debut": 7, "image_fin": 7, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.5", "titre_corps": "FOREWORD.", "titre_sommaire": "FOREWORD.", "signature_source": "A. K", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 7, "page_imprimee": "5", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.7", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1340, "texte": "FOREWORD.\nA. K.\nOn Sept. 28th, 1913, Mr. B. Russell Herts, of\n\"The International,\" received the following letter:\nNew York, Sept. 27, 1913.\nMr. B. Russell Herts,\nc/o International Magazine,\nNew York City.\nDear Mr. Herts:—Under separate cover I am send-\ning you a record of a young man who is about to com-\nmit suicide. My only object is that it may help, if\npublished in part or whole, to ease the way for some\nwho come after.\nIf you will kindly read it through, especially the\nlatter part, you will be able to judge whether you care\nto make any use of it. If not, kindly mail same to\nMr. , Toronto, Ont.\nI have cut out references to places and people here\nand there for their sake, because naturally I cannot be\nworried about myself after death.\nThanking you for giving this matter your attention,\nI remain,\nI do not sign this, but you may verify my death by\ncommunicating with Mr. , whom I am writing\nto-day, so that he may look after my effects in New\nYork.\nThe body of a well-dressed young man was\nfound off Manhattan Beach, Sept. 28th. In his\npockets a torn photograph of Strindberg and receipts\nfor three registered letters were found. These re-\nceipts were traced to Mr. Herts and to friends in\nToronto, one of whom identified the body on Oct. 2d\nas that of Wallace E. Baker. He was buried on\nOct. 3d in Evergreen Cemetery, Brooklyn."}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c006", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c006", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "6", "page_fin": "6", "image_debut": 8, "image_fin": 8, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.6", "titre_corps": "Note: In cutting out his references to places and people,", "titre_sommaire": "Note: In cutting out his references to places and people,", "signature_source": "", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 8, "page_imprimee": "6", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.8", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 244, "texte": "Note: In cutting out his references to places and people,\nBaker marred some of the text. These excisions are indicated\nby dots, dashes or stars.\nTHE GLEBE is indebted to Mr. Herts and \"The International\"\nfor the permission to publish the diary."}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c007", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c007", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "7", "page_fin": "83", "image_debut": 9, "image_fin": 85, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.7", "titre_corps": "THE DIARY OF A SUICIDE", "titre_sommaire": "THE DIARY OF A SUICIDE", "signature_source": "", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 9, "page_imprimee": "7", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.9", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1404, "texte": "THE DIARY OF A SUICIDE\n—, January 26, 1912. It is with mingled feel-\nings of hope, discouragement, joy and pain that I\nbegin the second book of my diary.\nMy hope springs from the fact that my outlook\nseems to be clearer ahead, the old uncertainty is\nmore in the background, but there is another side\nto it all. My discouragement comes from my con-\nstant feeling of tiredness, less evident in the even-\ning and for awhile at night, but exceedingly strong\nduring every afternoon with few exceptions. This\nhas resulted in my weak yielding to weakness at\nnight, and only last night after my confidence that\nI had gained a certain mastery I was overcome.\nThis was partly from the fact that I worked at the\noffice until nearly ten o'clock, charging a supper\nwith wine to the firm. Although I drink very little,\nnow and again I have gone out and taken a decent\nmeal with wine to get away from the monotonous\nboarding-house fare. A small bottle which I nearly\nemptied (cheap wine) resulted in making me feel\ngood—l have never been under the influence of\nliquor more than to feel good, never without full\npossession of my faculties, but on the rare occasions\nwhen I have taken a little I have sometimes noticed\na weakening of the faculties, a sort of lack of moral\nrestraint. I had enough last night to weaken for\na time my new found resolutions, but the succeed-\ning absolute disgust and worry lead me to believe"}, {"page_pdf": 10, "page_imprimee": "8", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.10", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1533, "texte": "that I was not wrong in thinking that the struggle\nis now on a higher plane.\nMy salary was increased at the first of the year\nto $22.50 a week. Although glad of this, my old-\ntime pleasure at the receipt of more money each\npay-day is lacking. Money I must have to live,\nfurther than that it seems a pitiful waste of time\nto spend one's life in a mad endeavor to obtain\nwealth at the price of all that counts.\nHavana, Cuba, February 29, 1912. Leap-year\nand a good opportunity to enter on a bigger fight.\nI must date my beginning this time as February 18,\nbeing the day after my last fall from grace. The\nweek and a half since, however, makes me feel con-\nfident once more, despite that for three or four\ndays I have been without a night's rest, owing to\nstomach trouble and the nervousness thereby en-\ngendered, but this is nothing unusual, that is, the\nloss of sleep, for it is long since I have had a real\ngood night's rest, and I know a crisis is approach-\ning and I must get rested ere I collapse.\nI have read during this time \"Ibsen, the Man,\nHis Art and Flis Significance,\" by Haldane Macfall,\nand it has given me great encouragement and\naroused intense enthusiasm. I feel that I am get-\nting back my old enthusiasm, that I am recovering\nmy ideals on a higher basis, although I am undoubt-\nedly weaker than ever physically. But with in-\ncreased moral strength I hope soon to cut down\nthe buts, howevers, althoughs, and to stand forth\nwith more decision, more firmness, and knowing\nmyself, and with my ideas and ideals clarified."}, {"page_pdf": 11, "page_imprimee": "9", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.11", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1636, "texte": "During the last two months the first step in this\nattempted regeneration has been becoming more\nand more a determination, emerging from a mere\nunsettled idea—must return home for various\nreasons. First, I am played out physically and\nneed rest. More important should be the fact that\nmy mother is getting old, has been constantly call-\ning to me to return, worries about me, needs me\nto put my shoulder to the wheel more than I have\ndone. True, I have systematically put apart for my\nmother a certain amount every month for a long-\ntime and have sent it without fail even when only\nearning $lO a week back in the early part of 1910.\nThis at least has kept me in constant touch with\nmy dear old home, full of strife though it was.\nWhile I have at frequently recurring periods\nthought of returning home during the past year and\na half, my resolution did not crystallize until I be-\ngan to feel the compelling necessity of a rest, bodily,\nmentally, and, I might say, morally. Hot and cold\nby turns, lonely, sleepless, tired and generally run\ndown, I have not been able to look at things in\ntheir true proportion, and I must get away for\nawhile from the daily struggle, keeping up the\nmental and moral one, however. To this end I\nhave practically cut out all amusement. Night after\nnight I come home tired out, read a little, generally\ntill lights are out at 10:30, and then to my dis-\nturbed sleep. Getting up early as to-day (7:00 to\n7:30 being early for me) I either read, study, write\nas to-day, or work on my story which I started last\nAugust and of which I will write more later. This\nelimination of outside distractions is helping to"}, {"page_pdf": 12, "page_imprimee": "10", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.12", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1552, "texte": "strengthen me, helping me to look forward to a life\nof service without the necessity of foolish excite-\nment, and the money I am saving by this closeness\nin everything except necessities I hope to enable\nme to go home, rest, think, exercise, and study\ncalmly and sanely for a year, paying my mother a\nregular weekly amount; and I hope at the end of\nthe year to have sufficiently found myself to go\nahead on my work with more collected ideas as\nto what I want and what I should want, and all\nto the better interests of my mother, myself and\nthe good of others with whom I may come in con-\ntact. By the middle of this year. I hope to take\nthe first step by returning home.\nHavana, Sunday, March 17, 1912. The 15th\nushered in a new start, and the 16th was a very\nimportant day. On the 14th I had been thinking\nvery intently about future plans and went very\ncarefully over the ground of a possible college\ncourse. I picked up my Self Educators and looked\ninto the various subjects for study, estimated the\ntime I would have to spend on a college course;\nthe financial difficulties, my mother's need of my\nhelp, my temperament and pronounced predilection\nfor certain things and as pronounced aversion for\nothers, my nervousness and constant mental strug-\ngle ; the result of all this was to confirm what I\nwrote on January 8, that I had about given up the\nidea. The only hope, or rather possibility I have\nin view now, is that I may take a course in certain\nspecial subjects—literature, drama, philosophy,\nlogic and sociology, but I hate mathematics. I pick"}, {"page_pdf": 13, "page_imprimee": "11", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.13", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1516, "texte": "up a book of algebra with extreme distaste and,\nalthough my enthusiasm in New York caused me\nto study this subject fairly assiduously, I see it was\na mistake.\nI have a distinct tendency and deep enthusiasm\nfor literature, gradually awakening from my first\nboyish effusions at the age of 10, and it was a\nwaste of time to neglect what I can excel in for the\nsake of a mistaken idea that a college education\nmeans so much.\nThe reason that the 15th of this month was\nan important day is that, following my decision of\nthe previous day re college and subsequent weak-\nness, I made a big step towards finding myself on\nthe 15th. While I had known for some time that\nI did not care for mathematics, Latin, Greek, and\nprobably several other subjects, I still cherished\nthe idea that I wanted to go deep into philosophy\nand possibly biology, and, of course, study soci-\nology, logic and perhaps economics seriously. This\nwas sufficient to cause me to put in considerable\nwasted time on the subjects I did not like, espec-\nially algebra.\nOn the day mentioned, but two days ago, I\nlooked into this matter in the view of a special\ncollege course, eliminating mathematics. Then I\nrealized that I liked the subjects as long as they\ndid not become too abstruse or mathematical. I\nsaw that biology as soon as one gets past the popu-\nlar books on the subject and the \"Origin of Species\"\nbecomes a subject of much mathematics and dry\nscience, as evidenced by Huxley's Essays, which I\nunsuccessfully endeavored to digest with enthusi-"}, {"page_pdf": 14, "page_imprimee": "12", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.14", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1648, "texte": "asm. Now I know that I merely want to study\nbiology in a general way for the sake of culture\nand because of a thirst for knowledge, which, how-\never, is not sufficient to make me go into the dry\ndetails. lam interested, however, very much in the\nquestion of heredity, but not to specialize in. The\nrealization of this in regard to biology, coming sud-\ndenly and sharply, caused a sort of awakening. I be-\ngan to search my other tendencies and realized that\nI did not like the dry, obstruse details of philoso-\nphy either, nor economics, but that byway of work-\ning out a philosophy of life or conduct and hope for\nfuture, I was very greatly, more, vitally, interested\nin the subject. I like to read and study philoso-\nphy as giving a basis for a plan of life, but when\nyou get to the brain wearying works of Kant and\nthe like it is different. For instance, in reading of\nIbsen and Tolstoy and their philosophy of anarch-\nism, or their mystic-realism as it has been de-\nscribed, I am intensely interested. I imagine\nNietzsche would be of great interest to me, possibly\nSchopenhauer and others—I intend to look into\nBergson's divine impulse, but to go deep into a\nmass of details, no! I am looking for light, for a\nphilosophy of life, and I might mention James and\nhis Pragmatism as another one to look into.\nAbout the same applies to psychology. Sociol-\nogy I am still doubtful of, but all social questions\nand matters of world-wide importance interest me.\nBut when I turn to literature and the drama, it\nis no longer a matter of doubt. On March 15, as\nI was in my room thinking over these questions\nand had come to the conclusions above, I realized"}, {"page_pdf": 15, "page_imprimee": "13", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.15", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1637, "texte": "in a flash that my temperament was more artistic\nthan scientific, the latter coming from my German\nheredity, and undoubtedly being strong, however.\nThe little details of literary work do not bore me.\nOf course, I like the dreams best and lately find\nit great pleasure to sit down and write, write. I\nspend hours collecting scraps of books, authors,\ndrama, and also philosophy and psychology, sociol-\nogy, etc., but principally literature, drama and allied\nbranches. Even the details of grammar do not\nseem tiresome any more, and, compared to my\naversion for algebra, I can see that the worst in\nthe pursuit of literature is a pleasure compared to\nthe best in other things, especially business.\nOf course, I have much to find out yet, but it\nwas a great step to relieve myself of so many doubts\nand make literature my pursuit through thick and\nthin, as I have determined to do, knowing it is my\none line. I am not sure whether I can write best\nshort stories, novels or dramas. Short stories only\nappeal to me as means of expressing myself where\nI have not a big enough idea for something bigger\nand better, but I love to write them just the same.\n(I have only written one of 8,000 or more words,\nbut I have taken numerous notes, written many\narticles of various kinds and recorded incidents and\nanecdotes, which I shall use fully later, and all this\nwith an enthusiasm and pleasure not gauged by\nthought of profit or even publication in all cases.)\nOn the other hand, novels are an unknown\nquantity. I do not know whether I am a good de-\nscriptive writer, whether character drawing is my\nforte, or narration is a strong point with me, al-"}, {"page_pdf": 16, "page_imprimee": "14", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.16", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1523, "texte": "though I find I can write along without hesitation\nin writing of occurrences, and I notice the peculiari-\nties and little foibles of my fellow boarders and see\nwhat good material there is here for character\ndrawing, but I do not find it so easy to put this\ndown on paper with that human touch which makes\none like to read some authors, notably Dickens.\nAgain, the drama has always made a powerful\nappeal to me. I always liked a strong drama,\nenjoyed Shakespeare both in reading and acting,\neagerly devoured dramatic criticisms and I have\nthought lately very much about this, and I know\nI should like to write strong dramas of our modern\nlife. However, I shall have to study Ibsen, Strind-\nberg, Brieux, Shaw, and others before I can come\nto any conclusion as to this.\nHowever, a sea of doubts are now behind and\n\\ *\nthe vista before me is bright.\nYesterday, however, while a day of great inter-\nest, was also one of misery, which perhaps accounts\nfor my optimism to-day,—action and reaction being\nvery often equal and opposite with me.\nHavana, Sunday, March 24, 1912. Another be-\nginning to-day and I hope a good one. The un-\nfinished story of the 16th, Saturday, which I failed\nto relate last Sunday, was the burial of the Maine.\nDeciding at the last moment to witness this, I\nboarded the Purisima Concepcion at about 1 o'clock.\nAfter a short time, while looking overboard at the\nstruggling crowds, a lot of rope and tackle came\ndown on me from overhead and took half of the\nday's pleasure away in the shape of my glasses."}, {"page_pdf": 17, "page_imprimee": "15", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.17", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1609, "texte": "Thereafter I witnessed all the events with my one\nremaining lense held over one eye and tied to a\nhandkerchief covering the other and tied behind\nmy ear. It was a miserable subterfuge, and to add\nto it all I had a beautiful headache; cold, and the\nfear of glass in my eye—for one lense was smashed\nright over my eye. However, a day's strain was\nall that happened, and when it was all over I voted\nthat the day's pleasure was worth it.\nThe sea was very rough and many people were\nsea-sick, but I enjoyed it very much. About 5\no'clock we were all lined up, the United States\nnaval vessels, North Carolina and Birmingham, the\nMaine in between, and beyond on the side opposite\nus the diminutive Cuban navy. The sea cocks were\nopened and we all looked with intense interest, I\nstraining my one eye with everything forgotten.\nFor twenty minutes the Maine did not seem to be\nfilling very rapidly. At 5 :20, however, the sinking\nwas noticeable; then as we stared she settled deeper\nand deeper, the stern, where the bulkhead was, sink-\ning first; then suddenly she turned, the stern went\nunder, the forward was up in the air at an angle\nof 45 degrees or more; it was a thrilling sight.\nThen with gathering momentum she went down.\nAt 5:27 the waters of the gulf covered the last\nvestiges of one of the great tragedies of history.\nIt was a grand sight; Nature herself seemed in\nmourning; for the day, bright and clear in the fore-\nnoon and early afternoon, had gradually become\ndarker, and she disappeared with the sky overcast\nand a solemn hush over everything. I know this\nwas the way it impressed me, and all my petty"}, {"page_pdf": 18, "page_imprimee": "16", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.18", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1323, "texte": "troubles were forgotten in the grand scene before\nme.\nIn an endeavor to discover my feelings of a\nday, from the 10th to the 15th, I kept a short record\nbyway of finding out how much I could count on\nmyself in my struggle, and the result showed me\nthat I lack exercise, am too nervous and over-\nstrung to put forth my best efforts, all of which\nconfirms the wisdom of my decision to return home\nto find myself after a rest.\nSunday, March 10—Fair in morning; depressed\nlater.\nMonday, March 11—Fine until middle of after-\nnoon, then tired and nervously depressed. Night,\ncheerful again; bedtime, terribly nervous, depressed,\nwakeful, worried and despairing.\nTuesday, March 12—Tired from previous night's\ndepths of gloom; calm later, fair night.\nWednesday, March 13—Calm and enthusiastic;\ntired, but not depressed, later restless in bed.\nThursday, March 14—Quiet and calm, exhausted\nfrom previous flurries; later, storm again, very bad,\nand depths of morbid despair.\nFriday, March 15—Ambitious and determined—\nfine all day—restless night.\nThe above pretty well represents my struggle\nfor a long time, but through it all I have had a\nconfidence in the final triumph and a constant re-\nturn to my ideals and ambition, and I am noticing\na gradual elimination of some weaknesses. The\nblue moods I am beginning to check before going"}, {"page_pdf": 19, "page_imprimee": "17", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.19", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1510, "texte": "too far, and the ecstasy I am also holding in an en-\ndeavor to preserve a calm, ceaselessly persistent\ndemeanor, neither too hot nor too cold.\nTo-day I hope to be a model one, one of steady\nwork, writing, studying, arranging papers; no time\nfor self-consciousness, worrying or anything else.\nSo far, from 6:25 to 8:25, it has been ideal.\n—, March 24, 1912, 9:53 P. M. After another\ndespicable fall following on a good and bad day, I\nam almost desperate and realize that the fight for\nlife must come to a head soon. I wrote the pre-\nceding from 7:35 to 8:25 this morning. Following\nthat I started in on my scraps and about 11 o'clock\nmy plan for a hard day's work came to naught,\nbecause of a disturbed mind due, as I know, to too\nmuch of one thing. I simply have not the capacity\nto stick to one thing very long, although the\nthings I like are always fresh after diversion. Go-\ning out for a change, some of the boys asked me\nto cross the river for a good walk. I consented,\nand after dinner (almuerzo or breakfast here), we\ntook bum boat to landing near Morro, walked to\nCojimar, across country, along shore and on roads,\nand thence to Regla. The hot sun and dusty roads\ntired me, and to-night, tired and wearied, I fell.\nToo much is killing for me. I must hold off, and\nsimply cannot stand any day too much of anything.\nThere simply has got to be a readjustment or I\nshall go crazy or become desperate. Below all this\nI feel the fight welling up in me, however, and to-\nmorrow must hold forth better promise."}, {"page_pdf": 20, "page_imprimee": "18", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.20", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1580, "texte": "Havana, Tuesday, April 9, 1912, 12:30 A. M.\nSomebody has. said, \"War is hell.\" I say, \"Life is\nHell,\" with a capital H. God! but I would not\nhave believed it possible a few years ago that a\nman could go through such prolonged mental agony.\nAm I a degenerate? Is there some insidious form\nof insanity slowly creeping over me? Gautier has\nsaid that nothing is beyond words. I deny this—\nI could be as eloquent as ever man was, have as\nfine a command of language, be as fluent, brilliant\nas the best of the masters; but I could not describe\nthe agony of the past few weeks.\nIt is not alone the nervousness, loneliness, and\nthe old tired feeling; the sudden bursts of enthusi-\nasm, followed by strange periods of peculiar calm-\nness, now peaceful, now raging, now with an un-\nholy joy in I know not what; then black despair\nseemingly without cause, it is more than this. Self-\nconsciousness to an extreme, fight it as I will, and\nyet a deep absorption in anything which really in-\nterests me so that I lose my identity in it. Thus\nmy deep love for the theatre, even moving picture\ndramas, for the strong stories of love, passion and\nmental states of the French writers, little as I have\nread of them. If I could always find something\nto interest me the solution might be at hand, but\nwith the same dreary prospect of day after day of\nhell, hell, hell (the other word for business to an\nartistic temperament), how can I get a night's\nrest? I lie awake and go through all the hot pas-\nsions, wild enthusiasms, ecstatic feelings, morbid\nthoughts, wrath at the existing order of things. I"}, {"page_pdf": 21, "page_imprimee": "19", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.21", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1618, "texte": "damn everything, and yet I realize how futile my\nscheme of life would be for others.\nSince I last wrote I had started afresh. I have\nthree times lost control over myself, and but an\nhour ago, the last time. It is terrible. With such\nnoble thoughts that come upon me sometimes, such\nbeautiful ideas when I feel in tune with everything\nin the world, and then always the hellish reaction.\nOh, God! what a sorry mess you have made of\nthings. How could you do it? You have made a\nterrible mistake—to make me such a shattered\nwreck before I was out of my youth; to take from\nme everything, strip me naked so that I can say\nnow that I am absolutely indifferent to everything\nexcept to express myself before I die. That idea\nhas taken possession of me. If only I can write\nsuch a book as will express all these mad imagin-\nings, hopeless longings, the void in my life, com-\nplete absence of feminine companionship, doubly\ntrying to one of my hot passionate moods. Harlots\ndisgust me increasingly. It is not morality, for I\nhave come to the state where things are not moral\nand immoral—they are just so. I would not con-\nsider it immoral to-night, for instance, to have in-\ntercourse with a girl who pleased me, but I cannot\nsacrifice what I have in me on the couch of one\nwho sells her passion. I want love, if I under-\nstand it aright. And yet this is not an ever-con-\nsuming passion. I had just as much, or nearly so\nmuch, longing for education up till lately, and have\nonly dropped the idea of going to college because I\nfeel the approach of dissolution unless I can get up\nnorth, rouse my physical self and mayhap feel for"}, {"page_pdf": 22, "page_imprimee": "20", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.22", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1568, "texte": "once physically fit. Lately I have realized that\nthere is something deeper than I before realized in\nall these things. My brain is over-tired, fagged\nout, wearied with too much thought, worry, read-\ning, hate, fear—I know not what—but a change\nmust come soon. It cannot go on. Perhaps there\nis something organically wrong with me—God, if\nyou exist, you should have given me some manly\nvigor commensurate with the mental strength I\nimagine I have, and after all, is my mind weak or\nhas my poor, weak body and abuse merely dragged\nit down, and is it capable of resurrection? It\nseems impossible that I should be born to get so\nnear to some things which touch the deepest strings\nof human conduct, the deepest emotions of heart\nand brain, to have such a keen sense of humor, to\nsee the tragedy underlying it all, to feel a sympa-\nthetic note with the foibles and weaknesses of\nothers, even as I laugh at them or become cynical\nabout them, to walk by the sea and drink in her\nvarying moods, the misty ethereal early mornings,\nthe calmness of gradually settling twilight on a\nday when the waves scarcely ripple, the blood-red\nsunsets with ever-changing cloud effects; the deep,\nmysterious shadows on a dark night, with the moon\nreflected from behind the clouds; the night when\nthe moon is in her glory; the day when an over-\ncast sky symbolizes my overcast soul. These and\nmore have I thrilled with, and all for naught. Give\nme but strength for a few more years and I will\nvindicate myself; but I must break away from this\nagony soon, overpowering, overwhelming—Why, O\nGod?"}, {"page_pdf": 23, "page_imprimee": "21", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.23", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1611, "texte": "—, April 19, 1912, 9:10 P. M. It is just ten\ndays since my terrible night of agony, and I now\nhope again. Following that night I had almost a\nweek of peace, a nervous sort of calm which, how-\never, was better than the other. Then another fall,\nand the last one to-night, I really hope the last.\nIt certainly has been my salvation that I always\ncome back strong in the fight again after a blow,\nbut there are several things which have weakened\nme, and it is in spirit only that I recover; the\nphysical weakness remains and increases. Nerves,\nas a strong man mentally I should hesitate to con-\nfess it, but I am worse than the average woman\nin my hysterical nervous state lately, and, more-\nover, I feel very often that there is something\nvitally wrong deeper, either that, or I am consider-\nably run down, so much so, in fact, that a good\nnight's sleep is a Godsend; a calm, quiet day—joy;\nand yet I would not want too many of the latter,\nfor my adventurous spirit defies my body and says,\n\"Be up and doing.\" Now, to-night I am feeling\ncalm and hopeful and I must win out on one thing\nat least. This will help me with others.\nTrue, I have by no means found myself yet. I\nstill am pulled in many directions, but a hopeful\nsign is the abhorrence nearly always with me now\nof the low, common and vulgar. I could overlook\nin myself a little laxness in many things, but I\nnever forgive myself the vulgar act and speech, de-\nspite my lack of moral code at present and my\nartistic indifference, to which is added lately, but\nonly temporarily, I hope, a lethargic indifference,\nborn of that ever-recurring tired feeling."}, {"page_pdf": 24, "page_imprimee": "22", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.24", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1598, "texte": "An idea which has gradually been forming in\nmy mind I hope to begin to put into definite form\njust four weeks from to-night, and I then hope to\nhave four clean weeks behind me as a start for my\nyear's abstention from passion. During this time,\nwhile endeavoring to obtain a foothold in the maga-\nzine field with short stories, my big idea is to write\na novel of the various struggles and emotions of\nan ambitious, erratic youth, with a premature\nweariness, and unless pre-empted by another, I shall\nvery probably call this \"A Youth Who Was\nPrematurely Tired,\" suggested by a criticism of\nMademoiselle de Maupin, but this is to be alto-\ngether dififerent, and is to touch the depths of\nagony and despair contrasted with the heights of\necstasy and the fierce, hungry longings, terrible dis-\nappointments, unrelieved passion, loneliness, am-\nbition, morbidity, deep poetic feeling, and the other\nemotions of a sensitive, over-nervous youth of\nartistic temperament and large insight tempered by\nmany paradoxes in character.\nI have found myself enough to see the necessity\nof one course at least, that is, to preserve a dignified\nsilence. The coarse, vulgar familiarity of the fel-\nlows I have met has jarred on me more and more,\nand I see that my only escape in the future is to\nmaintain a reserve and a dignity beyond which no\nman may penetrate. Anything I reveal will be\nby writing, not by speech. I have made consider-\nable progress, but still have to fight a foolish talka-\ntiveness on occasions.\nAnother policy I expect I will follow later, at\nleast, will be the cultivation of courtesy and a more"}, {"page_pdf": 25, "page_imprimee": "23", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.25", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1358, "texte": "gentlemanly treatment of others, friends and other-\nwise.\nI only have to overcome one or two little weak-\nnesses, and to recover what I have lost physically\nto be able to win out—and I will.\n—, Sunday, April 21, 1912. After another re-\nlapse last night, I am beginning to think that much\nof my so-called idealism is merely a pitiable, boy-\nish, conceited foolishness. This has often come to\nmy mind, but I hesitated to express it; but if I am\nsincere I must record the other side of the question.\nTo-day may or may not be the beginning of a\nmore sensible outlook as far as my erratic, artistic\ntemperament will permit. In any case this strain,\nself-imposed for the most part, must stop even if\nI have to throw over a few pet theories. I must\nbe human even at the expense of virtue. I almost\ncongratulate myself that I can at least laugh at my\nown foibles and enjoy the joke, just as I cannot\nhelp, cynically to a certain extent, pointing out\nothers' foolish earnestness over nothing. My sense\nof humor is indeed my saving grace.\nHavana, Friday, April 26, 1912. Hope dis-\npelled, but I am making progress. Since my\nawakening the last few months of last year and\nthe first of this year, the reactions have been short\nand sharp for the most part. Probably the worst\none began a little over a week ago and culminated\nyesterday. During this week, while I have not"}, {"page_pdf": 26, "page_imprimee": "24", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.26", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1419, "texte": "had more than one very bad night, there was a\nperceptible diminution of my spirit of fight and I\ntemporarily slipped back into the old mood of in-\ndifference. However, I have recovered, stronger I\nhope, from the temporary weakness.\nHavana, Wednesday, May 1, 1912, 4:20 A. M.\nSlowly but surely the net is tightening. The past\nfew months have been such a hell as I hope few\nyoung men in their bare majority have passed\nthrough. Day by day the work at the office be-\ncomes more of a burden, a yoke. Come 11:15 or\ntime for lunch (almuerzo or breakfast here), and\nI feel as if I were leaving prison. Strive as I may\nto concentrate my mind on routine work I look for-\nward to getting away soon after arrival. Break-\nfast and an hour's (more or less) reading revive me\ntemporarily, and I generally manage to get in an\nhour or two hours in the afternoon before the utter\nweariness, brain fag and nervous fatigue, takes\npossession of me, and the previous day's ordeal is\nrepeated. The strain of this and the necessity of\nshowing a semblance of interest in the work (which,\nlately, however, I have not done to any great ex-\ntent), repeated day after day in monotonous regu-\nlarity is only part of the hell, but a part of such\n/\ndeadliness that I doubt if I am able to complete\nmy allotted time of contract, which I had made up\nmy mind to force myself to do for the sake of the\nmoney.\nThis has been another potent cause of general"}, {"page_pdf": 27, "page_imprimee": "25", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.27", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1634, "texte": "decline. Having made up my mind to return home\nto work out my future, I began to retrench more\nand more, eliminating amusement for the most\npart—almost the sole one now is moving pictures,\nwhich takes my mind away from myself for two\nor three nights a week. I enjoy them here for one\nreason, i. e., they present long pictures in a number\nof parts which present good dramas of life. These\npictures are French for the most part, and now I\nhardly understand how I ever took any interest or\nreceived pleasure from the prevailing American\npictures, as I always loved drama and continued\nstory, vaudeville never appealing to me. But for\nthis one little thing, present conditions would be\nunbearable, which is why I touch upon it at greater\nlength than the story of these days would seem to\nwarrant. One of the principal pleasures of my life\nhas been the theatre. I always had an abiding and\never-present liking for dramatic action and situa-\ntion, as well as good comedy—burlesque, vaude-\nville, moving pictures, farce, and the like, only had\na limited appeal, although I must say that \"Seven\nDays\" was a farce which I greatly enjoyed. Com-\ning to Havana I had to drop the theatre entirely,—\nnot that I was such an inveterate theatre-goer be-\nfore (owing to financial circumstances)—because of\nlack of understanding and lately lack of energy to\nexert myself to attempt to understand, my hearing\nnot being any too good at best; a greater reason\nwas the absence of good plays and the outrageous\nprices. I ignore entirely the numerous small the-\natres devoted to pandering to the lowest instincts\nof the ignorant black, mulatto and even white."}, {"page_pdf": 28, "page_imprimee": "26", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.28", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1620, "texte": "Under these circumstances I turned to the moving\npicture theatre, and by only attending when there\nis at least one longer picture which promises\ndramatic action, I managed to derive considerable\npleasure from this class of entertainment, no doubt\nto a great extent due to the fact that that was the\nonly thing which took me out of myself, so that\nI lived in the play—except my reading. These two\nhave kept me going during these months—when I\ntire of reading or by reason of a peculiar nervous-\nness do not feel like reading, if there is a good\npicture I go, otherwise I make myself read and\nam soon reconciled for the evening. Sometimes a\nwalk by the sea during the evening helps me much.\nEven with this, however, through it all lingers\nthat sense of utter weariness, almost to the point of\nexhaustion. During the day I manage to escape\nthe worst consequences by keeping my mind busy\nwhen absent from the office, and the early evening\nor night generally also is passed without too much\nworry. This leaves the periods of dull care at the\noffice, hoping and waiting for the hour of getting\naway and bedtime and later night. A proof of how\nmuch I have retrogressed physically is, that from\nOctober to December, 1908, during my first few\nmonths in New York, I was able to work from\neight in the morning until six at night, and three\nor four nights a week, with only an hour's break\nfor lunch and . . . Now, working less than seven\nhours a day, the day every week is longer, more\ntiresome. The weakening of my powers has been\ngradual and to a certain extent unnoticeable, but\nit has been steady, inexorable, and now I am face"}, {"page_pdf": 29, "page_imprimee": "27", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.29", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1599, "texte": "to face with a condition which means the end of\neverything if continued for too long. During these\nyears in my heart I have protested against it all.\nTaken away from school when I was leading the\nclass, without any great effort either, by circum-\nstances, I began a business career of hope and with\nboundless ambition and half-formed boyish ideals.\nThe fact that I left school of my own accord out-\nwardly does not detract from the fact that circum-\nstances were gradually making it more imperative\nand I only took the bull by the horns, as I have\ndone many times since. I remember with great\nvividness an incident of my early business career,\nwhen with .. . store. I used to keep a credit\nbook of returned goods, and had considerable\ndealings in this way with the girls of the vari-\nous departments. I was then rather indifferent\nto feminine charms, although awakening sexual\npassion was entering into my emotional and mental\nstates, and had been for a year or so. I was then\nfifteen or sixteen (I do not know whether this hap-\npened before or after my birthday). One of the\ngirls, a rather flippant, but as I look back, a\nshrewd observer, came to my window in the office\n(which was on a similar plan to a bank, I having\none window and the cashier another) with some-\nthing or about something returned. I scowled for\nsome reason or other, probably because I had a\npressure of work. She then made an observation,\nthe prophecy of which has been amply demon-\nstrated—\"you are a boy now, but you will never\nbe a youth,\" and something about my jumping into\nmanhood. She was only a department store girl,"}, {"page_pdf": 30, "page_imprimee": "28", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.30", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1614, "texte": "but she hit the nail on the head exactly that time,\nas subsequent events have proven. In those days,\nafter my little stories for ... I liked reading and\nprobably looked forward to college at some time in\nthe future in an indefinite way. I was very earnest\nand ambitious about my work, which continued\nmore or less until some time last year, when the\nincreasing tired feeling, nervousness, changing\nideas, ideals and different outlook combined to bring\non rapidly my present state, when I positively\nloathe my daily work. The principal reason for\nthis, no doubt, is that I have neglected exercise\nalmost entirely and now have reached the state\nwhere exhausted nature will not be denied.\nI have already at frequent intervals commented\non the disturbances which haunted my bedside, and\nto-night, or rather to-day and last night (for it is\nnow a quarter of six and the candle before me is\nrapidly losing its efficacy) is only an example of\nthe recurring frequency of my nervousness at bed-\ntime . . . off all temptation to indulge in sexual\npleasures from the first of this year, and, although\nI have not succeeded entirely up to the present,\nhaving only five days of absolute abstention from\nexcitement of any kind sexually and possibly sev-\neral months from direct intercourse, behind me,—\nstill I have radically changed from my excesses of\nthe first few months in Havana, although even these\nwere not excesses compared to the average of a\nvast number here and elsewhere.\nThis holding off naturally leaves out a vital\nsource of relief for the all-compelling necessity of\ngetting away from. myself. Sometimes, from my"}, {"page_pdf": 31, "page_imprimee": "29", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.31", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1635, "texte": "twentieth year on, when the prospect of a nervous,\nsleepless night presented itself, sexual intercourse\nbrought the much-needed relief, and sleep followed\nAnd yet, such was the strength of the conventional\natmosphere that I had been reared in and lived in,\ndespite my radical views and supposed freedom of\nmind, I thought it was somehow or other wrong\nand underhand to seek relief in this way. I cussed\nmyself for a weakling, fought, staved it off for\nweeks, and then succumbed again. It is only lately\nthat I have seen a different light on the subject.\nMy views now are that our present system of\nsexual relations is absolutely false. This conclu-\nsion is more due to my own reasoning than to any\nradical literature I have read. First, there should\nbe freedom. Any man should be allowed to have\nintercourse with a woman who was willing, as long\nas they did it for love. There should be no such\nthing as an illegitimate child. If a mother was\nnot in a position to or willing to bring up her\nchild, the State should do it. Of course, when I\nsay there should be freedom, I do not say that, if\none man was living with a woman (legally, of\ncourse, as all such relations would be legal with-\nout any question), I should be at perfect liberty\nto fool around, but if at any time their relations\nbecame such that they could not harmoniously keep\nit up any longer, divorce should be automatic.\nMarriage might be for a minimum period, and as\nmuch longer as the parties concerned cared to keep\nit up. There should be no coercion on either side.\nThe woman should have the care of her children\nif she so desired, but if unable to take care of them,"}, {"page_pdf": 32, "page_imprimee": "30", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.32", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1588, "texte": "the State should do so. Even without a socialist\nstate this could partly be put into effect.\nThe White Slave Trade should be abolished as\na trade. If a woman was herself willing to become\nthe tool of every man who came along, she could\nnot perhaps be restrained, but those who profit\nfrom it other than herself should be vigorously\nprosecuted. All diseased should be prohibited from\nsexual intercourse.\nEven under the present state of society, there\nis a solution to one problem. Many young men,\nlike myself, have strong sexual passions, but we\ndo not like to consort with those who, starting\nout with a debased idea of sexual relations, have\ndebauched it. Now we meet girls who are also\npassionate and who, were it not for the knowledge\nthat their life would be ruined, would be only too\nglad to have intercourse with us on the basis of\nmutual sexual attraction and passion. This would\nbring relief to both of us from much of the deadly\nmonotony of sordid, every-day affairs, if the girl\ncould go on just the same as the man, she being\nallowed to have a child legally, which she could\neither take care of herself or delegate to the State's\ncare. This would take care of that large body of\nmen who are not in a position to marry for various\nreasons, and that equally large body of women who\nare unable to find suitable husbands, but who feel\nthe emptiness in their lives, and those women who\nwant children and consider, or would consider if\nsociety would permit, that it is nobody's business\nwho the father is. It should be a crime to have\nintercourse when one is diseased, and the knowl-"}, {"page_pdf": 33, "page_imprimee": "31", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.33", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1496, "texte": "edge that one can with impunity have intercourse\nwith a woman for love would deter a large number\nof men from having it with those who only give\nthemselves for money and are liable to transmit\ndisease. This would then leave those men who are\nmorbidly fond of the baser forms of sexual per-\nversion to the professional prostitutes and women\n(few comparatively), who naturally are attracted\nby, or are willing to put up with, the drunkenness\nand attendant beastliness of a certain kind of man,\nwho we may hope, will be a smaller and smaller\nfactor, as radicalism grows.\nThus, now, with radical views, I am endeavor-\ning to attain my old state as before my twentieth\nyear, for a year at least, so as to work this out\nwith other problems, because in my present state\nof physical weakness I cannot afford to risk added\nweakness, and so fight this off every night, and\nhope soon my nature will have become resigned\nto this until my twenty-third birthday, when I hope\nto have a clearer plan of action.\nStarting this with a nervous sleeplessness, I end\nat 6:30 A. M., over two hours later with a clear\nhead, but, of course, the tired feeling lies there\ndormant.\nHavana, Friday, May 10, 1912. Another birth-\nday, my twenty-second, and I intend this year to\nbe the best yet. The past one has been the worst\nand the best; the worst because of my acute nerv-\nousness and self-consciousness and my foolish ac-\ntions during the early months in Havana; best be-\ncause I woke up from a lethargy and blind groping"}, {"page_pdf": 34, "page_imprimee": "32", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.34", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1564, "texte": "in the dark to a conscious effort to find myself and\nbe myself; and to this end I have dedicated my\ntwenty-second year. I do not expect to work out\nthings to a fine point during this time, but hope\nto decide on a broad, general scheme of life policy\nof procedure and philosophy; of necessity the major\npart of the details will take years to work out.\nHope and ambition, tempered by my experience,\nare dominant, and my calm periods are becoming\nof longer duration and more frequent occurrence,\nin fact, predominate to a gratifying extent lately as\ncompared with what has gone before.\nI start afresh on a year's freedom from sexual\nexcitement, or such is my plan, for not the least\nof the problems to work out is that of sex. It will\nbe hell to hold myself in check entirely in every\nrespect, but I feel I must, in order to collect my\nthoughts and feelings which were becoming rather\nconfused on this, as on other subjects, owing to my\nchangeable moods, passions and feelings.\nI have the advantage of starting out on the\nbroadest basis possible, the agnostic position as I\nunderstand it. I have not studied Spencer nor\nreduced my agnosticism to any dogmatic position\nof knowable or unknowable, but always it has been:\nI neither believe nor deny; my mind is open; I\nam willing to learn; to give all who have a serious\nmessage a hearing. True, up to the present I have\nnot given much serious study to the problem, hav-\ning read considerably more about philosophy than\nof it, but I have had that tendency, and, being\nyoung yet, it is perhaps best that I did not attempt"}, {"page_pdf": 35, "page_imprimee": "33", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.35", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1539, "texte": "to go too deeply into the problem ere this, and\neven now I shall go slow.\nThe question has unconsciously, however, nar-\nrowed itself down. I have given enough thought\nto the matter to reject the Christian theory of\nChrist being the son of God, and, leaving out most\nof the minor religions or philisophies which are\nobviously full of error (except as there may be a\ngrain of truth here and there among the chaff),\nthere is left such religions or philosophies as Theos-\nophy, Monism, Spiritualism, and those which may\nbe classed under the general head of Materialism\n(Rationalism, Free Thought, Positivism, etc., etc.),\nbut as I do not see that any have as their basis\nAbsolute Truth (that much abused word) I suspect\nI shall end where I began, as a Pragmatic Agnostic,\ndenying that we have any Absolute Truth in\nour world, whatever may be beyond which we do\nnot know. I have not read James; but will do\nso; and I think that I shall not give much atten-\ntion to spiritualism, as no satisfactory evidence\nseems to support it, and there is too much char-\nlatanism to offer a fair field for a truth-seeker.\nHavana, Wednesday, May 22, 1912, 12: 12 A. M.\nIt is no use—I have to acknowledge defeat. Born\nwith such a Jekyll-and-Hyde disposition that I\nam never normal, either so filled with ideals that\neverything good and noble seems possible, or so\nblack that I shrink from myself in horror—even\nthough it has been in thought rather than deed\nthat I have transgressed or been an idealist. It is\nnot that I have contemplated deeds of violence, but"}, {"page_pdf": 36, "page_imprimee": "34", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.36", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1583, "texte": "one thing, sex, is the cause of the perfect hell my\nlife has been. During the past year I have fool-\nishly thought I could make myself what I willed,\ncould be consistent and normal; vain hope and it\nneeded to-night to show me this. After all my\nnoble aspirations, hopes, love of literature, and the\nbeautiful things in life, I could not keep my resolve\nof my birthday. Torture is the only word for it.\nMy sexual passions, from their first awakening,\nhave given me no rest and never will. I have not\nhad at any time a girl who loved me, have never\neven kissed. With almost uncontrollable passion,\nand yet the ability to be satisfied with embrace and\ntouch rather than final consummation, yet have I\nnot had that chance with any but the lowest who\nfill me with disgust, or else attract me in a mad\npassion which for the moment is insatiable. Much\nof this is due to my wretched physical health,\nwrecked nervous force and absolute lack of any\nkind of love for so long that I am too selfish and\nself-centred ever to amount to anything. Who is\nto blame? My father dead, how can I blame him\nfor his share? My mother is the only hope left in\nthe world. Without her, suicide would seem to\nbe the only alternative, and I have . . . what is\nthis after all but the imagined courage of a weak-\nling, my egoism the conceit of a degenerate? A\nmonth ago I would not have dared to write this,\nbut unless this summer serves to recuperate me,\nI must go down rapidly. Having started sinking\nall round, I dare not go in for anything without a\nsleepless night.\nI only write this record now for what use it"}, {"page_pdf": 37, "page_imprimee": "35", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.37", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1532, "texte": "may be as a human document. It may serve as\na warning to those who ignorantly bring children\ninto the world to suffer. I shall be repaid. In\ncase I collapse suddenly it is my express wish that\nsuch of my letters, papers, including this and my\nother diary, as may bear on my struggles against\nan inevitable fate, may be sent to ... so that,\nwithout using my name in such away that the\nfamily may be involved, he may use such parts of\nthis record and the papers as may help to show the\nlife-story of a youth who was prematurely tired, if\nI do not succeed in writing this in fiction form or\notherwise myself before the end. Slowly but surely\nI am coming to the point where nothing matters.\nSomething always pulls me back before I go too\nfar, but will it always? Once let me go beyond a\ncertain point in my dark moods and shame will keep\nme from attempting to get up again. Deep down\nin my heart, however, I have had and still do have\nin my most despairing moment the conviction that\nI have in me the ability to do great things, my\nlove of the finer things, keen appreciation of char-\nacter so that I see right through many people I\nmeet, wherefore much of my continued unpopularity,\ngreat care in small details, love of neatness, order,\nstrong passions, enthusiasm, many other things in\nmy good moods which I cannot quite grasp, but\nmy physical weakness annuls everything and leaves\nme a hopeless weakling, vacillating and desperately\nunhappy.\nHavana, Wednesday, June 5, 1912. Feeling\nvery much chastened, following the deepest disgust"}, {"page_pdf": 38, "page_imprimee": "36", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.38", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1451, "texte": "with myself and everyone, and everything else for\nthat matter. I must state most emphatically that\nfor the most part all that has gone before (during\nthe past six months at least) is due to disease; not\nspecific, but generally run-down, nervous, over-\ntired condition of body and mind. Therefore, al-\nthough to-day again I start with hope to fight on,\nI do so with less wild enthusiasm, less tenseness.\nAfter all, the world does not revolve around me. I\nhave sometimes thought it did, or at least acted\nas if I thought so.\nBeing calmer on my determination, the reactions\nI trust will be less violent. I have the feeling that\nI only have to get over this tired, nervous condi-\ntion to be once and for all on the road to victory\nover myself.\nOne thing I will do—throw overboard as it were\nmy preconceived half-formed ideas and start as a\nchild. Too much have I stuck to convention and\nprejudice while congratulating myself on my radi-\ncalism.\nOf course, everything is dependent on my re-\ncovery of health. Without this, life will indeed be\nnot worth living, because the very things my heart\nand mind are set on accomplishing will be impos-\nsible, and a conventional, plodding life devoted to\nthe accumulation of money is impossible for me.\nDeath is much preferable. Art, philosophy, love of\nlife in its nakedness, without false convention, must\nbe my keyword, not for happiness, for that were\nimpossible, but for sufficient interest to carry me\nthrough."}, {"page_pdf": 39, "page_imprimee": "37", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.39", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1496, "texte": "Havana, Saturday, June 8, 1912. lam gradually\nbut inevitably coming to the conclusion that the\nonly way to get along is to throwr over all that\nI do believe in and pay the price. If I had done\nthis before I might have been saved much of this\npetty personal struggle and put my divine energy\ninto bigger things. I have let false conventions\nbattle with the natural love of freedom and radical-\nism of an artistic nature, frittered away life forces\nin unholy passions where I might have put it into\nthe big struggle. Now I will conquer or die, vic-\ntory or death. Death even by my own hand is\npreferable to frittering the tremendous passion and\nnervous and mental energy I have away in a life\nof conventional ease, despising myself and hating\nothers, and being hated. Oh! if I had only con-\nserved instead of wasted, but even now at the\neleventh hour it is not too late. Now, to-day, I will\ngo forward to my fate.\nHavana, Wednesday, June 12, 1912. In further\nthought over my decision of last Saturday, or rather\nthat which has been growing on me for a long time,\nI must add that, as I am not any too sure as to\nwhat I don't believe in, time must be a large fac-\ntor in the matter.\nThen again, due to that tired feeling and nerv-\nousness, I have during the past six months put too\nmuch emphasis on the dark side.\nI have never for more than the briefest space\nof time contemplated self-destruction as I have\nhinted at several times. The thought has crossed\nmy mind in my darkest moods, but I am not a"}, {"page_pdf": 40, "page_imprimee": "38", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.40", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1485, "texte": "coward and to-day must go a step further and say\nthat I'll fight to the finish against all outside diffi-\nculties, as well as ill health and natural defects of\ntemperament and heredity. From now on any de-\npartures from a certain standard until I have\nchanged that standard by thought and experience,\nI will consider in their proper light of weaknesses\nto be overcome.\nAll of which may be what I have been reiterat-\ning over and over again, but my awakening of to-\nday is a little broader. I leave the standard fairly\nflexible, but strong enough to be a rock in a stormy\nsea until the waters are calmer, and then my mind\nshould be clearer so that I can readjust the various\nuncertainties to a certain point at least.\nLife and a full life rather than mere reason I\nthink will be the outcome, but reason and philoso-\nphy presiding over all as a benignant judge I trust.\nWho knows?\nHavana, Saturday, June 15, 1912. My contract\nis up to-day, and for several days earlier in the\nweek I thought of leaving suddenly and getting\naway from it all for a rest despite any notice to\ntake effect on the 29th. I thought it over, however,\nand from standpoint of unpreparedness, doubt and\nhonor perhaps—did not—or rather will not—as boat\nleaves to-morrow.\nIn thinking over problem of society it has oc-\ncurred to me, or the thought has come to my mind\nof what little use the benefactions of rich men are\nto really help anyone in need in a personal way. I\nremember how I used to have such a passion for"}, {"page_pdf": 41, "page_imprimee": "39", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.41", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1599, "texte": "education—I did so want to know. I wrote Car-\nnegie, Patten, Pearsons and E. H. R. Green, not\nbegging for money, but telling of my great desire\nfor an education and putting it in such away that\nI asked the secretary to refer me to any board\nwhich they might have had for helping those de-\nsirous of obtaining an education. My physical\nweakness precluded the idea of working my way\nand studying at the same time. Of course, I re-\nceived no replies, and I then realized that the most\nambitious or deserving might be on their last legs\nand all this charity would count for naught.\nThe personal aspect of the question has long\nbeen forgotten; my ideas as to the value of a col-\nlege education in its relation to the larger educa-\ntion of life have changed; whatever rancor I may\nhave had against these men has gone; my outlook\non life is different; the things that count now are\nfew, are far between.\nIf my health permits, the necessity of making a\nliving will cause me to write for money to a cer-\ntain extent, but with a bare living income I think\nI should write from my heart, because of the great\ndesire, because I look on it as an art, not a busi-\nness. However, if my health continues as it is or\ngets worse, I will not sacrifice what little life I\nhave left on the altar of the modern god—money.\nI shall write in blood the agony that has been eat-\ning into my heart and brain and give it to the\nworld if it will take it for what it is worth. For\nmyself I expect little, but it may help towards a\nbetter understanding of natures like mine, and in\nthe future may help towards a little more forbear-"}, {"page_pdf": 42, "page_imprimee": "40", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.42", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1508, "texte": "ance, attempt to understand on the part of good\npeople. But whether or not I will write it.\nBefore doing so, however, I intend to see that\nI do not, out of self-pity, fall into the error out-\nlined in the December, 1911 issue of The Interna-\ntional \"Upton Sinclair's Delusion.\"\nHavana, Tuesday, June 25, 1912, 7:10 P. M.\nIt is getting tiresome, these moral reformations\nand back-slidings. But even now I can lay down\na preliminary philosophy which I must subscribe to\nwhether I will or not .... gives a general line\nof conduct which leads to progress in a wide sense\nand taking account of human nature, its strength\nand weakness.\nLife, of course, comes first. Unless a man is\ngoing to deliberately plan suicide he must live. All\naccount of death from outside sources must be left\nout of account because they are outside of his\nsphere to influence. By living I mean to touch the\ndepths and the heights, each one according to the\nstrength of his passions, his temperament. He\nshould not be an ascetic except under certain con-\nditions, and asceticism as a deliberate plan of life\nis absolutely wrong for a young man—whether for\none who is older time will tell.\nFor instance, if a man is of a strongly passionate\nsex nature he should gratify it sufficiently to save\nhim from tremendous nervous disturbances due to\nholding himself back. All conventional morality\nor standards to the contrary, gratification is not\nonly justifiable, but not to gratify is a crime\nagainst human nature. If a man be of a cool phleg-"}, {"page_pdf": 43, "page_imprimee": "41", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.43", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1529, "texte": "matic disposition, a limited asceticism in this as well\nas other things may be good rather than otherwise.\nThe above is limited by conditions and circum-\nstances. Disease, of course, should be rigidly\nguarded against. This is a matter that calls for\naction by the combined societies of the world.\nAssuming that the man of artistic temperament\ntakes these precautions and gratifies his passions,\nhe must restrain himself as soon as his gratification\nbecomes a source of weakness rather than of\nstrength.\nIn other words, as long as gratification of the\nsenses does not weaken one appreciably that grati-\nfication is good and moral and conduces to life,\nbut when it becomes a weakness and threatens the\nphysical and mental strength of a man he must\nrestrain himself. Life comes first, but by life I\nmean life with Power. Thus anything that makes\nfor power and for a full life and healthy gratifica-\ntion of the senses is good.\nThis is my first definite outlining of the philoso-\nphy I have been endeavoring to attain. I have\ncome thus far without reading any philosophy ex-\ncept bare outlines and reviews. Now I shall read\nand study life and build from these grounds. My\nphilosophy is rather more individualistic than so-\ncialistic, but, of course, it is open to a reconcilia-\ntion between Socialism and Anarchism. Conven-\ntional views are left entirely out of consideration.\nIt rests with the individual how far he will be\nguided by precedent and prevailing opinion in a\ngiven situation.\nAs far as I am personally concerned, I have"}, {"page_pdf": 44, "page_imprimee": "42", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.44", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1587, "texte": "reached a state where any sexual gratification is a\nweakness and a strict asceticism for a time is a\nmatter of self-preservation. Anything else is a de-\nliberate throwing down of my philosophy and is a\nweakness of the worst type, and I write this after\nhaving constantly violated my decision to hold off,\nmade on my birthday and even before then, and\nwhich has just culminated in this outlining of a\ngeneral course to follow, holding in view the two\n#\nobjects, a full life and a healthy one, power and\nlife. Without power life is death. With means of\ngratification lacking, one must hold off from baser\nforms at least until absolutely necessary, and then\nonly on the most infrequent occasions.\nKeeping these in view, life and power, I have\nsomething to anchor to while I am struggling to-\nwards the light, and I submit this in all seriousness\nas a good workable philosophy for a man who has\nnot found himself and has hitherto been groping\naround blindly in the dark with very little prospect\nof light. Starting with this the years must bring\nmore light, and the conservation of a love of life\nand at the same time of power will keep one in a\nstate to take advantage of any new light on this\nterrible problem of existence, of how to get\nthrough life in the best way, for in the final analy-\nsis that is what all philosophy teaches.\nThus, in the future, gratification may be quite\nconsistent with my philosophy; in my present weak-\nened state I must hold off if lam to survive. Other-\nwise it is a case of deliberate suicide, and the only\nthing to do would be to go ahead and gratify until"}, {"page_pdf": 45, "page_imprimee": "43", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.45", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1135, "texte": "disease and weakness made it evident that death\nwould be the only relief. Thus I go ahead for the\npresent.\nmy manifest destiny, that of doing something worth\nwhile in the world, so that the world will be better\nfor my having lived in it.\nSince May 10th, my own birthday, although on\nseveral occasions down to the depths, I have\nstrengthened my purpose and the lapses are becom-\ning less and less, and the increasing disgust after\neach is cementing my determination. One only\nhas occurred since Tuesday last, when I outlined\nmy philosophy, and I\n. . . . Thus, the fight has resolved itself into this,—\nif I can control myself when tired, nervous and de-\npressed, the victory is won. On all other occasions\nI have myself pretty well in hand, and in normal\nmoods, with good health, the outcome seldom seems\ndoubtful, but I must watch the abnormal moods.\nHavana, Tuesday, July 2, 1912, 12:45 A. M.\nI don't know whether it was a premonition which\ncaused me to put morning at the head of my pre-\nvious entry, because now, the same night, or the\nnext morning very early I am obliged to repudiate\nit all. It is no use—my philosophy as outlined"}, {"page_pdf": 46, "page_imprimee": "44", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.46", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1634, "texte": "last week would be all right, but for two things, i. e.,\nmy absolute lack of opportunity of touching life,\nand my absolute lack of strength, physical, mental,\nor moral to cultivate power. Determinism is forced\non me against my will. As far as possible in my\ngood moods I suppose I shall follow my first phil-\nosophy of Tuesday, June 25, but, nevertheless, I\nam fast being forced to a thorough determinism\nbecause I simply cannot control myself. What I\nmight have done had I not been forced to become\na victim of our commercial system (so that at\ntwenty-two I am exhausted, my enthusiasm and\nhope almost killed by deadly routine and no pros-\npect of relief), I do not know, but I think I would\nhave accomplished much under careful training or\neven a fair opportunity to express my individuality.\nTo-night everything seems hopeless—whether in-\nsanity is creeping on me Ido not know. I simply\nmust have sexual intercourse to relieve the strain,\nand it is the lack of it which brings on these moods..\nIf for nothing else woman is a necessity for me to\nrelieve the great strain when routine becomes so\ndeadly as to tempt me to throw everything to the\nwinds. If I could come home and have a woman,\nI am sure that I could be saved much if not all this\n—the worst of it at least, but our damnable con-\nventions keep me from them and keep them from\nme even though many women are enduring tortures\nof unrelieved emotion for lack of what I could give\nthem. Oh! life is indeed hell—why, or wherefore,\nI don't know, and I am fast reaching the point\nwhere I care less. In an evil moment I consented\nto stay on here for a few weeks longer for a con-"}, {"page_pdf": 47, "page_imprimee": "45", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.47", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1531, "texte": "sideration of my return fare to New York. This\nmeans three more weeks before I can get away from\nthis damnable place which has been getting on my\nnerves more and more so that I never hated any-\nthing as I hate this island and everything and every-\none on it.\nHavana, July 3, 1912. Well, despite my little\noutburst of early yesterday morning, I am still in\nthe fight. After every defeat I arise, chastened, per-\nhaps, but with a growing feeling that I will win.\nI must confirm and add to my philosophy as\noutlined on June 25th. As I wrote yesterday, De-\nterminism seems to be true as things are at present,\nbut even accepting this does not make me any the\nless a fighter, for it is quite consistent with that\nphilosophy that my determinism is to be something,\nand the weak periods are only to strengthen me.\nAs to the Life part of it, that is still a little\ndoubtful. I have not touched it enough, my experi-\nences have not been broad enough with the other\nsex for me to throw over all conventions, for I know\nfrom experience and the experiences of others, that\nwhen a woman plays fast and loose she loses so\nmuch that even conventionalism sometimes seems\npreferable to a loosening of the bonds. My idea\nwas to idealize the relations, have all children legiti-\nmate. While I think my part would be done all\nright, I doubt other men and women. Besides, I\nhave always had an unconscious and sometimes con-\nscious feeling of superiority to women—this has\nbeen so indefinite, however, that I do not lay too\nmuch stress on it at present."}, {"page_pdf": 48, "page_imprimee": "46", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.48", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1443, "texte": "I must reiterate Power as the keynote. Every\nweak yielding .... impossibility to me at least of\nwhat I will call \"The Impulsive Philosophy,\" i.\nphilosophy of being guided by emotion and senti-\nment, to the exclusion of reason. Reason must co-\nordinate, if not dominate, and at least impulse must\nnot dominate. This is my second outline, but lam\ngoing to disregard the foolish system of dates,—\ntime is to attain anything. I realize the folly of\nsaying at a certain date I will stop this or that I\nwill reform in this or that. All I can do is to at-\ntempt to live up to a certain standard as fast as\nI have decided it to be best and to endeavor to\ndrop off everything that pulls me down as soon as\npossible.\nHavana, July 20, 1912. Last day in Havana.\nAt last my counting of each day as bringing nearer\nto my goal is about to end. Whether my return\n. ... is productive of results commensurate with\nmy expectations or not, my relief at the suspension\nof the agony of the struggle down here is so deep\nand heartfelt that I could shout for joy.\nI at least have several good weeks behind me,\nand every day in which I make the slightest prog-\nress in any direction whatever is bound to react\nfavorably.\nFor the present I reiterate my outline of philos-\nophy of June 25th and July 3d. I intend to ... .\ncontrol pending a readjustment. At any rate for a\nyear intend to have nothing to do with fast women\n—I do not say anything about intercourse without"}, {"page_pdf": 49, "page_imprimee": "47", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.49", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1378, "texte": "monetary consideration, but am unlikely to have\nmuch chance as I will not be looking for it.\nUntil I am settled in relaxation will be the\nrule. With the least worry and the line of least\nresistence for a month or so I should be in a much\nbetter frame of mind to accomplish anything than\nby keeping up this constant nervous strain. Hope\nand confidence mark the last dav, and I count the\nyear as a leaf in my book of experience and look-\ning back, do not regret my year in the tropics.\n—, August 1, 1912.\nhas a cottage for the summer.\nThe month of July was the best one for some-\ntime. I have at last realized the futility of expect-\ning to make great changes in my habits of life in\na day and, therefore, attach less importance to a\ncertain date for this or that as I have done previ-\nously. Suffice [it that] after a month I can look\nback and notice a slight improvement, more self-\ncontrol and a stronger determination. This I find\nis the case now and with the prospect of a month\nof healthy activity and absence of nervous and\nmorbid thoughts the present month should be one\nof the best of the year, and if a quiet determina-\ntion without the passion of heretofore will help me,\nthis seems assured. System will be the keynote\nas far as it does not interfere with the rights of\nothers, for here I cannot be too selfish in my at-\ntempt to reach a certain standard, and besides I"}, {"page_pdf": 50, "page_imprimee": "48", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.50", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1465, "texte": "have no intention of becoming a slave to system, as\nI heartily dislike red tape. But I can start prepar-\ning myself for the big fight when I return home next\nmonth by making each day count.\n—, August 12, 1912. Since the first I have been\nthrough an [intense] struggle, the worst yet. Be-\ning greatly disappointed at the unfriendly attitude\nof the family to my ideas, disgusted and tired, day\nby day I became more worried. Heated argument\nresulted in open charges of immorality on their\npart, that is, they considered my views immoral.\nLast night was the culmination of all this—for the\nfirst time I actually threw over all my plans and\nambition and contemplated suicide. Many times\nthe thought had crossed my mind before, but it was\nalways as a possibility in the dim future, but yes-\nterday the thought materialized.\nI carried on a terrific mental struggle in bed and\nthe will to live triumphed. I will fight on, but I\nwill be more and more egotistical. I realize the\nvast gulf between me and the rest of my family.\nIt is insurmountable, and my last hope now centers\non my return to ... . My mother is pliable and I\nmay be able to sufficiently dominate my brother\nand my sister to fight it out there without too\nmuch interruption, which is the bone of my present\nsituation.\n—, Friday, August 23, 1912. Gradually throw-\ning off that almost inborn habit we have of acting\nas a pose for others, I must sometimes act in a\nway which must appear immoral when such is far"}, {"page_pdf": 51, "page_imprimee": "49", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.51", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1606, "texte": "from the actual truth. In the endeavor, weak it is\ntrue as yet, to rise above good and evil, the only\ncriterion is sometimes whether such and such an\nact makes for weakness. If it does it transgresses\nagainst nature, and I make the definition that any-\nthing which does not go against nature is neither\ngood nor evil. From this point of view, moral\nissues do not enter into the question to the same\nextent. I am going to put into writing the dis-\ntinction I make between conceit and egoism. Con-\nceit is exemplified by the young man who, shallow\nof heart and brain, dresses in fancy clothes and\nparades around so that the girls can admire him.\nThis is one instance I take to contrast it with. . . .\nWith the desire to express myself, to be an artist,\nto live the fullest life possible, or whatever my pre-\ncise object may be, it is absolutely necessary to be\ndamn independent.\nI have found the family very impatient, and out\nof accord with my views and rejecting their ideals\nof a man—very conventional—I must of necessity\nmake a break, because the petty bickering engend-\nered is bound to dissipate my energy without any-\nthing being accomplished. Having attained more\npositive views later, I may see fit to resume the\nold status, being safeguarded by grim determination\nand absolute sincerity as far as possible, believing\nas I do, that truth is only relative.\nThe conflict is not only between reason and\npassion, but also between naturalism, and if I may\nput it, unnaturalism. That is, I want to act natural\naccording to my nature rather than to set up an\nideal opposed to my nature and endeavor to live"}, {"page_pdf": 52, "page_imprimee": "50", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.52", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1534, "texte": "up to it. The only trouble is that I have various\nmoods, and at the time I really believe that each\none is the right one. However, by gradually drop-\nping unnatural habits caused by trying to conform,\nI hope to reach an impregnable position insofar that\nI am willing to lose everything for freedom to\nlive my own life, believing that this seeming self-\nishness makes for the best for myself, family and\nall others, because even though wrong in many\nthings, if my nature is wrong, it is better to be\nwrong and be myself than to be what I honestly\nbelieve to be wrong and please others.\n—, Sunday, September 1, 1912. Beginning a\nnew month, although full of hope as usual at the\nbeginning of anything, I also feel rather humble\nafter my previous egoism. Thus I go from mood\nto mood, but the turning point is at hand. I can-\nnot be tossed around like a bark without rudder\nor sail much longer and with my tendency to ex-\ntremes, feeling that I have much power for good\nor evil in this world, one course I must enter on\nwith the greatest determination.\nHaving willed to live at the moment of despair,\nI must needs live with sincerity and without con-\nforming; a little more forbearance will do me good,\nand certainly the events of the past few weeks have\nbeen a sore trial. I have undoubtedly made a fool\nof myself, but still acknowledging my ideal, feel\ndetermined as ever, if chastened.\nI candidly must say or write that .... ques-\ntions are still open, but I intend to get right down\nto action towards a literary career, meanwhile grad-"}, {"page_pdf": 53, "page_imprimee": "51", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.53", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1511, "texte": "ually attaining the thing which I have been strug-\ngling for—not peace of mind exactly, but the feel-\ning that I am doing my best in a sincere manner\nunder the circumstances, namely, that I must go\nthrough life with health impaired to a greater or\nless extent; that I am inclined to extremes, pessi-\nmistic or very cheerful, even childish, by turns;\nthat life appeals to me when I think as terribly in-\nevitable that I have a tendency to degeneracy at\ntimes (which I feel I can overcome to a certain\nextent by heroic measures) ; that the happiness of\na home and children of my own may be denied\nme. With these prospects before me, my fighting\nblood is up and I simply have got to go on and\nup or disintegrate altogether—there is no halfway\nmeasure for me, and I would have it so. I write\nwith absolute sincerity now.\n—, October 2, 1912. Another month rolls on,—\ndespite my having writen that I do not count by\ndates now, I find it convenient to note whether\nor not I have made any progress in this way.\nI have. The same old struggle between passion\nand intellect was continued, at one time intellectual\nand philosophical calmness animating me and then\nlow passion, but the net is surely but slowly (faster\nnow) closing.\nI came home, loafed around the house, read,\ndreamed, did nothing. Then in a burst of energy\npurchased a typewriter, an unabridged dictionary,\nsupplies, taking some S7O from my scanty savings.\nLater I repented of this, why all this preliminary\nto a conventional, routine existence? Why not go"}, {"page_pdf": 54, "page_imprimee": "52", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.54", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1598, "texte": "away, gamble, attempt to gain all by a single\nthrow? Why struggle to no end? But deep down\nsomething always says, \"Go on, you have it in you.\"\nWell, I recovered myself again, calling on Nietz-\nsche as my guide, not that I had read his works,\nbut I had read about him and his philosophy of the\nSuperman—will to live because it is painful, and I\nwill take a fierce joy in life. It is hard to drop\nthose passionate dreams born of romance, but I\nknow that happiness is not for me, not the happi-\nness of convention or even sex unconventionallv,\n* '\nbut perhaps a certain amount of intellectual satis-\nfaction and the thrill that comes from reading the\nmaster minds which respond in me, the thrill as I\nfeel willing to make any sacrifice for my ideals,\nreaffirmed by a perusal of several of Ibsen's plays\nwithin the last few days, Schopenhauer's \"Studies\nin Pessimism,\" and a part re-perusal of Haldane\nMacfall's book about Ibsen.\nAs I read Schopenhauer to-day I realized sud-\ndenly that there are more than one variety of Dolls'\nHouses, and it is indeed one that those who go on\nliving in their dreams away from life live in, hoping\nsome day to have happiness or pleasure from the\nrealization of their dreams.\nNo, too long have I postponed facing the situa-\ntion. No longer must I dream. I must act. I\ncannot fail; worldly honor is not success. If I be\ntrue to myself I succeed, the world notwithstanding.\nI have a few more studies to make,—rather I\nmean I am just beginning—before I have a definite\nphilosophy, subject, of course, always to change as\nnew experience or observation serves to confirm or"}, {"page_pdf": 55, "page_imprimee": "53", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.55", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1488, "texte": "reject. Schopenhauer, Ibsen, Tolstoy, Nietzsche\nand others must still give me their message in full\nbefore I can glean from them sufficient to test my\nown observations, but in the final analysis my own\nindividuality, by own judgment must be supreme,\nI yield to none. Schopenhauer is right when he\nsays we should not fill up on other men's learning\nbefore we have experience ourselves .... has been\none of my great mistakes and the resulting con-\nfusion has paralyzed me, but now I read but to\nlearn, not to adopt without searching criticism, and\nmeanwhile I may begin working.\nSo long as I keep unsullied by any more very\nbad outbursts, forward I must go and if I am car-\nried off at any time I have not failed, the ideal still\nbeing nursed with that tender passionate regret\nthat Emerson speaks of. A new era is dawning\nfor me. In spite of misunderstanding, seeming self-\nishness on my part, sacrifice of my best nature,\nthe spark still lives. A few more months of renun-\nciation and I have myself in hand and then, what-\never the difficulties, ever onward and upward.\n—, December 30, 1912, 6:30 P. M. A hurried\nwriting previous to departure for Chicago. The\npast three months, ones of disillusionment and\nblasted hopes. Future uncertain, but atmosphere\ncleared for anything that turns up.\nSuddenly deciding last night, Sunday, to leave\nfor Chicago—slept on more or less irregularly, and\nhad trunk packed early this morning (previously\nready for quick departure), tickets, etc., by noon—"}, {"page_pdf": 56, "page_imprimee": "54", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.56", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1411, "texte": "theatre this afternoon, and everything nearly ready\nnow.\nTurning point insofar as leaving future to chance\ninstead of carefully planned out course .... for\nmy temperament to settle down to any such dull\nroutine as seems necessary to get on as others have.\nBesides, I have lost a certain grip I had before the\nearly part of this year brought on acute nervous-\nness, and it needs quick action to put me into\ntouch with life. Slow and sure is not my forte,\nbut fast and intermittent, and I have to face it\nwhether I will or not.\nChicago, January 29, 1913. If I wrote that the\npast month was the worst I had ever experienced,\nI would probably repeat myself, as I have had\nsome very bad and frequent worsts, during the\npast year and a half, but nevertheless I never hope\nto feel so utterly despairing this side of eternity.\nI arrived in Chicago on December 31, an hour\nbefore the new year. I was met by my uncle and\nproceeded to his house with him. He is a vege-\ntarian, a raw food one, an ardent and unmerciful\npropagandist; his wife a chronic invalid, cold and\nlifeless.\nThere was really no room for me, and I slept\nin an unheated room, where they kept fruit and\nvegetables. It was cold, too cold to dress in with-\nout great discomfort, but uncle said the air was\ngood for me, and the fruit had to be taken care of\nanyway.\nNow I am generally open to reason and per-\nsuasion, even if I do act on my own impulses and"}, {"page_pdf": 57, "page_imprimee": "55", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.57", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1511, "texte": "ideas eventually. But I will not be forced. I have\nfled from one refuge to another in the hope of being\nfree, of being able to be myself, and uncle's in-\nsistence on my not doing this and that, resulted in\nargument, but no open break.\nThe result was that everything seemed to fall\nfrom under my feet, and on January 10th, I made\nup my mind to commit suicide on my twenty-third\nbirthday, May 10th, next.\nOf course, this was not the result entirely, or\neven principally, of my trouble with uncle. That\nwas only important insofar as it added the last\nstraw to my .... misunderstood and, if not per-\nsecuted, at least worried beyond endurance, by my\nrelatives.\nMy reasons, in a few words, for deciding on\nsuicide were:\n(1) Disillusionment. What had sustained me\nthrough the mental and nervous shocks, sleepless\nnights, ecstasies, and despair of the years, since my\nsixteenth (although it began before that) was the\nthought, which I dare not acknowledge to myself,\nmuch less express to others, that I was, if not a\ngenius, at least a talented man, with the ability to\ndo big things. Sometimes business success ap-\npealed to me; at other times, science or philosophy\n—mental and intellectual pre-eminence; then artis-\ntic effort, vaguely the idea of being an author,\ndramatist or literary and social reform leader.\nUp to the day I left Cuba, despite reactions and\npitiful weakness, I kept my faith in myself, in my\nmission. Reading Ibsen only served to confirm it.\nIn .... I still had it. I lost it in .... to a great"}, {"page_pdf": 58, "page_imprimee": "56", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.58", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1481, "texte": "extent. After I had purchased a typewriter and\nsat down to work, my courage failed; I could do\nnothing.\nReading Bernard Shaw showed me that much\nthat I had thought to be artistic temperament,\nideals, sentiment, was plain romantic illusion, and\nI did not feel that I was called upon then to sac-\nrifice myself for humanity, without the esthetic\npleasure my illusions had given me. Before this I\nhad unwittingly cloaked my own desires and pas-\nsions under the guise of doing something worth\nwhile, of uplifting and what not.\nCuriously enough, all my ambition, ideas, etc.,\nreturned on further reading of Shaw in Chicago,\nafter I had started going on the assumption of\nsuicide on May 10th. I took them back, with the\nidea that now I was through with romantic illusion\nand prepared to face reality.\nBefore recurring to this, I shall go on to the\nother suicide reasons.\n(2) The continual moving about trying to find a\nresting place, and consequent disgust and quarrels\nwith relatives, and the feeling that I was indeed\nalone and without a home.\nLeaving Cuba in hope I left , swearing they\nwould never hear from me again. I left with\nvery much the same idea, but before leaving, wrote\na very short letter to Nellie, informing her that I\nhad nothing against her and thought as much of\nher as ever. Uncle was the last straw, although\nI could not have the least doubt of his sincere de-\nsire to benefit me, and when I realized this I tried\nto take advantage of his advice and follow it to a"}, {"page_pdf": 59, "page_imprimee": "57", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.59", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1560, "texte": "great extent, but his wife chilled me, and she really\ndidn't want me, Of course, she wasn't well, and\nuncle told me that but for that he would have had\nme stay with them, and take a good room in which\nthey had a roomer. Aunt had advised against my\ncoming—she did not want to be bothered.\nHowever, all this only added to my feeling of\nloneliness, of homelessness, and I took a small room,\nafter sundry hints from my aunt.\n(3) Related to the above, was the deeper feel-\ning that I had not place in the world. Forced to\nwork myself into a nervous wreck, when I wanted\nto shine in intellect; laughed at by my acquaint-\nances, for I had no friends, because of my theories,\nimpracticality, temperament; inability to get on\nwith people socially, due to a peculiar inherent shy-\nness, not lost by contact with people in business,\nwhere I had a reputation even for nerve or perhaps\nsometimes impertinence, although I meant no harm.\nI was rather sharp in repartee, and suppose I\nshowed a feeling of superiority, whereas said ac-\nquaintances, openly at least, made me feel inferior,\nunsocial, a crank—always in the wrong. What\nwas the use, I said time and again, of my bril-\nliance, of my love of study, of esthetics, of my care-\nful life, if it was turned on me and made into a\nfault, a crime.\n(4) Fearful of gradual approach of insanity,\nbrought on by above causes, and degenerate stock\non my father's side. I have no proof of this, ex-\ncept fact that my father was small, nervous, and\nvacillating, and I am sure it is only my mother's\nblood that has saved me thus far."}, {"page_pdf": 60, "page_imprimee": "58", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.60", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1385, "texte": "(5) The thought that my ideas, etc., instead of\nbeing due to higher qualities, due to this degenerate\ntendency or strain, in short, that I was a degenerate\nweakling, doomed to drift on until insanity or\ndeath ended it all.\nThe above caused my resolution to commit sui-\ncide, taken on January 10th. My hand is tired now,\nbut I have much to write of subsequent days.\nI leave to-morrow morning for San Francisco,\nand shall fill in details to date either on train or\nthere.\nDenver, Colo., February 2, 1913. To continue\nwhere I left off, the sixth reason, the last but not\nthe least, to use a hackneyed term, is:\n(6) Sex. I have previously gone into this at\nsome length, so little remains to be written. To use\na medical term, I presume my affliction may be\ncalled erotomania.\nMy passion, ungratified, except with mercenary\nwomen, has been a terrible thing. If I could have\nhad a little satisfaction, even without actual inter-\ncourse, in my youth, as other fellows have, I might\nhave been spared the suffering, mental and phys-\nical, caused by my random attempts to feed my\ninsatiable hunger.\nNot having anything pleasant to look back upon\nin an emotional way, has probably contributed\nmore than any one thing, to my despair of the\nfuture.\nWhen in desperation, just after my twentieth\nbirthday, I first had intercourse with a prostitute, I\nmade little distinction between moral and immoral"}, {"page_pdf": 61, "page_imprimee": "59", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.61", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1446, "texte": "women, that is, some women I felt naturally at-\ntracted to; others repulsed me, and this attraction,\nphysical or mental, I was generally unable to\nfollow up more in practically every case.\nWith one or two exceptions, every prostitute I\nhad intercourse with was a source of bitter disap-\npointment, and constant recriminations by my bit-\nter outraged nature. I worried and worried over\nthese downfalls, as I invariably considered them\nafter.\nThe one or two exceptions, however, left me\nwith no feelings of disgust or disappointment. I\nenjoyed them thoroughly. They were with women\nwho had a strong attraction to me, and I would\nnot have changed them for many a virtuous woman,\nexcept for the experience of being the first.\nAltogether, I have not had intercourse with\nmore than twenty women, and most of them, of\nthe shortest, being generally driven by strong pas-\nsion without a worthy object.\nMany a time have I cursed myself, however,\nfor ever beginning. At about the same time as my\nfirst fall, I first touched liquor.\nI often feel that if I had been told by my\nparents, I might not have taken the first downward\nstep and waited until I could give my emotion a\nhealthy outlet on honorable terms.\nAs it is, I have lost something which is the\ncause of my condition of despair, and it will take\na long, slow process of upbuilding to give me back\nmy enthusiasm and grip on life, but events of to-\nday and yesterday give me hope and encourage-\nment."}, {"page_pdf": 62, "page_imprimee": "60", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.62", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1533, "texte": "Denver, Colo., February 5, 1913. To go back\nto my story, after deciding on January 10th to\ncommit suicide on May 10th, my troubles became\nworse instead of better. The will to live rebelled\nagainst this decision, and I endeavored to drown\nthe still small voice, and succeeded in doing so, only\nto have it come up again.\nOnly one reaction in Chicago, however, amounted\nto anything. In my usual impulsive, emotional\nmanner, after reading Shaw's \"Quintessence of\nIbsenism,\" my old feelings about art and literature\nreturned with force augmented by the depth of the\npreceding condition of pessimism and hopelessness.\nFor a week I felt like a genius, went about full of\nesthetic feelings, courage. I exercised twice a day,\nthus conquering an habitual physical laziness,\nwalked with a springy step, inhaling the cold air\nenthusiastically. In short, it was the same old\nstory.\nI fed my esthetic feelings at the art gallery,\nlibrary, and theatre. I attended several perform-\nances at the Fine Arts Theatre of the Irish Play-\ners, and enjoyed their simple, honest humor.\nBy Friday it began to peter out. Depression,\nunaccountable as usual, began to come over me.\nI shook it off, but it could not be gainsaid, and on\nSaturday night, January 25th, I attended a per-\nformance of Strindberg's \"Creditors\" and \"The\nStronger\" at the Chicago Little Theatre, with ill-\nsuppressed feelings of impending disaster, which,\nhowever, I realized, as of old, were temporary and\nunfounded, perhaps, but nevertheless enough to\ngive me hours of hell, hell, hell."}, {"page_pdf": 63, "page_imprimee": "61", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.63", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1507, "texte": "The circumstance agreed with my mood, and in\naway awakened my ambition to have my own\nwork performed and read, but the realization after\nof the work, utter lack of appreciation of such work\nof genius by the general English and American\nreading public, and moreover, the ever present dis-\nlike and fear of going back to office work and\nworking on from year to year to no purpose, until\ninsanity or death ended it all,—brought on all past\nforebodings, and I went down to the closed district,\nfound a woman, more, two, and disgusted myself\nwith life to the limit; went home and cursed, raved,\nand what not, until exhaustion brought on fitful,\nwild slumber, and I awoke with a headache, weak,\nrepentant, defiant, and I know not what.\nI might right here give the immediate supple-\nmentary cause of my suicide decision, over and\nabove those enumerated.\nAs long as I was at work I still had hope. In\nHavana I was weaker, felt more poisoned physically\nand mentally than before or since, but the thought\nof artistic success sustained me. I looked forward\nto dropping the intolerable burden on finishing my\nwork there, and going ahead and becoming a writer.\nThis kept me on through it all, when I worked\non sheer nerve and every day was an agony. In\nI still cherished the delusion—I was a genius,\na superman, and would show them all.\nWhen I settled down in and bought a type-\nwriter I started typewriting my shorthand notes,\nput down in Havana, describing my moods, pas-\nsions and various mental conditions, having in"}, {"page_pdf": 64, "page_imprimee": "62", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.64", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1463, "texte": "mind writing a book, \"The Youth Who Was Pre-\nmaturely Tired\" .... mental struggles and states.\nOn getting down to it, however, the thought\nthat if I was to do anything it must be done while\nthe money I had saved by scrimping, scraping,\nsacrificing social life, amusement, almost every-\nthing,—lasted, which would not be any too long,\nand then, the old agony of uncongenial hellish work,\n—this thought took away everything.\nThe bottom fell out, and from that time on,\nlast September and October, I have steadily lost\nall confidence and hope in myself, and my grip on\nlife. The thought of going back to work .... the\nmental state of which it had been the product,\nhaunted me unceasingly.\nI dared not face the situation. I quarrelled at\nhome, with reason, however, fled to Arthur's house\nin . The wild idea I had conceived in ... .\nof disappearing, going away secretly and suddenly\nreturned. No matter where I turned there seemed\nno refuge from my own diseased mind. Wild\nanarchical schemes entered my head. Now I under-\nstood why men killed, went insane. Before I had\nexperienced passion, good and bad, honest and dis-\nhonest, clean and sane, and unclean and insane,\npoetic frenzy, glowing emotional enthusiasm, and\nnow new ranges of wildness came to me.\nI cursed myself, my parents, heaven and earth;\nthen the reaction brought sorrow and spasmodic\nattempts at reparation.\nI destroyed my books and objects of fond re-\nmembrance, the next day repented and endeavored"}, {"page_pdf": 65, "page_imprimee": "63", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.65", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1504, "texte": "to undo the damage. This began in Havana, con-\ntinued in and became worse in .\nThen in a sudden impulse I decided to go away\nfrom it all, using the excuse of going to California\nwith my aunt, then to Chicago, which I really in-\ntended to do.\nIn Chicago I at first felt like making a new\nstart, but after accepting a position, I had a fore-\nboding I should fall down on it, and I cursed the\nsocial system and employing class for not offering\nme a living salary for just as much work as I\ncould stand, and have leisure for writing, study,\netc.\nDeath seemed preferable to working, and, dread-\ning to go back to what it had represented in Havana\nand New York previous to that, I made the suicide\ndecision. The reasons enumerated all came to me\nnight after night as I lay awake, and I called\nfor death .... it was this dread of work that\nfinally took the ground away from under my feet.\nI felt in my heart that, with a weekly income of\nS2O to $25 I would persist and fight my mental\ndisabilities, finding consolation in reading, study-\ning, especially philosophy and writing. My idea\nwould be not to write with the idea of making\nmoney, but of making literature.\nI got cold feet whenever I thought of the sordid\ncommercialism of present American authorship.\nMy ideas and ideals, delusions, illusions, call them\nwhat you will, were too strong to face the facts.\nI had wild ideas of laying my case before some\nrich man, or at least some institution endowed by\none, seeing if they, out of pity, sympathy, or some"}, {"page_pdf": 66, "page_imprimee": "64", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.66", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1540, "texte": "other feeling, could be induced to allow me an in-\ncome of S2O to $25 per week, and not require of\nme definite results.\nI thought of going to sociologists, insanity ex-\nperts, those whom we read so much about in the\npapers, who are always talking of reform, eugenics,\nsocial service; but the realization that these glit-\ntering generalities meant nothing to one poor, weak,\ndegenerate individual like me, deterred me.\nTwo other reasons kept me back, the first self-\nrespect; for despite my weaknesses and downfalls,\nI still had an inordinate pride, and repulsed pity,\nsympathy, and felt how humiliating it would be\nto depend on some one else like that even were\nsuch a wild idea possible.\nWild idea, indeed. I remember the letters I\nwrote in the heyday of my ambition and enthusiasm,\nto Carnegie, Patten, E. H. R. Green, and several\nothers, asking for a hearing before some board to\nfurther education—and the fact of hearing nothing.\nTime and again I had bitterly reflected what\ngood is all this charity, social work. It is all gen-\neral, where does my personal case come in, who\nis there to give me a little human consideration,\na helping hand, encouragement, sociability, love?\nReformers, women reformers and social workers\nspend their efforts in closing up districts, scatter-\ning prostitutes, making it difficult to gamble and\ngenerally taking away the means for such as me to\nforget our troubles now and again, but not a hand\nis lifted to save me from insanity or death by my\nown hand.\nOutside of this feeling of death being preferable"}, {"page_pdf": 67, "page_imprimee": "65", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.67", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1490, "texte": "to the humiliation and shuddering at the shocks to\nmy sensitive nature which would be engendered by\nmaking public this record, there was the additional\nfeeling that instead of freedom from the bondage\nof poverty resulting from such an appeal, confine-\nment would be the result.\nI dread this about as much as going back to\nwork, because the sanctity, jealous regard and fear\nabout my personality, my individuality is such that\nif I thought that the result of an appeal would be\nconfinement, I would welcome death as a gift from\nheaven.\nI am an agnostic, and, philosophically at least,\nan anarchist. I want to be free, to glory in liberty;\nto have no boss, to be able to develop my intellect.\nTo do this I am willing to pay the price of keep-\ning within the law, to refrain from indulging sex-\nually more than seems absolutely necessary, but I\ncannot look forward to being fed and given a place\nto rest in, and otherwise allowed to develop in my\nown way, but not being allowed freedom of action\nand residence.\nI am not insane now, but any attempt at coercion\nor confinement would drive me violently insane. I\nshould beat at the doors of my cell, curse every-\nthing and die raving, and it is the fear of confine-\nment that keeps me from submitting this to those\nwho could probably save me if they would.\nBefore the day when my last dollar is gone\ncomes I may in desperation [decide] to risk this, in\nthe hope of being allowed to live in my own way\nrather than commit suicide, but I don't know."}, {"page_pdf": 68, "page_imprimee": "66", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.68", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1521, "texte": "Denver, Colo., February 6, 1913. After that fall\nin Chicago, after Strindberg, Saturday, January\n25th, hope left me until the 30th. Leaving that\nday for 'Frisco a certain old time grim resolution\nto make another big effort took possession of me,\nbut to no purpose as usual.\nAt noon of the 31st, I changed trains at La\nJunta for a side trip to Denver. While on the way\nto Denver I became acquainted with the man who\nput me back in fighting mood for several days.\nOur conversation started when he asked permission\nto sit beside me, which was unnecessary, but polite.\nHe casually asked if I was going to stay in Denver.\nI said no, that I was merely on a visit. I asked\nto be referred to a hotel. He told me of the\nkept by his brother.\nWe talked along, and he painted Colorado in\nglowing colors—said he had left New York twenty-\ntwo years ago, and with the exception of one year\nin Texas, had lived in Denver ever since. To his\nmind there was no place like it. He told me busi-\nness was quiet, but that I could undoubtedly get\nsomething within a short time. He invited me to\ncall at his house on Sunday.\nWe arrived Friday night, the 31st, and he\npointed out the hotel from the station, and hurried\noff. Saturday, I took sight-seeing car through city,\nand Sunday foothills trip. The air was fine, as\nhe had enthusiastically said, and the bright appear-\nance of things, despite a snowstorm on Saturday,\nargued well for this as a healthy, bright, beautiful\ncity and all he said it was.\nI called on him Sunday, and found he had a"}, {"page_pdf": 69, "page_imprimee": "67", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.69", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1563, "texte": "beautiful house, a pleasant wife and two fine chil-\ndren. The little girl of three took to me right away,\nwhich surprised them but not me, as children do\ntake to me. The boy of thirteen was also very\nenthusiastic, bright and friendly, and after supper\nwe three grown-ups had a pleasant talk on various\nsubjects. I left with a delightful feeling of having\nhad a glimpse of a nice home, which brought back\nall my thoughts of times past of a home, with a\nlovely wife and children on my knee, dreams which\nin my bad periods I had rejected as hopeless for\nme, thus taking away a great spur to work and\nambition.\nImpulsively the next day I put in my ticket for\nrefund, being willing in my enthusiasm to lose sll\nor so for baggage, which had gone on to Frisco,\nto say nothing of freight charges of over $7, includ-\ning boxing, for return to Denver. Thus I expect to\npull out $lO of my $49.75 for ticket from Chicago,\nfare to Denver being $22.60, tourist. I give these\nfigures to show how great was my ecstasy on Mon-\nday morning, February 3d, perhaps the last time I\nshall feel so optimistic and in love with everything,\ngreat enough to make me, without work and less\nthan SIOO in cash, drop $lB carelessly and without\nworry—me, who had skimped and scraped ever\nsince started working, although only to lose reck-\nlessly on impulses.\nThen I went after work in the same spirit;\ncalled on the Chamber of Commerce, was referred\nto two reliable employment agencies, went to the\ntypewriter companies, and visited one prospective\nemployer. On Tuesday I visited three, and could"}, {"page_pdf": 70, "page_imprimee": "68", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.70", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1497, "texte": "probably have landed one, but my old bugaboo, the\nreaction, had begun to set in, and at 5 o'clock\nTuesday, after lying down in my room at the hotel\nI got up, hurriedly dressed, rushed to the railroad\nticket office, and asked to have my baggage stopped.\nMy ticket had gone in for refund, and the freight\nagent promised to telegraph immediately to hold\nbaggage if not already sent. Yesterday I found it\nhad been sent, and now await returns on that and\nmy ticket.\nWhen I got these I thought of going on to\nFrisco and ending it all there. Last night I wrote\na despairing letter home, offering to return if they\nwould send me SSO, but did not mail it, and this\nmorning tore it up, merely writing saying I would\nbe here until the latter part of this month in case\nthe family had any proposition to make to me or\nmoney to send.\nIf they ask me to return and send some money,\nI probably will. Otherwise I shall probably go to\nFrisco with a week or two week's expenses in my\npocket after paying fare, and finishing this story.\nI say probably in both cases because I now realize\nmy hopeless lack of will-power, my whole life prac-\ntically being impulse with a delusive current of pur-\npose running through it.\n—, February 6, 1913, 10: 37 P. M. This morning\nI cast out hope. To-night I feel that beneath all\nmy degeneracy and weakness, I am a genius and I\nfeel that I cannot die without leaving something\nbehind. No, I will fight. It is harder for my yield-\ning, but I cannot give up without a struggle. Some-"}, {"page_pdf": 71, "page_imprimee": "69", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.71", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1511, "texte": "where and at some time I must prove that I am\nsomething besides a weakling. Good and evil pre-\ndominate by turns, love and hate, weakness and\nstrength. Reconciliation is the solution. I have\njust read an article in The International for Novem-\nber, 1911—\" J. William Lloyd, Philosopher of the\nParadox,\" and it gives me new faith in myself.\nDenver, Colo., February 8, 1913. Yesterday was\na good day. I went to bed feeling the same way\nas when I wrote the above, and even felt I had made\na discovery, or rather discovered or realized an old\ntruth in its application to my case, namely, mod-\neration.\nInstead of going to the extreme in one direction\nas I have done, I said go as far as the conditions\npermit, but cease before the pleasure does.\nApplying this to intellect it would mean study\nphilosophy, but don't overwork it—dream with the\npoets, but not too much. In this plan, Strindberg,\nShaw, Ibsen, and others all have their place.\nWomen, well the same here—quit before becom-\ning weary, and a mental reservation to endeavor to\nhold off more and more, but not to take it to heart\nif not able to. This is a natural weakness, and is\ngood if not too much. Can I do it? That is the\nquestion. If I can tide over that terrible reaction\nthat comes several times a week, and sometimes\nnight after night, I think I can endure life, or hell,\nas I am coming to regard it.\nReversing the conventional view I might say,\n\"Life is hell, and we have nothing to look forward\nto which is worse, therefore if there is any future"}, {"page_pdf": 72, "page_imprimee": "70", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.72", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1465, "texte": "life, it must be better.\" Whether this is logical or\nnot, I don't know, but it looks good to me, even if\nnot altogether original.\nI have been reading Strindberg at the Denver\nLibrary the last few days. I have read \"Countess\nJulia, the Dream Play, the Link and the Dance of\nDeath.\"\nI enjoyed them, which is a matter of course, as\nI always understand and enjoy deeply the work of\ngenius, especially so-called degenerate genius.\nLast night some time or other I dropped hope,\nonly to pick her up again, for she must be a woman\n—she tantalizes me so much.\nDenver, Colo., Monday, February 10, 1913. Yes-\nterday as the day wore on, gloom prevailed, increas-\ning until last night, but I clenched my fists and\ngrit my teeth this morning, and will go on.\nThree months to a day to my birthday, I notice,\nwho am always looking for auspicious dates for a\nnew start.\nThe principal issue is clear, I must crucify my\nperverted hereditary sexual appetites. Absolute\ncontinence except under favorable conditions. As\nthese conditions are unlikely to occur, as I am not\ngoing looking for them, namely, that a woman yield\nfrom pure love or passion, and the only other alterna-\ntive is marriage, I have a big fight on, but as the\nissue is life with honor, or death, with or without\nhonor, I feel that I shall make this stand at last,\nafter which the fight will be easier, if without the\nprospect of happiness, for, after all, I must not\nexpect happiness; I must learn to live without it,"}, {"page_pdf": 73, "page_imprimee": "71", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.73", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1417, "texte": "to make my life represented by my work, and finally\nI may attain a degree of peace and rest, if not of\nhappiness. Yes, crucify, the devil.\nNew York, Sunday, February 23, 1913. Arrived\nhere last Tuesday night, the 18th. Thursday on\nbad attack of grippe. Misery, of course, induced\nexceeding pessimism, but .... although physically\nmiserable, my mental condition is hopeful.\nShall endeavor to remain in New York. De-\npends on whether I get well quick and get work\nquick, as I have just $24 in cash left from the S4OO\nI saved in Havana, with $lO from railway refund\ncoming sometime. If health and work come out,\nthen it is only a matter of being able to keep it up.\nIf not pride humbled, back to Apropos\nof this, I am not so sure but that I made a bigger\nfool of myself than others whom I consigned to\nthat class.\nHave been with old. friend , first time in\nfive years, with exception of one brief day. He\nhas changed considerably. Now is all for experi-\nence and practicality—theories merely a sideline,\nand, of course, for both of us to live it must be so.\nNew York, February 28, 1913. I leave to-\nmorrow for , my last trip. On the eve of a\nnew month I feel indifferent. Hopelessness took\npossession of me several days ago, and I pretty\nwell decided to end it all as planned.\nHowever, as my money is gone I must work if\nI am to live even until May 10th, and, of course,\nif I work again for ever so short a time in view,"}, {"page_pdf": 74, "page_imprimee": "72", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.74", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1328, "texte": "I cannot say how long I may keep it up, so I say\nnothing.\nI make no grand resolutions for beginning [of\nmonth], but the usual sexual one, having fallen\nagain. Even if I must die because of my weakness\nphysically I would like a\n—, Sunday, March 23, 1913. I had not intended\nwriting in my diary to-day, but at the end of the\nmonth. This evening, alone in the house, every-\nthing quiet, the fire gently singing, even the cat\nasleep. I was reading in the kitchen Dickens'\n\"Great Expectations.\" I just heard a sound and\nfind my brother Percy asleep on the sofa in the\nnext room. A feeling of peace came over me as I\nlaid down my book that I was prompted to write in\nmy diary, for moments of peace have been so in-\nfrequent of late that it was a remarkable contrast\nto my wild vagaries and desperately suppressed\nemotions.\nFor I am working again. I arrived here night\nof Saturday, March Ist, and on Tuesday the 4th,\ncommenced work with at the fine salary of\n$55 a month, with prospects. They offered $5O; I\nsuggested it and we compromised on $55. Of\ncourse, there have been openings in my line at\nhigher salaries, but I took the first thing and will\nnot change, as it seems good as business goes, unless\nthe prospects do not materialize.\nThough I hated to acknowledge it to myself, I\nneeded to get back to work more than anything else"}, {"page_pdf": 75, "page_imprimee": "73", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.75", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1457, "texte": "to save me. I had my opportunity, or rather I\nsaved up S4OO by sacrifices in Havana, and then sat\ndown and did nothing until half was gone, after-\nwards wasting the rest in a wild goose chase after\nmy destiny.\nHowever, I entered into my work with a spirit\nof hopeful resignation. Being inevitable, and for\nthe first time in my work, acknowledging it, I will\nnot say I attend to it more conscientiously, but I\ngrip myself when a wave of the old dissatisfaction\npasses over me and work, work.\nAt night I sleep, but at intervals during day and\nevening, and in the morning I find it a great effort\nnot to fly off the handle in protest of it all, but\nkeep on just the same.\nI have had several passionate weak outbursts\nduring the month, several times I have made a\nfool of myself by venting my temper on those\naround me, but generally I hold myself in better\nand am more conscious of having command of\nmyself.\nAs for my ideas and ambition. It is still alive.\nThe will to live is stronger than any misery as a\nforce for life as against death. Taking this as a\nmere basis, I must of necessity have some larger\nview than the mere cramping effect of a clerkship.\nI work, because I must and under protest, but\nI try to do my best, and I work honestly and I\nearn my salary and more, as much as I can under\nthe circumstances.\nI am just getting settled and am getting my\nbooks together. lam now going in for drama and\nI still have a soft spot in my heart for philosophy,"}, {"page_pdf": 76, "page_imprimee": "74", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.76", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1476, "texte": "although I am still at the beginning of Kant's\nCritique. I read a little of it to-day.\nI still feel the call of a larger mission, but I\nfeel more like going about it in a practical, busi-\nness-like way, because I realize I must. I acknowl-\nedge that. Experience has had to push facts down\nmy throat before I would face them with the aid of\nBernard Shaw.\nI feel more sincere now. A tendency I have\nnoted to theatricalism I will sternly suppress. I\nsometimes act cruelly after a mental struggle and\nI just hold myself by calling on Neitzsche and the\nphilosophy of the superman, and then woe betide\nthe one who crosses me.\nWhile I will not force it, and avoid self-pity, I\ncannot help feeling at bottom the tragedy of life\nto me. It is such an effort to live, there is so\nlittle to look back on, no youth, no sweetheart, no\nlove except that of the children, and the mistaken\nlove of a weak mother. The short peace to-night\nstands out but as soon as I became conscious of\nit I said to myself that I must cultivate that frame\nof mind to do the best work and find out the truth\nquickest.\n—, Sunday, June 1, 1913. This morning, the\nbeginning of week and month, and the first real\nspring Sunday of the season, I once more start on\na process of rehabilitation. For three years I have\nbeen fighting my sexual passions. Previous to May\n21, 1910, as I note from that date in my diary, I\nwas clean absolutely, as I have said before. Three\nyears of the fiercest action and reaction. Despair"}, {"page_pdf": 77, "page_imprimee": "75", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.77", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1520, "texte": "to the verge of suicide, exultation to such heights\nof ecstasy that Heaven opened its gates almost.\nAnd in between indifference, or simply dull care,\ndaily monotonous, hopeless toil, restless, tired\nnights.\nI lived over the date set for my suicide, May\n10th, this year. Every month I determined to start\nin anew, practically every month for these three\nyears. At the first of the years 1911, 1912 and\n1913, at birthdays May 10, 1911, 1912 and 1913,\nLeap-year, February 29, 1912, and after every de-\nspair I started in anew with the determination to\nnot only conquer that weakness, but to restrain\nmyself in speech and act sufficiently .... ahead\nand accomplish something.\nFailure has been the result every time. I ask\nmyself why, and the answers are many and various,\naccording to the last disappointment.\nIn a large measure it has been due to that\nemptiness of my life, to the lack of affection and\na definite ambition, and to my not being more posi-\ntive instead of attempting to be merely negatively\nvirtuous or self-controlled (as I don't like the word\nvirtuous), combined with nervousness, strong pas-\nsions and emotional qualities with no proper outlet\nfor them when they became so put up as to threaten\nto overflow.\nTo-day I begin on a new ground, that of being\npositive and rigidly self-controlled until I feel I\ncan relax with impunity. I have tried relaxing be-\nfore after a week, two weeks, but one relaxation\nin word or act has been followed by others until\nthe circle has been completed by a blind unreason-"}, {"page_pdf": 78, "page_imprimee": "76", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.78", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1525, "texte": "ing yield to the sexual impulse under conditions\nof mental chaos and physical exhaustion, and then\nnew resolutions and reaction set in.\nI would go far to state that it is different now,\nbut so repeatedly and in such a series of shocks\nhas the lesson been driven home, that I have sim-\nply in desperation put suicide on one side and re-\nstraint on the other, and, realizing that it is im-\npossible to go on as I have been doing, I have,\nwith all the remaining strength, passion, love, honor,\nor whataver is left in me, ambition and enthusiasm,\nand the like, determined once and for all and for\none year at least to be absolutely ascetic as the\nfirst step. To restrain myself all around is, of\ncourse, the next, and I will succeed fairly well.\nThe big questions of sex I leave open. I must\nget an impersonal view away from the conflict first.\nPhilosophy I also leave open, tentatively adopt-\ning the simple formula from that of the superman,\nthe will to live because life is painful and the\nwill to power, endeavoring to thrust out everything\nthat makes for weakness.\nFriday, June 13, 1913. Just writing to-day be-\ncause it happens to be Friday the 13th—13th more\nbecause I have nothing but contempt for the silly\nsuperstition.\nHave maintained my resolution as far as sex\nis concerned easily enough to date, but otherwise\nI am not satisfied with self-control attained, that\nis, in speech and temper, but time will tell. I'll\npull through a full year on the one thing in any\ncase, and I am still fighting for all around control,"}, {"page_pdf": 79, "page_imprimee": "77", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.79", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1522, "texte": "and a settled scheme of work towards becoming a\nsuccessful playwright.\nSaturday, July 26, 1913. Nearly two months\npassed since June Ist, and I have failed to keep my\ngood resolutions and also to commit suicide after\nseveral failures. It seems a silly business all\naround, these writings included, but I must keep\non for awhile in this strain.\nThe only thing is to try again. I only realize\nthe more keenly the utter hopelessness of the\neasiest way. Self-control, and the thought as I\nlook ahead of giving up things is harder, but the\nother is impossible. I hesitate to express myself\nso confidently as to my ability to be a superman\nand a genius, but I can still fight on for a time at\nleast. The end is not yet. What it will be I don't\nknow. The depths have been deep and the heights\nmight have been higher, but there is a fair middle\ncourse possible and I'll try to do my best.\nAt twenty-three I have to go back to the self-\nconsciousness of youth before I can cast it all off\nand face life as it is. I often realize the apparent\npriggishness and silliness of this diary, but I at\nleast try to be sincere sometimes, and after the\nshocks of the realization of life I may write as a\nman. Things cannot go on as they have been do-\ning. Circumstances will force me to sink or swim,\neither to rise from this slough and weakness or\ncollapse utterly, and this knowledge will help me.\nI may be silent for a long time now, because I\nam about to cast off my romantic youth and be a\nman, and the break will appear more isudden than"}, {"page_pdf": 80, "page_imprimee": "78", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.80", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1503, "texte": "it is. Up to now this diary does not show the vast\nprogress towards disillusioned manhood I have\ntaken. In reality they are so big that I have at\ntimes bridged the gulf and said, \"All is illusion.\"\nI have felt the utter pettiness of this struggle and\nseen things from the impersonal and even tran-\nscendental viewpoint. The difficulty is, after mak-\ning the jump, to come back to where I left off and\ntake up the daily struggle. It is hard after realiz-\ning that finally one will say, \"All is illusion, whether\nit be worldly success—money and honor, or artistic\nsuccess and the personal satisfaction of work well\ndone.\" However, I must come back in order to\nlive at all, and if I find it too much and after re-\npeated attempts some day give it up as hopeless,\nthen it will be necessary to take the jump at once\nfrom youth to death and leave out what comes in\nbetween.\nNew York, September 27, 1913. .Suicide again\npresenting itself as the only way out, I was\nprompted to read over my diaries. As a result my\nsense of humor caused me to destroy the first one,\ndating from 1905, my fifteenth year. Full of\nchildish struggles and events, at least until my\neighteenth year, I could not let it live after my\ndeath. After my eighteenth year in New York, I\nbegan to face reality, but yet I could not allow\neven that part of the record to survive.\nTrue, from my fifteenth year I have been in a\nbad way, but until several years ago a solution\nseemed bound to come. Suicide never entered my\nthoughts in those days."}, {"page_pdf": 81, "page_imprimee": "79", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.81", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1465, "texte": "Sex worried me, however, from fourteenth or\nfifteenth year. Mentally, only until my twentieth,\nbut thinking without acting didn't strengthen me.\nHowever as this is a sort of last testament I must\nnot waste time on those days. I hardly know how\nto begin and what to say, but something seems\nnecessary.\nI could not write the greater part of this even\nnow, because I have realized since that it is alto-\ngether foreign to the spirit prevailing among the\nAnglo-Saxon, so-called, at least, and I myself am\nsufficiently contaminated with their spirit to feel\ncynical about it.\nIf these writings do come to print I can imagine\ncynical and damn foolish newspapermen writing\nabout weaklings and degenerates in line with silly\neditorial in New York Times recently about suicide\nand another in the World on occasion of suicide of\na girl who was tired of 20 cent dinners, to say\nv\nnothing about those arch idiots and hypocrites, the\nHearst hirelings with their talks about the idle rich\nand the good thing it is most of us have to work\nfor little.\nOf course, I do not compare myself to the aver-\nage man. If I had no sense of hurnor I would\nhave persisted and made myself a genius in spite\nof the hell life has been. Nietzsche could never\nhave been if he was born in England or the States.\nBut I only feel at home when I read men of\ngenius. Always without a friend, the average man\nis a stranger to me. Women have killed me, be-\ncause with all my temperament and passion I have"}, {"page_pdf": 82, "page_imprimee": "80", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.82", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1509, "texte": "been too shy to ever have any love or outlet to\nmy passion.\nIt is hard to say that if things had been different\nthat such and such would be the case. Sometimes\nI have thought absolutely sincerely that if I had\nhad enough money to be able to dispense with the\ndaily grind, which, with its necessity of strong ex-\ncitement as a reaction, has so impaired my will-\npower as to bring me from supreme egoism of\nimagining and believing myself to be a genius to a\nmiserable death alone and away from home by my\nown hand.\nAt other times I have said that if I question my-\nself honestly that with money I would have simply\ndegenerated into a good for nothing vicious idler\nof the Thaw class.\nNow, when about to die, I will be honest and\nsay that the latter would have probably been the\noutcome, but it is by no means certain. After all\nI have been outraged and disgusted in the past\nafter every fall from a certain standard and my\nlove of books does die while I live. Who knows\nbut that I might have got down to study and work\nand done something? Undoubtedly, I would have\nhad affairs with women (had time and money per-\nmitted) under any circumstances, but drink and\ndrug has never appealed to me, even in imagination.\nI have been honest and sincere, particularly to\nthe fine point on matters of honor, at least until I\nbegan to lose my grip on life. While I never got\ndown and faced things, it was because I was in-\ncurably romantic, and when I finally began to real-\nize life it came to me in such a series of shocks"}, {"page_pdf": 83, "page_imprimee": "81", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.83", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1549, "texte": "that independence would have probably made me\na Baudelaire, without his creative work to balance\nthe scale. With such an impractical, childish\nmother and failure of a father, uncongenial brothers\nand sisters, almost hating each other, with bad\nheredity on both sides and a hellish environment,\na shy nervous, suspicious disposition, extremes of\necstasy and despair, ungratified passions, alone and\nfriendless, how could I end otherwise than a\nsuicide?\nI claim that any man who commits suicide of\nnecessity suffers more than any who continues to\nlive. I don't want to die. I cannot make any out-\nsider realize by anything I can write how I have\ntried to avoid this step. I have tried every sub-\nterfuge to fool myself, to kid myself along that life\nwasn't so bad after all. This record does not show\nup my humorous side, but I laugh as much as I\nfeel like crying. I enjoy a comedy as well as a\ntragedy, am tickled by the very things that amuse\nthe average American, and at a baseball game I\nactually feel like one of the boys, but where I differ\nis in my tragic and morbid side, and my keen\nsensitiveness.\nThings which pass over most men afflict me\nwith terrible force. My pride has stood in the way\nof my hope of success under conditions which exist\nin this country at present. I cannot indefinitely\npretend as I apply for work that I am just like the\nrest. I cannot always conceal the resentment and\nscorn I feel as I interview business men and stand\nor sit before them as a mere stenographer. I, a\nfellow in spirit with men of genius, must show my"}, {"page_pdf": 84, "page_imprimee": "82", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.84", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 1427, "texte": "references, call and beg and implore, for a miser-\nable salary which I despise, must haggle for a few\ndollars more, the price of a meal.\nThe indignity of it all. I, an aristocrat at heart,\nof the arsitocracy of brains and sentiment, must\nelbow with the ignorant vulgar bourgeois who\ncould not for an instant understand if they would.\nWhat is the use? Death only holds forth relief.\nI cannot look back on a really happy day. Light-\nhearted and merry have I been on occasions, but\nseldom a day without morbid thoughts sometime\nor other, generally at night. If I could have had a\nmistress things might have been different. When\nI have gone out and had sexual intercourse with\na woman who pleased my imagination I have slept\nwell—seldom otherwise.\nSex has been my Nemesis, and to-day if I had\nmoney I would continue to live. Without it, the\nwhole dreary past and prospective future is too\nmuch for me. With it I could dispense with the\ngrind and do work after my own heart.\nOf course, others have the grind, also; but the\nfact that they continue to live shows that they can\nstand it much better, and were born to it. I wasn't.\nMy whole nature is outraged by the life I have had\nto lead. Empty, cold, dismal, hellish.\nLet the cynical hirelings of the newspaper whom\nBernard Shaw well shows his contempt for, laugh\nand write editorials. The day will come when men\nwill be allowed to live, not rot, the New York\nTimes notwithstanding."}, {"page_pdf": 85, "page_imprimee": "83", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.85", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 602, "texte": "If a thousand men could be persuaded to com-\nmit suicide in protest, the powers that be would\nsit up and take notice.\nArise you Americans who have some blood in\nyou and get rid of your Comstocks, Bryans, re-\nligious hypocrites and grafters, and let the so-called\ndegenerates and insane men have a say, and if you\ndo not live bigger and better, then you deserve\nwhat you get.\nThe majority is always wrong, and the minority\nof supermen and degenerates—Zolas, Ibsens, etc.—\nmust band together and overthrow the whole damn\nsystem which drives the best, the most sincere and\nhonest to suicide or starvation."}]}, {"article_id": "bm-bmtnaat-1913-11-01-c008", "article_bluemountain": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01#c008", "volume": "bmtnaat_1913-11_01", "ocr_source": "OCR Blue Mountain (ALTO), transcription TEI : lignes lb/@facs", "texte_sans_correction": true, "page_debut": "85", "page_fin": "85", "image_debut": 87, "image_fin": 87, "pages_selon": "pagination imprimée relevée dans le METS Blue Mountain (ORDERLABEL) ; [n] = page sans folio restituée", "url_article": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.2.8", "titre_corps": "The December issue of THE", "titre_sommaire": "The December issue of THE", "signature_source": "", "controle": "bornes données par la structure logique METS/ALTO de Blue Mountain (blocs ALTO de chaque constituant)", "pages": [{"page_pdf": 87, "page_imprimee": "85", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.87", "debut_caractere": 0, "fin_caractere_exclue": 99, "texte": "The December issue of THE\nGLEBE will present \"The\nAzure Adder,\" a one-act comedy\nby Charles Demuth."}]}], "pages_ocr_originales": [{"page_pdf": 1, "page_imprimee": "couv. 1", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.1", "texte": "Diary of a Suicide\nBy Wallace E. Baker\n\nSHBEbk (UK. iSßaB»i TSfcim ~\nj»§B_-\nmsm MEI tbBB aSaB T^\n!®E£EgMk 'XKaMHC\n_ •\nMteh,. BP\n| . --\"^aagg^\n&*£*; ,v ' ~\\ ___ - • ~ «&*? ;• \\'*\nNUMBER 2\nNOVEMBER\n's' - ■■-..'■'- .' ' - ...'!■' ■■' - - ■ ' ■\nT H T Q\nxy A o\nSUBSCRIPTION\nThree Dollars Yearly\nTHIS ISSUE 50 CENTS"}, {"page_pdf": 2, "page_imprimee": "couv. 2", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.2", "texte": "THE only editorial policy of THE GLEBE is\nthat embodied in its declaration of absolute\nfreedom of expression, which makes for a range\nbroad enough to include every temperament from\nthe most radical to the most conservative, the only\nrequisite being that the work should have unmistakable\nmerit. Each issue will be devoted exclusively\nto one individual, thereby giving him an op-\nportunity to present his work in sufficient bulk to\nmake it possible for the reader to obtain a much\nmore comprehensive grasp of his personality than is\nafforded him in the restricted space allotted by the\nother magazines. Published monthly, or more frequently\nif possible, THE GLEBE will issue twelve\nto twenty books per year, chosen on their merits\nalone, since the subscription list does away with the\nneed of catering to the popular demand that confronts\nevery publisher. Thus, THE GLEBE can\npromise the best work of American and foreign\nauthors, known and unknown.\nThe price of each issue of THE GLEBE will vary\nwith the cost of publication, but the yearly subscription,\nincluding special numbers, is three dollars.\n\nEditor Associates Business Manager\nAlfred Kreymborg Leonard D. Abbott Charles Boni, Jr.\nAlbert Boni\nAlanson Hartpence\nAdolf Wolff"}, {"page_pdf": 3, "page_imprimee": "n. p.", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.3", "texte": "Diary of a Suicide"}, {"page_pdf": 5, "page_imprimee": "[3]", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.5", "texte": "Diary of a Suicide\nBy\nWallace E. Baker\n\nTfiix\ndgi\nNEW YORK\nALBERT AND CHARLES BONI\n96 Fifth Avenue\n1913"}, {"page_pdf": 6, "page_imprimee": "[4]", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.6", "texte": "Copyright, 1913\nBy\nThe Glebe"}, {"page_pdf": 7, "page_imprimee": "5", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.7", "texte": "FOREWORD.\nA. K.\nOn Sept. 28th, 1913, Mr. B. Russell Herts, of\n\"The International,\" received the following letter:\nNew York, Sept. 27, 1913.\nMr. B. Russell Herts,\nc/o International Magazine,\nNew York City.\nDear Mr. Herts:—Under separate cover I am send-\ning you a record of a young man who is about to com-\nmit suicide. My only object is that it may help, if\npublished in part or whole, to ease the way for some\nwho come after.\nIf you will kindly read it through, especially the\nlatter part, you will be able to judge whether you care\nto make any use of it. If not, kindly mail same to\nMr. , Toronto, Ont.\nI have cut out references to places and people here\nand there for their sake, because naturally I cannot be\nworried about myself after death.\nThanking you for giving this matter your attention,\nI remain,\nI do not sign this, but you may verify my death by\ncommunicating with Mr. , whom I am writing\nto-day, so that he may look after my effects in New\nYork.\nThe body of a well-dressed young man was\nfound off Manhattan Beach, Sept. 28th. In his\npockets a torn photograph of Strindberg and receipts\nfor three registered letters were found. These re-\nceipts were traced to Mr. Herts and to friends in\nToronto, one of whom identified the body on Oct. 2d\nas that of Wallace E. Baker. He was buried on\nOct. 3d in Evergreen Cemetery, Brooklyn."}, {"page_pdf": 8, "page_imprimee": "6", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.8", "texte": "Note: In cutting out his references to places and people,\nBaker marred some of the text. These excisions are indicated\nby dots, dashes or stars.\nTHE GLEBE is indebted to Mr. Herts and \"The International\"\nfor the permission to publish the diary."}, {"page_pdf": 9, "page_imprimee": "7", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.9", "texte": "THE DIARY OF A SUICIDE\n—, January 26, 1912. It is with mingled feel-\nings of hope, discouragement, joy and pain that I\nbegin the second book of my diary.\nMy hope springs from the fact that my outlook\nseems to be clearer ahead, the old uncertainty is\nmore in the background, but there is another side\nto it all. My discouragement comes from my con-\nstant feeling of tiredness, less evident in the even-\ning and for awhile at night, but exceedingly strong\nduring every afternoon with few exceptions. This\nhas resulted in my weak yielding to weakness at\nnight, and only last night after my confidence that\nI had gained a certain mastery I was overcome.\nThis was partly from the fact that I worked at the\noffice until nearly ten o'clock, charging a supper\nwith wine to the firm. Although I drink very little,\nnow and again I have gone out and taken a decent\nmeal with wine to get away from the monotonous\nboarding-house fare. A small bottle which I nearly\nemptied (cheap wine) resulted in making me feel\ngood—l have never been under the influence of\nliquor more than to feel good, never without full\npossession of my faculties, but on the rare occasions\nwhen I have taken a little I have sometimes noticed\na weakening of the faculties, a sort of lack of moral\nrestraint. I had enough last night to weaken for\na time my new found resolutions, but the succeed-\ning absolute disgust and worry lead me to believe"}, {"page_pdf": 10, "page_imprimee": "8", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.10", "texte": "that I was not wrong in thinking that the struggle\nis now on a higher plane.\nMy salary was increased at the first of the year\nto $22.50 a week. Although glad of this, my old-\ntime pleasure at the receipt of more money each\npay-day is lacking. Money I must have to live,\nfurther than that it seems a pitiful waste of time\nto spend one's life in a mad endeavor to obtain\nwealth at the price of all that counts.\nHavana, Cuba, February 29, 1912. Leap-year\nand a good opportunity to enter on a bigger fight.\nI must date my beginning this time as February 18,\nbeing the day after my last fall from grace. The\nweek and a half since, however, makes me feel con-\nfident once more, despite that for three or four\ndays I have been without a night's rest, owing to\nstomach trouble and the nervousness thereby en-\ngendered, but this is nothing unusual, that is, the\nloss of sleep, for it is long since I have had a real\ngood night's rest, and I know a crisis is approach-\ning and I must get rested ere I collapse.\nI have read during this time \"Ibsen, the Man,\nHis Art and Flis Significance,\" by Haldane Macfall,\nand it has given me great encouragement and\naroused intense enthusiasm. I feel that I am get-\nting back my old enthusiasm, that I am recovering\nmy ideals on a higher basis, although I am undoubt-\nedly weaker than ever physically. But with in-\ncreased moral strength I hope soon to cut down\nthe buts, howevers, althoughs, and to stand forth\nwith more decision, more firmness, and knowing\nmyself, and with my ideas and ideals clarified."}, {"page_pdf": 11, "page_imprimee": "9", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.11", "texte": "During the last two months the first step in this\nattempted regeneration has been becoming more\nand more a determination, emerging from a mere\nunsettled idea—must return home for various\nreasons. First, I am played out physically and\nneed rest. More important should be the fact that\nmy mother is getting old, has been constantly call-\ning to me to return, worries about me, needs me\nto put my shoulder to the wheel more than I have\ndone. True, I have systematically put apart for my\nmother a certain amount every month for a long-\ntime and have sent it without fail even when only\nearning $lO a week back in the early part of 1910.\nThis at least has kept me in constant touch with\nmy dear old home, full of strife though it was.\nWhile I have at frequently recurring periods\nthought of returning home during the past year and\na half, my resolution did not crystallize until I be-\ngan to feel the compelling necessity of a rest, bodily,\nmentally, and, I might say, morally. Hot and cold\nby turns, lonely, sleepless, tired and generally run\ndown, I have not been able to look at things in\ntheir true proportion, and I must get away for\nawhile from the daily struggle, keeping up the\nmental and moral one, however. To this end I\nhave practically cut out all amusement. Night after\nnight I come home tired out, read a little, generally\ntill lights are out at 10:30, and then to my dis-\nturbed sleep. Getting up early as to-day (7:00 to\n7:30 being early for me) I either read, study, write\nas to-day, or work on my story which I started last\nAugust and of which I will write more later. This\nelimination of outside distractions is helping to"}, {"page_pdf": 12, "page_imprimee": "10", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.12", "texte": "strengthen me, helping me to look forward to a life\nof service without the necessity of foolish excite-\nment, and the money I am saving by this closeness\nin everything except necessities I hope to enable\nme to go home, rest, think, exercise, and study\ncalmly and sanely for a year, paying my mother a\nregular weekly amount; and I hope at the end of\nthe year to have sufficiently found myself to go\nahead on my work with more collected ideas as\nto what I want and what I should want, and all\nto the better interests of my mother, myself and\nthe good of others with whom I may come in con-\ntact. By the middle of this year. I hope to take\nthe first step by returning home.\nHavana, Sunday, March 17, 1912. The 15th\nushered in a new start, and the 16th was a very\nimportant day. On the 14th I had been thinking\nvery intently about future plans and went very\ncarefully over the ground of a possible college\ncourse. I picked up my Self Educators and looked\ninto the various subjects for study, estimated the\ntime I would have to spend on a college course;\nthe financial difficulties, my mother's need of my\nhelp, my temperament and pronounced predilection\nfor certain things and as pronounced aversion for\nothers, my nervousness and constant mental strug-\ngle ; the result of all this was to confirm what I\nwrote on January 8, that I had about given up the\nidea. The only hope, or rather possibility I have\nin view now, is that I may take a course in certain\nspecial subjects—literature, drama, philosophy,\nlogic and sociology, but I hate mathematics. I pick"}, {"page_pdf": 13, "page_imprimee": "11", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.13", "texte": "up a book of algebra with extreme distaste and,\nalthough my enthusiasm in New York caused me\nto study this subject fairly assiduously, I see it was\na mistake.\nI have a distinct tendency and deep enthusiasm\nfor literature, gradually awakening from my first\nboyish effusions at the age of 10, and it was a\nwaste of time to neglect what I can excel in for the\nsake of a mistaken idea that a college education\nmeans so much.\nThe reason that the 15th of this month was\nan important day is that, following my decision of\nthe previous day re college and subsequent weak-\nness, I made a big step towards finding myself on\nthe 15th. While I had known for some time that\nI did not care for mathematics, Latin, Greek, and\nprobably several other subjects, I still cherished\nthe idea that I wanted to go deep into philosophy\nand possibly biology, and, of course, study soci-\nology, logic and perhaps economics seriously. This\nwas sufficient to cause me to put in considerable\nwasted time on the subjects I did not like, espec-\nially algebra.\nOn the day mentioned, but two days ago, I\nlooked into this matter in the view of a special\ncollege course, eliminating mathematics. Then I\nrealized that I liked the subjects as long as they\ndid not become too abstruse or mathematical. I\nsaw that biology as soon as one gets past the popu-\nlar books on the subject and the \"Origin of Species\"\nbecomes a subject of much mathematics and dry\nscience, as evidenced by Huxley's Essays, which I\nunsuccessfully endeavored to digest with enthusi-"}, {"page_pdf": 14, "page_imprimee": "12", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.14", "texte": "asm. Now I know that I merely want to study\nbiology in a general way for the sake of culture\nand because of a thirst for knowledge, which, how-\never, is not sufficient to make me go into the dry\ndetails. lam interested, however, very much in the\nquestion of heredity, but not to specialize in. The\nrealization of this in regard to biology, coming sud-\ndenly and sharply, caused a sort of awakening. I be-\ngan to search my other tendencies and realized that\nI did not like the dry, obstruse details of philoso-\nphy either, nor economics, but that byway of work-\ning out a philosophy of life or conduct and hope for\nfuture, I was very greatly, more, vitally, interested\nin the subject. I like to read and study philoso-\nphy as giving a basis for a plan of life, but when\nyou get to the brain wearying works of Kant and\nthe like it is different. For instance, in reading of\nIbsen and Tolstoy and their philosophy of anarch-\nism, or their mystic-realism as it has been de-\nscribed, I am intensely interested. I imagine\nNietzsche would be of great interest to me, possibly\nSchopenhauer and others—I intend to look into\nBergson's divine impulse, but to go deep into a\nmass of details, no! I am looking for light, for a\nphilosophy of life, and I might mention James and\nhis Pragmatism as another one to look into.\nAbout the same applies to psychology. Sociol-\nogy I am still doubtful of, but all social questions\nand matters of world-wide importance interest me.\nBut when I turn to literature and the drama, it\nis no longer a matter of doubt. On March 15, as\nI was in my room thinking over these questions\nand had come to the conclusions above, I realized"}, {"page_pdf": 15, "page_imprimee": "13", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.15", "texte": "in a flash that my temperament was more artistic\nthan scientific, the latter coming from my German\nheredity, and undoubtedly being strong, however.\nThe little details of literary work do not bore me.\nOf course, I like the dreams best and lately find\nit great pleasure to sit down and write, write. I\nspend hours collecting scraps of books, authors,\ndrama, and also philosophy and psychology, sociol-\nogy, etc., but principally literature, drama and allied\nbranches. Even the details of grammar do not\nseem tiresome any more, and, compared to my\naversion for algebra, I can see that the worst in\nthe pursuit of literature is a pleasure compared to\nthe best in other things, especially business.\nOf course, I have much to find out yet, but it\nwas a great step to relieve myself of so many doubts\nand make literature my pursuit through thick and\nthin, as I have determined to do, knowing it is my\none line. I am not sure whether I can write best\nshort stories, novels or dramas. Short stories only\nappeal to me as means of expressing myself where\nI have not a big enough idea for something bigger\nand better, but I love to write them just the same.\n(I have only written one of 8,000 or more words,\nbut I have taken numerous notes, written many\narticles of various kinds and recorded incidents and\nanecdotes, which I shall use fully later, and all this\nwith an enthusiasm and pleasure not gauged by\nthought of profit or even publication in all cases.)\nOn the other hand, novels are an unknown\nquantity. I do not know whether I am a good de-\nscriptive writer, whether character drawing is my\nforte, or narration is a strong point with me, al-"}, {"page_pdf": 16, "page_imprimee": "14", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.16", "texte": "though I find I can write along without hesitation\nin writing of occurrences, and I notice the peculiari-\nties and little foibles of my fellow boarders and see\nwhat good material there is here for character\ndrawing, but I do not find it so easy to put this\ndown on paper with that human touch which makes\none like to read some authors, notably Dickens.\nAgain, the drama has always made a powerful\nappeal to me. I always liked a strong drama,\nenjoyed Shakespeare both in reading and acting,\neagerly devoured dramatic criticisms and I have\nthought lately very much about this, and I know\nI should like to write strong dramas of our modern\nlife. However, I shall have to study Ibsen, Strind-\nberg, Brieux, Shaw, and others before I can come\nto any conclusion as to this.\nHowever, a sea of doubts are now behind and\n\\ *\nthe vista before me is bright.\nYesterday, however, while a day of great inter-\nest, was also one of misery, which perhaps accounts\nfor my optimism to-day,—action and reaction being\nvery often equal and opposite with me.\nHavana, Sunday, March 24, 1912. Another be-\nginning to-day and I hope a good one. The un-\nfinished story of the 16th, Saturday, which I failed\nto relate last Sunday, was the burial of the Maine.\nDeciding at the last moment to witness this, I\nboarded the Purisima Concepcion at about 1 o'clock.\nAfter a short time, while looking overboard at the\nstruggling crowds, a lot of rope and tackle came\ndown on me from overhead and took half of the\nday's pleasure away in the shape of my glasses."}, {"page_pdf": 17, "page_imprimee": "15", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.17", "texte": "Thereafter I witnessed all the events with my one\nremaining lense held over one eye and tied to a\nhandkerchief covering the other and tied behind\nmy ear. It was a miserable subterfuge, and to add\nto it all I had a beautiful headache; cold, and the\nfear of glass in my eye—for one lense was smashed\nright over my eye. However, a day's strain was\nall that happened, and when it was all over I voted\nthat the day's pleasure was worth it.\nThe sea was very rough and many people were\nsea-sick, but I enjoyed it very much. About 5\no'clock we were all lined up, the United States\nnaval vessels, North Carolina and Birmingham, the\nMaine in between, and beyond on the side opposite\nus the diminutive Cuban navy. The sea cocks were\nopened and we all looked with intense interest, I\nstraining my one eye with everything forgotten.\nFor twenty minutes the Maine did not seem to be\nfilling very rapidly. At 5 :20, however, the sinking\nwas noticeable; then as we stared she settled deeper\nand deeper, the stern, where the bulkhead was, sink-\ning first; then suddenly she turned, the stern went\nunder, the forward was up in the air at an angle\nof 45 degrees or more; it was a thrilling sight.\nThen with gathering momentum she went down.\nAt 5:27 the waters of the gulf covered the last\nvestiges of one of the great tragedies of history.\nIt was a grand sight; Nature herself seemed in\nmourning; for the day, bright and clear in the fore-\nnoon and early afternoon, had gradually become\ndarker, and she disappeared with the sky overcast\nand a solemn hush over everything. I know this\nwas the way it impressed me, and all my petty"}, {"page_pdf": 18, "page_imprimee": "16", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.18", "texte": "troubles were forgotten in the grand scene before\nme.\nIn an endeavor to discover my feelings of a\nday, from the 10th to the 15th, I kept a short record\nbyway of finding out how much I could count on\nmyself in my struggle, and the result showed me\nthat I lack exercise, am too nervous and over-\nstrung to put forth my best efforts, all of which\nconfirms the wisdom of my decision to return home\nto find myself after a rest.\nSunday, March 10—Fair in morning; depressed\nlater.\nMonday, March 11—Fine until middle of after-\nnoon, then tired and nervously depressed. Night,\ncheerful again; bedtime, terribly nervous, depressed,\nwakeful, worried and despairing.\nTuesday, March 12—Tired from previous night's\ndepths of gloom; calm later, fair night.\nWednesday, March 13—Calm and enthusiastic;\ntired, but not depressed, later restless in bed.\nThursday, March 14—Quiet and calm, exhausted\nfrom previous flurries; later, storm again, very bad,\nand depths of morbid despair.\nFriday, March 15—Ambitious and determined—\nfine all day—restless night.\nThe above pretty well represents my struggle\nfor a long time, but through it all I have had a\nconfidence in the final triumph and a constant re-\nturn to my ideals and ambition, and I am noticing\na gradual elimination of some weaknesses. The\nblue moods I am beginning to check before going"}, {"page_pdf": 19, "page_imprimee": "17", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.19", "texte": "too far, and the ecstasy I am also holding in an en-\ndeavor to preserve a calm, ceaselessly persistent\ndemeanor, neither too hot nor too cold.\nTo-day I hope to be a model one, one of steady\nwork, writing, studying, arranging papers; no time\nfor self-consciousness, worrying or anything else.\nSo far, from 6:25 to 8:25, it has been ideal.\n—, March 24, 1912, 9:53 P. M. After another\ndespicable fall following on a good and bad day, I\nam almost desperate and realize that the fight for\nlife must come to a head soon. I wrote the pre-\nceding from 7:35 to 8:25 this morning. Following\nthat I started in on my scraps and about 11 o'clock\nmy plan for a hard day's work came to naught,\nbecause of a disturbed mind due, as I know, to too\nmuch of one thing. I simply have not the capacity\nto stick to one thing very long, although the\nthings I like are always fresh after diversion. Go-\ning out for a change, some of the boys asked me\nto cross the river for a good walk. I consented,\nand after dinner (almuerzo or breakfast here), we\ntook bum boat to landing near Morro, walked to\nCojimar, across country, along shore and on roads,\nand thence to Regla. The hot sun and dusty roads\ntired me, and to-night, tired and wearied, I fell.\nToo much is killing for me. I must hold off, and\nsimply cannot stand any day too much of anything.\nThere simply has got to be a readjustment or I\nshall go crazy or become desperate. Below all this\nI feel the fight welling up in me, however, and to-\nmorrow must hold forth better promise."}, {"page_pdf": 20, "page_imprimee": "18", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.20", "texte": "Havana, Tuesday, April 9, 1912, 12:30 A. M.\nSomebody has. said, \"War is hell.\" I say, \"Life is\nHell,\" with a capital H. God! but I would not\nhave believed it possible a few years ago that a\nman could go through such prolonged mental agony.\nAm I a degenerate? Is there some insidious form\nof insanity slowly creeping over me? Gautier has\nsaid that nothing is beyond words. I deny this—\nI could be as eloquent as ever man was, have as\nfine a command of language, be as fluent, brilliant\nas the best of the masters; but I could not describe\nthe agony of the past few weeks.\nIt is not alone the nervousness, loneliness, and\nthe old tired feeling; the sudden bursts of enthusi-\nasm, followed by strange periods of peculiar calm-\nness, now peaceful, now raging, now with an un-\nholy joy in I know not what; then black despair\nseemingly without cause, it is more than this. Self-\nconsciousness to an extreme, fight it as I will, and\nyet a deep absorption in anything which really in-\nterests me so that I lose my identity in it. Thus\nmy deep love for the theatre, even moving picture\ndramas, for the strong stories of love, passion and\nmental states of the French writers, little as I have\nread of them. If I could always find something\nto interest me the solution might be at hand, but\nwith the same dreary prospect of day after day of\nhell, hell, hell (the other word for business to an\nartistic temperament), how can I get a night's\nrest? I lie awake and go through all the hot pas-\nsions, wild enthusiasms, ecstatic feelings, morbid\nthoughts, wrath at the existing order of things. I"}, {"page_pdf": 21, "page_imprimee": "19", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.21", "texte": "damn everything, and yet I realize how futile my\nscheme of life would be for others.\nSince I last wrote I had started afresh. I have\nthree times lost control over myself, and but an\nhour ago, the last time. It is terrible. With such\nnoble thoughts that come upon me sometimes, such\nbeautiful ideas when I feel in tune with everything\nin the world, and then always the hellish reaction.\nOh, God! what a sorry mess you have made of\nthings. How could you do it? You have made a\nterrible mistake—to make me such a shattered\nwreck before I was out of my youth; to take from\nme everything, strip me naked so that I can say\nnow that I am absolutely indifferent to everything\nexcept to express myself before I die. That idea\nhas taken possession of me. If only I can write\nsuch a book as will express all these mad imagin-\nings, hopeless longings, the void in my life, com-\nplete absence of feminine companionship, doubly\ntrying to one of my hot passionate moods. Harlots\ndisgust me increasingly. It is not morality, for I\nhave come to the state where things are not moral\nand immoral—they are just so. I would not con-\nsider it immoral to-night, for instance, to have in-\ntercourse with a girl who pleased me, but I cannot\nsacrifice what I have in me on the couch of one\nwho sells her passion. I want love, if I under-\nstand it aright. And yet this is not an ever-con-\nsuming passion. I had just as much, or nearly so\nmuch, longing for education up till lately, and have\nonly dropped the idea of going to college because I\nfeel the approach of dissolution unless I can get up\nnorth, rouse my physical self and mayhap feel for"}, {"page_pdf": 22, "page_imprimee": "20", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.22", "texte": "once physically fit. Lately I have realized that\nthere is something deeper than I before realized in\nall these things. My brain is over-tired, fagged\nout, wearied with too much thought, worry, read-\ning, hate, fear—I know not what—but a change\nmust come soon. It cannot go on. Perhaps there\nis something organically wrong with me—God, if\nyou exist, you should have given me some manly\nvigor commensurate with the mental strength I\nimagine I have, and after all, is my mind weak or\nhas my poor, weak body and abuse merely dragged\nit down, and is it capable of resurrection? It\nseems impossible that I should be born to get so\nnear to some things which touch the deepest strings\nof human conduct, the deepest emotions of heart\nand brain, to have such a keen sense of humor, to\nsee the tragedy underlying it all, to feel a sympa-\nthetic note with the foibles and weaknesses of\nothers, even as I laugh at them or become cynical\nabout them, to walk by the sea and drink in her\nvarying moods, the misty ethereal early mornings,\nthe calmness of gradually settling twilight on a\nday when the waves scarcely ripple, the blood-red\nsunsets with ever-changing cloud effects; the deep,\nmysterious shadows on a dark night, with the moon\nreflected from behind the clouds; the night when\nthe moon is in her glory; the day when an over-\ncast sky symbolizes my overcast soul. These and\nmore have I thrilled with, and all for naught. Give\nme but strength for a few more years and I will\nvindicate myself; but I must break away from this\nagony soon, overpowering, overwhelming—Why, O\nGod?"}, {"page_pdf": 23, "page_imprimee": "21", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.23", "texte": "—, April 19, 1912, 9:10 P. M. It is just ten\ndays since my terrible night of agony, and I now\nhope again. Following that night I had almost a\nweek of peace, a nervous sort of calm which, how-\never, was better than the other. Then another fall,\nand the last one to-night, I really hope the last.\nIt certainly has been my salvation that I always\ncome back strong in the fight again after a blow,\nbut there are several things which have weakened\nme, and it is in spirit only that I recover; the\nphysical weakness remains and increases. Nerves,\nas a strong man mentally I should hesitate to con-\nfess it, but I am worse than the average woman\nin my hysterical nervous state lately, and, more-\nover, I feel very often that there is something\nvitally wrong deeper, either that, or I am consider-\nably run down, so much so, in fact, that a good\nnight's sleep is a Godsend; a calm, quiet day—joy;\nand yet I would not want too many of the latter,\nfor my adventurous spirit defies my body and says,\n\"Be up and doing.\" Now, to-night I am feeling\ncalm and hopeful and I must win out on one thing\nat least. This will help me with others.\nTrue, I have by no means found myself yet. I\nstill am pulled in many directions, but a hopeful\nsign is the abhorrence nearly always with me now\nof the low, common and vulgar. I could overlook\nin myself a little laxness in many things, but I\nnever forgive myself the vulgar act and speech, de-\nspite my lack of moral code at present and my\nartistic indifference, to which is added lately, but\nonly temporarily, I hope, a lethargic indifference,\nborn of that ever-recurring tired feeling."}, {"page_pdf": 24, "page_imprimee": "22", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.24", "texte": "An idea which has gradually been forming in\nmy mind I hope to begin to put into definite form\njust four weeks from to-night, and I then hope to\nhave four clean weeks behind me as a start for my\nyear's abstention from passion. During this time,\nwhile endeavoring to obtain a foothold in the maga-\nzine field with short stories, my big idea is to write\na novel of the various struggles and emotions of\nan ambitious, erratic youth, with a premature\nweariness, and unless pre-empted by another, I shall\nvery probably call this \"A Youth Who Was\nPrematurely Tired,\" suggested by a criticism of\nMademoiselle de Maupin, but this is to be alto-\ngether dififerent, and is to touch the depths of\nagony and despair contrasted with the heights of\necstasy and the fierce, hungry longings, terrible dis-\nappointments, unrelieved passion, loneliness, am-\nbition, morbidity, deep poetic feeling, and the other\nemotions of a sensitive, over-nervous youth of\nartistic temperament and large insight tempered by\nmany paradoxes in character.\nI have found myself enough to see the necessity\nof one course at least, that is, to preserve a dignified\nsilence. The coarse, vulgar familiarity of the fel-\nlows I have met has jarred on me more and more,\nand I see that my only escape in the future is to\nmaintain a reserve and a dignity beyond which no\nman may penetrate. Anything I reveal will be\nby writing, not by speech. I have made consider-\nable progress, but still have to fight a foolish talka-\ntiveness on occasions.\nAnother policy I expect I will follow later, at\nleast, will be the cultivation of courtesy and a more"}, {"page_pdf": 25, "page_imprimee": "23", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.25", "texte": "gentlemanly treatment of others, friends and other-\nwise.\nI only have to overcome one or two little weak-\nnesses, and to recover what I have lost physically\nto be able to win out—and I will.\n—, Sunday, April 21, 1912. After another re-\nlapse last night, I am beginning to think that much\nof my so-called idealism is merely a pitiable, boy-\nish, conceited foolishness. This has often come to\nmy mind, but I hesitated to express it; but if I am\nsincere I must record the other side of the question.\nTo-day may or may not be the beginning of a\nmore sensible outlook as far as my erratic, artistic\ntemperament will permit. In any case this strain,\nself-imposed for the most part, must stop even if\nI have to throw over a few pet theories. I must\nbe human even at the expense of virtue. I almost\ncongratulate myself that I can at least laugh at my\nown foibles and enjoy the joke, just as I cannot\nhelp, cynically to a certain extent, pointing out\nothers' foolish earnestness over nothing. My sense\nof humor is indeed my saving grace.\nHavana, Friday, April 26, 1912. Hope dis-\npelled, but I am making progress. Since my\nawakening the last few months of last year and\nthe first of this year, the reactions have been short\nand sharp for the most part. Probably the worst\none began a little over a week ago and culminated\nyesterday. During this week, while I have not"}, {"page_pdf": 26, "page_imprimee": "24", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.26", "texte": "had more than one very bad night, there was a\nperceptible diminution of my spirit of fight and I\ntemporarily slipped back into the old mood of in-\ndifference. However, I have recovered, stronger I\nhope, from the temporary weakness.\nHavana, Wednesday, May 1, 1912, 4:20 A. M.\nSlowly but surely the net is tightening. The past\nfew months have been such a hell as I hope few\nyoung men in their bare majority have passed\nthrough. Day by day the work at the office be-\ncomes more of a burden, a yoke. Come 11:15 or\ntime for lunch (almuerzo or breakfast here), and\nI feel as if I were leaving prison. Strive as I may\nto concentrate my mind on routine work I look for-\nward to getting away soon after arrival. Break-\nfast and an hour's (more or less) reading revive me\ntemporarily, and I generally manage to get in an\nhour or two hours in the afternoon before the utter\nweariness, brain fag and nervous fatigue, takes\npossession of me, and the previous day's ordeal is\nrepeated. The strain of this and the necessity of\nshowing a semblance of interest in the work (which,\nlately, however, I have not done to any great ex-\ntent), repeated day after day in monotonous regu-\nlarity is only part of the hell, but a part of such\n/\ndeadliness that I doubt if I am able to complete\nmy allotted time of contract, which I had made up\nmy mind to force myself to do for the sake of the\nmoney.\nThis has been another potent cause of general"}, {"page_pdf": 27, "page_imprimee": "25", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.27", "texte": "decline. Having made up my mind to return home\nto work out my future, I began to retrench more\nand more, eliminating amusement for the most\npart—almost the sole one now is moving pictures,\nwhich takes my mind away from myself for two\nor three nights a week. I enjoy them here for one\nreason, i. e., they present long pictures in a number\nof parts which present good dramas of life. These\npictures are French for the most part, and now I\nhardly understand how I ever took any interest or\nreceived pleasure from the prevailing American\npictures, as I always loved drama and continued\nstory, vaudeville never appealing to me. But for\nthis one little thing, present conditions would be\nunbearable, which is why I touch upon it at greater\nlength than the story of these days would seem to\nwarrant. One of the principal pleasures of my life\nhas been the theatre. I always had an abiding and\never-present liking for dramatic action and situa-\ntion, as well as good comedy—burlesque, vaude-\nville, moving pictures, farce, and the like, only had\na limited appeal, although I must say that \"Seven\nDays\" was a farce which I greatly enjoyed. Com-\ning to Havana I had to drop the theatre entirely,—\nnot that I was such an inveterate theatre-goer be-\nfore (owing to financial circumstances)—because of\nlack of understanding and lately lack of energy to\nexert myself to attempt to understand, my hearing\nnot being any too good at best; a greater reason\nwas the absence of good plays and the outrageous\nprices. I ignore entirely the numerous small the-\natres devoted to pandering to the lowest instincts\nof the ignorant black, mulatto and even white."}, {"page_pdf": 28, "page_imprimee": "26", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.28", "texte": "Under these circumstances I turned to the moving\npicture theatre, and by only attending when there\nis at least one longer picture which promises\ndramatic action, I managed to derive considerable\npleasure from this class of entertainment, no doubt\nto a great extent due to the fact that that was the\nonly thing which took me out of myself, so that\nI lived in the play—except my reading. These two\nhave kept me going during these months—when I\ntire of reading or by reason of a peculiar nervous-\nness do not feel like reading, if there is a good\npicture I go, otherwise I make myself read and\nam soon reconciled for the evening. Sometimes a\nwalk by the sea during the evening helps me much.\nEven with this, however, through it all lingers\nthat sense of utter weariness, almost to the point of\nexhaustion. During the day I manage to escape\nthe worst consequences by keeping my mind busy\nwhen absent from the office, and the early evening\nor night generally also is passed without too much\nworry. This leaves the periods of dull care at the\noffice, hoping and waiting for the hour of getting\naway and bedtime and later night. A proof of how\nmuch I have retrogressed physically is, that from\nOctober to December, 1908, during my first few\nmonths in New York, I was able to work from\neight in the morning until six at night, and three\nor four nights a week, with only an hour's break\nfor lunch and . . . Now, working less than seven\nhours a day, the day every week is longer, more\ntiresome. The weakening of my powers has been\ngradual and to a certain extent unnoticeable, but\nit has been steady, inexorable, and now I am face"}, {"page_pdf": 29, "page_imprimee": "27", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.29", "texte": "to face with a condition which means the end of\neverything if continued for too long. During these\nyears in my heart I have protested against it all.\nTaken away from school when I was leading the\nclass, without any great effort either, by circum-\nstances, I began a business career of hope and with\nboundless ambition and half-formed boyish ideals.\nThe fact that I left school of my own accord out-\nwardly does not detract from the fact that circum-\nstances were gradually making it more imperative\nand I only took the bull by the horns, as I have\ndone many times since. I remember with great\nvividness an incident of my early business career,\nwhen with .. . store. I used to keep a credit\nbook of returned goods, and had considerable\ndealings in this way with the girls of the vari-\nous departments. I was then rather indifferent\nto feminine charms, although awakening sexual\npassion was entering into my emotional and mental\nstates, and had been for a year or so. I was then\nfifteen or sixteen (I do not know whether this hap-\npened before or after my birthday). One of the\ngirls, a rather flippant, but as I look back, a\nshrewd observer, came to my window in the office\n(which was on a similar plan to a bank, I having\none window and the cashier another) with some-\nthing or about something returned. I scowled for\nsome reason or other, probably because I had a\npressure of work. She then made an observation,\nthe prophecy of which has been amply demon-\nstrated—\"you are a boy now, but you will never\nbe a youth,\" and something about my jumping into\nmanhood. She was only a department store girl,"}, {"page_pdf": 30, "page_imprimee": "28", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.30", "texte": "but she hit the nail on the head exactly that time,\nas subsequent events have proven. In those days,\nafter my little stories for ... I liked reading and\nprobably looked forward to college at some time in\nthe future in an indefinite way. I was very earnest\nand ambitious about my work, which continued\nmore or less until some time last year, when the\nincreasing tired feeling, nervousness, changing\nideas, ideals and different outlook combined to bring\non rapidly my present state, when I positively\nloathe my daily work. The principal reason for\nthis, no doubt, is that I have neglected exercise\nalmost entirely and now have reached the state\nwhere exhausted nature will not be denied.\nI have already at frequent intervals commented\non the disturbances which haunted my bedside, and\nto-night, or rather to-day and last night (for it is\nnow a quarter of six and the candle before me is\nrapidly losing its efficacy) is only an example of\nthe recurring frequency of my nervousness at bed-\ntime . . . off all temptation to indulge in sexual\npleasures from the first of this year, and, although\nI have not succeeded entirely up to the present,\nhaving only five days of absolute abstention from\nexcitement of any kind sexually and possibly sev-\neral months from direct intercourse, behind me,—\nstill I have radically changed from my excesses of\nthe first few months in Havana, although even these\nwere not excesses compared to the average of a\nvast number here and elsewhere.\nThis holding off naturally leaves out a vital\nsource of relief for the all-compelling necessity of\ngetting away from. myself. Sometimes, from my"}, {"page_pdf": 31, "page_imprimee": "29", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.31", "texte": "twentieth year on, when the prospect of a nervous,\nsleepless night presented itself, sexual intercourse\nbrought the much-needed relief, and sleep followed\nAnd yet, such was the strength of the conventional\natmosphere that I had been reared in and lived in,\ndespite my radical views and supposed freedom of\nmind, I thought it was somehow or other wrong\nand underhand to seek relief in this way. I cussed\nmyself for a weakling, fought, staved it off for\nweeks, and then succumbed again. It is only lately\nthat I have seen a different light on the subject.\nMy views now are that our present system of\nsexual relations is absolutely false. This conclu-\nsion is more due to my own reasoning than to any\nradical literature I have read. First, there should\nbe freedom. Any man should be allowed to have\nintercourse with a woman who was willing, as long\nas they did it for love. There should be no such\nthing as an illegitimate child. If a mother was\nnot in a position to or willing to bring up her\nchild, the State should do it. Of course, when I\nsay there should be freedom, I do not say that, if\none man was living with a woman (legally, of\ncourse, as all such relations would be legal with-\nout any question), I should be at perfect liberty\nto fool around, but if at any time their relations\nbecame such that they could not harmoniously keep\nit up any longer, divorce should be automatic.\nMarriage might be for a minimum period, and as\nmuch longer as the parties concerned cared to keep\nit up. There should be no coercion on either side.\nThe woman should have the care of her children\nif she so desired, but if unable to take care of them,"}, {"page_pdf": 32, "page_imprimee": "30", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.32", "texte": "the State should do so. Even without a socialist\nstate this could partly be put into effect.\nThe White Slave Trade should be abolished as\na trade. If a woman was herself willing to become\nthe tool of every man who came along, she could\nnot perhaps be restrained, but those who profit\nfrom it other than herself should be vigorously\nprosecuted. All diseased should be prohibited from\nsexual intercourse.\nEven under the present state of society, there\nis a solution to one problem. Many young men,\nlike myself, have strong sexual passions, but we\ndo not like to consort with those who, starting\nout with a debased idea of sexual relations, have\ndebauched it. Now we meet girls who are also\npassionate and who, were it not for the knowledge\nthat their life would be ruined, would be only too\nglad to have intercourse with us on the basis of\nmutual sexual attraction and passion. This would\nbring relief to both of us from much of the deadly\nmonotony of sordid, every-day affairs, if the girl\ncould go on just the same as the man, she being\nallowed to have a child legally, which she could\neither take care of herself or delegate to the State's\ncare. This would take care of that large body of\nmen who are not in a position to marry for various\nreasons, and that equally large body of women who\nare unable to find suitable husbands, but who feel\nthe emptiness in their lives, and those women who\nwant children and consider, or would consider if\nsociety would permit, that it is nobody's business\nwho the father is. It should be a crime to have\nintercourse when one is diseased, and the knowl-"}, {"page_pdf": 33, "page_imprimee": "31", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.33", "texte": "edge that one can with impunity have intercourse\nwith a woman for love would deter a large number\nof men from having it with those who only give\nthemselves for money and are liable to transmit\ndisease. This would then leave those men who are\nmorbidly fond of the baser forms of sexual per-\nversion to the professional prostitutes and women\n(few comparatively), who naturally are attracted\nby, or are willing to put up with, the drunkenness\nand attendant beastliness of a certain kind of man,\nwho we may hope, will be a smaller and smaller\nfactor, as radicalism grows.\nThus, now, with radical views, I am endeavor-\ning to attain my old state as before my twentieth\nyear, for a year at least, so as to work this out\nwith other problems, because in my present state\nof physical weakness I cannot afford to risk added\nweakness, and so fight this off every night, and\nhope soon my nature will have become resigned\nto this until my twenty-third birthday, when I hope\nto have a clearer plan of action.\nStarting this with a nervous sleeplessness, I end\nat 6:30 A. M., over two hours later with a clear\nhead, but, of course, the tired feeling lies there\ndormant.\nHavana, Friday, May 10, 1912. Another birth-\nday, my twenty-second, and I intend this year to\nbe the best yet. The past one has been the worst\nand the best; the worst because of my acute nerv-\nousness and self-consciousness and my foolish ac-\ntions during the early months in Havana; best be-\ncause I woke up from a lethargy and blind groping"}, {"page_pdf": 34, "page_imprimee": "32", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.34", "texte": "in the dark to a conscious effort to find myself and\nbe myself; and to this end I have dedicated my\ntwenty-second year. I do not expect to work out\nthings to a fine point during this time, but hope\nto decide on a broad, general scheme of life policy\nof procedure and philosophy; of necessity the major\npart of the details will take years to work out.\nHope and ambition, tempered by my experience,\nare dominant, and my calm periods are becoming\nof longer duration and more frequent occurrence,\nin fact, predominate to a gratifying extent lately as\ncompared with what has gone before.\nI start afresh on a year's freedom from sexual\nexcitement, or such is my plan, for not the least\nof the problems to work out is that of sex. It will\nbe hell to hold myself in check entirely in every\nrespect, but I feel I must, in order to collect my\nthoughts and feelings which were becoming rather\nconfused on this, as on other subjects, owing to my\nchangeable moods, passions and feelings.\nI have the advantage of starting out on the\nbroadest basis possible, the agnostic position as I\nunderstand it. I have not studied Spencer nor\nreduced my agnosticism to any dogmatic position\nof knowable or unknowable, but always it has been:\nI neither believe nor deny; my mind is open; I\nam willing to learn; to give all who have a serious\nmessage a hearing. True, up to the present I have\nnot given much serious study to the problem, hav-\ning read considerably more about philosophy than\nof it, but I have had that tendency, and, being\nyoung yet, it is perhaps best that I did not attempt"}, {"page_pdf": 35, "page_imprimee": "33", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.35", "texte": "to go too deeply into the problem ere this, and\neven now I shall go slow.\nThe question has unconsciously, however, nar-\nrowed itself down. I have given enough thought\nto the matter to reject the Christian theory of\nChrist being the son of God, and, leaving out most\nof the minor religions or philisophies which are\nobviously full of error (except as there may be a\ngrain of truth here and there among the chaff),\nthere is left such religions or philosophies as Theos-\nophy, Monism, Spiritualism, and those which may\nbe classed under the general head of Materialism\n(Rationalism, Free Thought, Positivism, etc., etc.),\nbut as I do not see that any have as their basis\nAbsolute Truth (that much abused word) I suspect\nI shall end where I began, as a Pragmatic Agnostic,\ndenying that we have any Absolute Truth in\nour world, whatever may be beyond which we do\nnot know. I have not read James; but will do\nso; and I think that I shall not give much atten-\ntion to spiritualism, as no satisfactory evidence\nseems to support it, and there is too much char-\nlatanism to offer a fair field for a truth-seeker.\nHavana, Wednesday, May 22, 1912, 12: 12 A. M.\nIt is no use—I have to acknowledge defeat. Born\nwith such a Jekyll-and-Hyde disposition that I\nam never normal, either so filled with ideals that\neverything good and noble seems possible, or so\nblack that I shrink from myself in horror—even\nthough it has been in thought rather than deed\nthat I have transgressed or been an idealist. It is\nnot that I have contemplated deeds of violence, but"}, {"page_pdf": 36, "page_imprimee": "34", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.36", "texte": "one thing, sex, is the cause of the perfect hell my\nlife has been. During the past year I have fool-\nishly thought I could make myself what I willed,\ncould be consistent and normal; vain hope and it\nneeded to-night to show me this. After all my\nnoble aspirations, hopes, love of literature, and the\nbeautiful things in life, I could not keep my resolve\nof my birthday. Torture is the only word for it.\nMy sexual passions, from their first awakening,\nhave given me no rest and never will. I have not\nhad at any time a girl who loved me, have never\neven kissed. With almost uncontrollable passion,\nand yet the ability to be satisfied with embrace and\ntouch rather than final consummation, yet have I\nnot had that chance with any but the lowest who\nfill me with disgust, or else attract me in a mad\npassion which for the moment is insatiable. Much\nof this is due to my wretched physical health,\nwrecked nervous force and absolute lack of any\nkind of love for so long that I am too selfish and\nself-centred ever to amount to anything. Who is\nto blame? My father dead, how can I blame him\nfor his share? My mother is the only hope left in\nthe world. Without her, suicide would seem to\nbe the only alternative, and I have . . . what is\nthis after all but the imagined courage of a weak-\nling, my egoism the conceit of a degenerate? A\nmonth ago I would not have dared to write this,\nbut unless this summer serves to recuperate me,\nI must go down rapidly. Having started sinking\nall round, I dare not go in for anything without a\nsleepless night.\nI only write this record now for what use it"}, {"page_pdf": 37, "page_imprimee": "35", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.37", "texte": "may be as a human document. It may serve as\na warning to those who ignorantly bring children\ninto the world to suffer. I shall be repaid. In\ncase I collapse suddenly it is my express wish that\nsuch of my letters, papers, including this and my\nother diary, as may bear on my struggles against\nan inevitable fate, may be sent to ... so that,\nwithout using my name in such away that the\nfamily may be involved, he may use such parts of\nthis record and the papers as may help to show the\nlife-story of a youth who was prematurely tired, if\nI do not succeed in writing this in fiction form or\notherwise myself before the end. Slowly but surely\nI am coming to the point where nothing matters.\nSomething always pulls me back before I go too\nfar, but will it always? Once let me go beyond a\ncertain point in my dark moods and shame will keep\nme from attempting to get up again. Deep down\nin my heart, however, I have had and still do have\nin my most despairing moment the conviction that\nI have in me the ability to do great things, my\nlove of the finer things, keen appreciation of char-\nacter so that I see right through many people I\nmeet, wherefore much of my continued unpopularity,\ngreat care in small details, love of neatness, order,\nstrong passions, enthusiasm, many other things in\nmy good moods which I cannot quite grasp, but\nmy physical weakness annuls everything and leaves\nme a hopeless weakling, vacillating and desperately\nunhappy.\nHavana, Wednesday, June 5, 1912. Feeling\nvery much chastened, following the deepest disgust"}, {"page_pdf": 38, "page_imprimee": "36", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.38", "texte": "with myself and everyone, and everything else for\nthat matter. I must state most emphatically that\nfor the most part all that has gone before (during\nthe past six months at least) is due to disease; not\nspecific, but generally run-down, nervous, over-\ntired condition of body and mind. Therefore, al-\nthough to-day again I start with hope to fight on,\nI do so with less wild enthusiasm, less tenseness.\nAfter all, the world does not revolve around me. I\nhave sometimes thought it did, or at least acted\nas if I thought so.\nBeing calmer on my determination, the reactions\nI trust will be less violent. I have the feeling that\nI only have to get over this tired, nervous condi-\ntion to be once and for all on the road to victory\nover myself.\nOne thing I will do—throw overboard as it were\nmy preconceived half-formed ideas and start as a\nchild. Too much have I stuck to convention and\nprejudice while congratulating myself on my radi-\ncalism.\nOf course, everything is dependent on my re-\ncovery of health. Without this, life will indeed be\nnot worth living, because the very things my heart\nand mind are set on accomplishing will be impos-\nsible, and a conventional, plodding life devoted to\nthe accumulation of money is impossible for me.\nDeath is much preferable. Art, philosophy, love of\nlife in its nakedness, without false convention, must\nbe my keyword, not for happiness, for that were\nimpossible, but for sufficient interest to carry me\nthrough."}, {"page_pdf": 39, "page_imprimee": "37", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.39", "texte": "Havana, Saturday, June 8, 1912. lam gradually\nbut inevitably coming to the conclusion that the\nonly way to get along is to throwr over all that\nI do believe in and pay the price. If I had done\nthis before I might have been saved much of this\npetty personal struggle and put my divine energy\ninto bigger things. I have let false conventions\nbattle with the natural love of freedom and radical-\nism of an artistic nature, frittered away life forces\nin unholy passions where I might have put it into\nthe big struggle. Now I will conquer or die, vic-\ntory or death. Death even by my own hand is\npreferable to frittering the tremendous passion and\nnervous and mental energy I have away in a life\nof conventional ease, despising myself and hating\nothers, and being hated. Oh! if I had only con-\nserved instead of wasted, but even now at the\neleventh hour it is not too late. Now, to-day, I will\ngo forward to my fate.\nHavana, Wednesday, June 12, 1912. In further\nthought over my decision of last Saturday, or rather\nthat which has been growing on me for a long time,\nI must add that, as I am not any too sure as to\nwhat I don't believe in, time must be a large fac-\ntor in the matter.\nThen again, due to that tired feeling and nerv-\nousness, I have during the past six months put too\nmuch emphasis on the dark side.\nI have never for more than the briefest space\nof time contemplated self-destruction as I have\nhinted at several times. The thought has crossed\nmy mind in my darkest moods, but I am not a"}, {"page_pdf": 40, "page_imprimee": "38", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.40", "texte": "coward and to-day must go a step further and say\nthat I'll fight to the finish against all outside diffi-\nculties, as well as ill health and natural defects of\ntemperament and heredity. From now on any de-\npartures from a certain standard until I have\nchanged that standard by thought and experience,\nI will consider in their proper light of weaknesses\nto be overcome.\nAll of which may be what I have been reiterat-\ning over and over again, but my awakening of to-\nday is a little broader. I leave the standard fairly\nflexible, but strong enough to be a rock in a stormy\nsea until the waters are calmer, and then my mind\nshould be clearer so that I can readjust the various\nuncertainties to a certain point at least.\nLife and a full life rather than mere reason I\nthink will be the outcome, but reason and philoso-\nphy presiding over all as a benignant judge I trust.\nWho knows?\nHavana, Saturday, June 15, 1912. My contract\nis up to-day, and for several days earlier in the\nweek I thought of leaving suddenly and getting\naway from it all for a rest despite any notice to\ntake effect on the 29th. I thought it over, however,\nand from standpoint of unpreparedness, doubt and\nhonor perhaps—did not—or rather will not—as boat\nleaves to-morrow.\nIn thinking over problem of society it has oc-\ncurred to me, or the thought has come to my mind\nof what little use the benefactions of rich men are\nto really help anyone in need in a personal way. I\nremember how I used to have such a passion for"}, {"page_pdf": 41, "page_imprimee": "39", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.41", "texte": "education—I did so want to know. I wrote Car-\nnegie, Patten, Pearsons and E. H. R. Green, not\nbegging for money, but telling of my great desire\nfor an education and putting it in such away that\nI asked the secretary to refer me to any board\nwhich they might have had for helping those de-\nsirous of obtaining an education. My physical\nweakness precluded the idea of working my way\nand studying at the same time. Of course, I re-\nceived no replies, and I then realized that the most\nambitious or deserving might be on their last legs\nand all this charity would count for naught.\nThe personal aspect of the question has long\nbeen forgotten; my ideas as to the value of a col-\nlege education in its relation to the larger educa-\ntion of life have changed; whatever rancor I may\nhave had against these men has gone; my outlook\non life is different; the things that count now are\nfew, are far between.\nIf my health permits, the necessity of making a\nliving will cause me to write for money to a cer-\ntain extent, but with a bare living income I think\nI should write from my heart, because of the great\ndesire, because I look on it as an art, not a busi-\nness. However, if my health continues as it is or\ngets worse, I will not sacrifice what little life I\nhave left on the altar of the modern god—money.\nI shall write in blood the agony that has been eat-\ning into my heart and brain and give it to the\nworld if it will take it for what it is worth. For\nmyself I expect little, but it may help towards a\nbetter understanding of natures like mine, and in\nthe future may help towards a little more forbear-"}, {"page_pdf": 42, "page_imprimee": "40", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.42", "texte": "ance, attempt to understand on the part of good\npeople. But whether or not I will write it.\nBefore doing so, however, I intend to see that\nI do not, out of self-pity, fall into the error out-\nlined in the December, 1911 issue of The Interna-\ntional \"Upton Sinclair's Delusion.\"\nHavana, Tuesday, June 25, 1912, 7:10 P. M.\nIt is getting tiresome, these moral reformations\nand back-slidings. But even now I can lay down\na preliminary philosophy which I must subscribe to\nwhether I will or not .... gives a general line\nof conduct which leads to progress in a wide sense\nand taking account of human nature, its strength\nand weakness.\nLife, of course, comes first. Unless a man is\ngoing to deliberately plan suicide he must live. All\naccount of death from outside sources must be left\nout of account because they are outside of his\nsphere to influence. By living I mean to touch the\ndepths and the heights, each one according to the\nstrength of his passions, his temperament. He\nshould not be an ascetic except under certain con-\nditions, and asceticism as a deliberate plan of life\nis absolutely wrong for a young man—whether for\none who is older time will tell.\nFor instance, if a man is of a strongly passionate\nsex nature he should gratify it sufficiently to save\nhim from tremendous nervous disturbances due to\nholding himself back. All conventional morality\nor standards to the contrary, gratification is not\nonly justifiable, but not to gratify is a crime\nagainst human nature. If a man be of a cool phleg-"}, {"page_pdf": 43, "page_imprimee": "41", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.43", "texte": "matic disposition, a limited asceticism in this as well\nas other things may be good rather than otherwise.\nThe above is limited by conditions and circum-\nstances. Disease, of course, should be rigidly\nguarded against. This is a matter that calls for\naction by the combined societies of the world.\nAssuming that the man of artistic temperament\ntakes these precautions and gratifies his passions,\nhe must restrain himself as soon as his gratification\nbecomes a source of weakness rather than of\nstrength.\nIn other words, as long as gratification of the\nsenses does not weaken one appreciably that grati-\nfication is good and moral and conduces to life,\nbut when it becomes a weakness and threatens the\nphysical and mental strength of a man he must\nrestrain himself. Life comes first, but by life I\nmean life with Power. Thus anything that makes\nfor power and for a full life and healthy gratifica-\ntion of the senses is good.\nThis is my first definite outlining of the philoso-\nphy I have been endeavoring to attain. I have\ncome thus far without reading any philosophy ex-\ncept bare outlines and reviews. Now I shall read\nand study life and build from these grounds. My\nphilosophy is rather more individualistic than so-\ncialistic, but, of course, it is open to a reconcilia-\ntion between Socialism and Anarchism. Conven-\ntional views are left entirely out of consideration.\nIt rests with the individual how far he will be\nguided by precedent and prevailing opinion in a\ngiven situation.\nAs far as I am personally concerned, I have"}, {"page_pdf": 44, "page_imprimee": "42", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.44", "texte": "reached a state where any sexual gratification is a\nweakness and a strict asceticism for a time is a\nmatter of self-preservation. Anything else is a de-\nliberate throwing down of my philosophy and is a\nweakness of the worst type, and I write this after\nhaving constantly violated my decision to hold off,\nmade on my birthday and even before then, and\nwhich has just culminated in this outlining of a\ngeneral course to follow, holding in view the two\n#\nobjects, a full life and a healthy one, power and\nlife. Without power life is death. With means of\ngratification lacking, one must hold off from baser\nforms at least until absolutely necessary, and then\nonly on the most infrequent occasions.\nKeeping these in view, life and power, I have\nsomething to anchor to while I am struggling to-\nwards the light, and I submit this in all seriousness\nas a good workable philosophy for a man who has\nnot found himself and has hitherto been groping\naround blindly in the dark with very little prospect\nof light. Starting with this the years must bring\nmore light, and the conservation of a love of life\nand at the same time of power will keep one in a\nstate to take advantage of any new light on this\nterrible problem of existence, of how to get\nthrough life in the best way, for in the final analy-\nsis that is what all philosophy teaches.\nThus, in the future, gratification may be quite\nconsistent with my philosophy; in my present weak-\nened state I must hold off if lam to survive. Other-\nwise it is a case of deliberate suicide, and the only\nthing to do would be to go ahead and gratify until"}, {"page_pdf": 45, "page_imprimee": "43", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.45", "texte": "disease and weakness made it evident that death\nwould be the only relief. Thus I go ahead for the\npresent.\nmy manifest destiny, that of doing something worth\nwhile in the world, so that the world will be better\nfor my having lived in it.\nSince May 10th, my own birthday, although on\nseveral occasions down to the depths, I have\nstrengthened my purpose and the lapses are becom-\ning less and less, and the increasing disgust after\neach is cementing my determination. One only\nhas occurred since Tuesday last, when I outlined\nmy philosophy, and I\n. . . . Thus, the fight has resolved itself into this,—\nif I can control myself when tired, nervous and de-\npressed, the victory is won. On all other occasions\nI have myself pretty well in hand, and in normal\nmoods, with good health, the outcome seldom seems\ndoubtful, but I must watch the abnormal moods.\nHavana, Tuesday, July 2, 1912, 12:45 A. M.\nI don't know whether it was a premonition which\ncaused me to put morning at the head of my pre-\nvious entry, because now, the same night, or the\nnext morning very early I am obliged to repudiate\nit all. It is no use—my philosophy as outlined"}, {"page_pdf": 46, "page_imprimee": "44", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.46", "texte": "last week would be all right, but for two things, i. e.,\nmy absolute lack of opportunity of touching life,\nand my absolute lack of strength, physical, mental,\nor moral to cultivate power. Determinism is forced\non me against my will. As far as possible in my\ngood moods I suppose I shall follow my first phil-\nosophy of Tuesday, June 25, but, nevertheless, I\nam fast being forced to a thorough determinism\nbecause I simply cannot control myself. What I\nmight have done had I not been forced to become\na victim of our commercial system (so that at\ntwenty-two I am exhausted, my enthusiasm and\nhope almost killed by deadly routine and no pros-\npect of relief), I do not know, but I think I would\nhave accomplished much under careful training or\neven a fair opportunity to express my individuality.\nTo-night everything seems hopeless—whether in-\nsanity is creeping on me Ido not know. I simply\nmust have sexual intercourse to relieve the strain,\nand it is the lack of it which brings on these moods..\nIf for nothing else woman is a necessity for me to\nrelieve the great strain when routine becomes so\ndeadly as to tempt me to throw everything to the\nwinds. If I could come home and have a woman,\nI am sure that I could be saved much if not all this\n—the worst of it at least, but our damnable con-\nventions keep me from them and keep them from\nme even though many women are enduring tortures\nof unrelieved emotion for lack of what I could give\nthem. Oh! life is indeed hell—why, or wherefore,\nI don't know, and I am fast reaching the point\nwhere I care less. In an evil moment I consented\nto stay on here for a few weeks longer for a con-"}, {"page_pdf": 47, "page_imprimee": "45", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.47", "texte": "sideration of my return fare to New York. This\nmeans three more weeks before I can get away from\nthis damnable place which has been getting on my\nnerves more and more so that I never hated any-\nthing as I hate this island and everything and every-\none on it.\nHavana, July 3, 1912. Well, despite my little\noutburst of early yesterday morning, I am still in\nthe fight. After every defeat I arise, chastened, per-\nhaps, but with a growing feeling that I will win.\nI must confirm and add to my philosophy as\noutlined on June 25th. As I wrote yesterday, De-\nterminism seems to be true as things are at present,\nbut even accepting this does not make me any the\nless a fighter, for it is quite consistent with that\nphilosophy that my determinism is to be something,\nand the weak periods are only to strengthen me.\nAs to the Life part of it, that is still a little\ndoubtful. I have not touched it enough, my experi-\nences have not been broad enough with the other\nsex for me to throw over all conventions, for I know\nfrom experience and the experiences of others, that\nwhen a woman plays fast and loose she loses so\nmuch that even conventionalism sometimes seems\npreferable to a loosening of the bonds. My idea\nwas to idealize the relations, have all children legiti-\nmate. While I think my part would be done all\nright, I doubt other men and women. Besides, I\nhave always had an unconscious and sometimes con-\nscious feeling of superiority to women—this has\nbeen so indefinite, however, that I do not lay too\nmuch stress on it at present."}, {"page_pdf": 48, "page_imprimee": "46", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.48", "texte": "I must reiterate Power as the keynote. Every\nweak yielding .... impossibility to me at least of\nwhat I will call \"The Impulsive Philosophy,\" i.\nphilosophy of being guided by emotion and senti-\nment, to the exclusion of reason. Reason must co-\nordinate, if not dominate, and at least impulse must\nnot dominate. This is my second outline, but lam\ngoing to disregard the foolish system of dates,—\ntime is to attain anything. I realize the folly of\nsaying at a certain date I will stop this or that I\nwill reform in this or that. All I can do is to at-\ntempt to live up to a certain standard as fast as\nI have decided it to be best and to endeavor to\ndrop off everything that pulls me down as soon as\npossible.\nHavana, July 20, 1912. Last day in Havana.\nAt last my counting of each day as bringing nearer\nto my goal is about to end. Whether my return\n. ... is productive of results commensurate with\nmy expectations or not, my relief at the suspension\nof the agony of the struggle down here is so deep\nand heartfelt that I could shout for joy.\nI at least have several good weeks behind me,\nand every day in which I make the slightest prog-\nress in any direction whatever is bound to react\nfavorably.\nFor the present I reiterate my outline of philos-\nophy of June 25th and July 3d. I intend to ... .\ncontrol pending a readjustment. At any rate for a\nyear intend to have nothing to do with fast women\n—I do not say anything about intercourse without"}, {"page_pdf": 49, "page_imprimee": "47", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.49", "texte": "monetary consideration, but am unlikely to have\nmuch chance as I will not be looking for it.\nUntil I am settled in relaxation will be the\nrule. With the least worry and the line of least\nresistence for a month or so I should be in a much\nbetter frame of mind to accomplish anything than\nby keeping up this constant nervous strain. Hope\nand confidence mark the last dav, and I count the\nyear as a leaf in my book of experience and look-\ning back, do not regret my year in the tropics.\n—, August 1, 1912.\nhas a cottage for the summer.\nThe month of July was the best one for some-\ntime. I have at last realized the futility of expect-\ning to make great changes in my habits of life in\na day and, therefore, attach less importance to a\ncertain date for this or that as I have done previ-\nously. Suffice [it that] after a month I can look\nback and notice a slight improvement, more self-\ncontrol and a stronger determination. This I find\nis the case now and with the prospect of a month\nof healthy activity and absence of nervous and\nmorbid thoughts the present month should be one\nof the best of the year, and if a quiet determina-\ntion without the passion of heretofore will help me,\nthis seems assured. System will be the keynote\nas far as it does not interfere with the rights of\nothers, for here I cannot be too selfish in my at-\ntempt to reach a certain standard, and besides I"}, {"page_pdf": 50, "page_imprimee": "48", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.50", "texte": "have no intention of becoming a slave to system, as\nI heartily dislike red tape. But I can start prepar-\ning myself for the big fight when I return home next\nmonth by making each day count.\n—, August 12, 1912. Since the first I have been\nthrough an [intense] struggle, the worst yet. Be-\ning greatly disappointed at the unfriendly attitude\nof the family to my ideas, disgusted and tired, day\nby day I became more worried. Heated argument\nresulted in open charges of immorality on their\npart, that is, they considered my views immoral.\nLast night was the culmination of all this—for the\nfirst time I actually threw over all my plans and\nambition and contemplated suicide. Many times\nthe thought had crossed my mind before, but it was\nalways as a possibility in the dim future, but yes-\nterday the thought materialized.\nI carried on a terrific mental struggle in bed and\nthe will to live triumphed. I will fight on, but I\nwill be more and more egotistical. I realize the\nvast gulf between me and the rest of my family.\nIt is insurmountable, and my last hope now centers\non my return to ... . My mother is pliable and I\nmay be able to sufficiently dominate my brother\nand my sister to fight it out there without too\nmuch interruption, which is the bone of my present\nsituation.\n—, Friday, August 23, 1912. Gradually throw-\ning off that almost inborn habit we have of acting\nas a pose for others, I must sometimes act in a\nway which must appear immoral when such is far"}, {"page_pdf": 51, "page_imprimee": "49", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.51", "texte": "from the actual truth. In the endeavor, weak it is\ntrue as yet, to rise above good and evil, the only\ncriterion is sometimes whether such and such an\nact makes for weakness. If it does it transgresses\nagainst nature, and I make the definition that any-\nthing which does not go against nature is neither\ngood nor evil. From this point of view, moral\nissues do not enter into the question to the same\nextent. I am going to put into writing the dis-\ntinction I make between conceit and egoism. Con-\nceit is exemplified by the young man who, shallow\nof heart and brain, dresses in fancy clothes and\nparades around so that the girls can admire him.\nThis is one instance I take to contrast it with. . . .\nWith the desire to express myself, to be an artist,\nto live the fullest life possible, or whatever my pre-\ncise object may be, it is absolutely necessary to be\ndamn independent.\nI have found the family very impatient, and out\nof accord with my views and rejecting their ideals\nof a man—very conventional—I must of necessity\nmake a break, because the petty bickering engend-\nered is bound to dissipate my energy without any-\nthing being accomplished. Having attained more\npositive views later, I may see fit to resume the\nold status, being safeguarded by grim determination\nand absolute sincerity as far as possible, believing\nas I do, that truth is only relative.\nThe conflict is not only between reason and\npassion, but also between naturalism, and if I may\nput it, unnaturalism. That is, I want to act natural\naccording to my nature rather than to set up an\nideal opposed to my nature and endeavor to live"}, {"page_pdf": 52, "page_imprimee": "50", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.52", "texte": "up to it. The only trouble is that I have various\nmoods, and at the time I really believe that each\none is the right one. However, by gradually drop-\nping unnatural habits caused by trying to conform,\nI hope to reach an impregnable position insofar that\nI am willing to lose everything for freedom to\nlive my own life, believing that this seeming self-\nishness makes for the best for myself, family and\nall others, because even though wrong in many\nthings, if my nature is wrong, it is better to be\nwrong and be myself than to be what I honestly\nbelieve to be wrong and please others.\n—, Sunday, September 1, 1912. Beginning a\nnew month, although full of hope as usual at the\nbeginning of anything, I also feel rather humble\nafter my previous egoism. Thus I go from mood\nto mood, but the turning point is at hand. I can-\nnot be tossed around like a bark without rudder\nor sail much longer and with my tendency to ex-\ntremes, feeling that I have much power for good\nor evil in this world, one course I must enter on\nwith the greatest determination.\nHaving willed to live at the moment of despair,\nI must needs live with sincerity and without con-\nforming; a little more forbearance will do me good,\nand certainly the events of the past few weeks have\nbeen a sore trial. I have undoubtedly made a fool\nof myself, but still acknowledging my ideal, feel\ndetermined as ever, if chastened.\nI candidly must say or write that .... ques-\ntions are still open, but I intend to get right down\nto action towards a literary career, meanwhile grad-"}, {"page_pdf": 53, "page_imprimee": "51", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.53", "texte": "ually attaining the thing which I have been strug-\ngling for—not peace of mind exactly, but the feel-\ning that I am doing my best in a sincere manner\nunder the circumstances, namely, that I must go\nthrough life with health impaired to a greater or\nless extent; that I am inclined to extremes, pessi-\nmistic or very cheerful, even childish, by turns;\nthat life appeals to me when I think as terribly in-\nevitable that I have a tendency to degeneracy at\ntimes (which I feel I can overcome to a certain\nextent by heroic measures) ; that the happiness of\na home and children of my own may be denied\nme. With these prospects before me, my fighting\nblood is up and I simply have got to go on and\nup or disintegrate altogether—there is no halfway\nmeasure for me, and I would have it so. I write\nwith absolute sincerity now.\n—, October 2, 1912. Another month rolls on,—\ndespite my having writen that I do not count by\ndates now, I find it convenient to note whether\nor not I have made any progress in this way.\nI have. The same old struggle between passion\nand intellect was continued, at one time intellectual\nand philosophical calmness animating me and then\nlow passion, but the net is surely but slowly (faster\nnow) closing.\nI came home, loafed around the house, read,\ndreamed, did nothing. Then in a burst of energy\npurchased a typewriter, an unabridged dictionary,\nsupplies, taking some S7O from my scanty savings.\nLater I repented of this, why all this preliminary\nto a conventional, routine existence? Why not go"}, {"page_pdf": 54, "page_imprimee": "52", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.54", "texte": "away, gamble, attempt to gain all by a single\nthrow? Why struggle to no end? But deep down\nsomething always says, \"Go on, you have it in you.\"\nWell, I recovered myself again, calling on Nietz-\nsche as my guide, not that I had read his works,\nbut I had read about him and his philosophy of the\nSuperman—will to live because it is painful, and I\nwill take a fierce joy in life. It is hard to drop\nthose passionate dreams born of romance, but I\nknow that happiness is not for me, not the happi-\nness of convention or even sex unconventionallv,\n* '\nbut perhaps a certain amount of intellectual satis-\nfaction and the thrill that comes from reading the\nmaster minds which respond in me, the thrill as I\nfeel willing to make any sacrifice for my ideals,\nreaffirmed by a perusal of several of Ibsen's plays\nwithin the last few days, Schopenhauer's \"Studies\nin Pessimism,\" and a part re-perusal of Haldane\nMacfall's book about Ibsen.\nAs I read Schopenhauer to-day I realized sud-\ndenly that there are more than one variety of Dolls'\nHouses, and it is indeed one that those who go on\nliving in their dreams away from life live in, hoping\nsome day to have happiness or pleasure from the\nrealization of their dreams.\nNo, too long have I postponed facing the situa-\ntion. No longer must I dream. I must act. I\ncannot fail; worldly honor is not success. If I be\ntrue to myself I succeed, the world notwithstanding.\nI have a few more studies to make,—rather I\nmean I am just beginning—before I have a definite\nphilosophy, subject, of course, always to change as\nnew experience or observation serves to confirm or"}, {"page_pdf": 55, "page_imprimee": "53", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.55", "texte": "reject. Schopenhauer, Ibsen, Tolstoy, Nietzsche\nand others must still give me their message in full\nbefore I can glean from them sufficient to test my\nown observations, but in the final analysis my own\nindividuality, by own judgment must be supreme,\nI yield to none. Schopenhauer is right when he\nsays we should not fill up on other men's learning\nbefore we have experience ourselves .... has been\none of my great mistakes and the resulting con-\nfusion has paralyzed me, but now I read but to\nlearn, not to adopt without searching criticism, and\nmeanwhile I may begin working.\nSo long as I keep unsullied by any more very\nbad outbursts, forward I must go and if I am car-\nried off at any time I have not failed, the ideal still\nbeing nursed with that tender passionate regret\nthat Emerson speaks of. A new era is dawning\nfor me. In spite of misunderstanding, seeming self-\nishness on my part, sacrifice of my best nature,\nthe spark still lives. A few more months of renun-\nciation and I have myself in hand and then, what-\never the difficulties, ever onward and upward.\n—, December 30, 1912, 6:30 P. M. A hurried\nwriting previous to departure for Chicago. The\npast three months, ones of disillusionment and\nblasted hopes. Future uncertain, but atmosphere\ncleared for anything that turns up.\nSuddenly deciding last night, Sunday, to leave\nfor Chicago—slept on more or less irregularly, and\nhad trunk packed early this morning (previously\nready for quick departure), tickets, etc., by noon—"}, {"page_pdf": 56, "page_imprimee": "54", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.56", "texte": "theatre this afternoon, and everything nearly ready\nnow.\nTurning point insofar as leaving future to chance\ninstead of carefully planned out course .... for\nmy temperament to settle down to any such dull\nroutine as seems necessary to get on as others have.\nBesides, I have lost a certain grip I had before the\nearly part of this year brought on acute nervous-\nness, and it needs quick action to put me into\ntouch with life. Slow and sure is not my forte,\nbut fast and intermittent, and I have to face it\nwhether I will or not.\nChicago, January 29, 1913. If I wrote that the\npast month was the worst I had ever experienced,\nI would probably repeat myself, as I have had\nsome very bad and frequent worsts, during the\npast year and a half, but nevertheless I never hope\nto feel so utterly despairing this side of eternity.\nI arrived in Chicago on December 31, an hour\nbefore the new year. I was met by my uncle and\nproceeded to his house with him. He is a vege-\ntarian, a raw food one, an ardent and unmerciful\npropagandist; his wife a chronic invalid, cold and\nlifeless.\nThere was really no room for me, and I slept\nin an unheated room, where they kept fruit and\nvegetables. It was cold, too cold to dress in with-\nout great discomfort, but uncle said the air was\ngood for me, and the fruit had to be taken care of\nanyway.\nNow I am generally open to reason and per-\nsuasion, even if I do act on my own impulses and"}, {"page_pdf": 57, "page_imprimee": "55", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.57", "texte": "ideas eventually. But I will not be forced. I have\nfled from one refuge to another in the hope of being\nfree, of being able to be myself, and uncle's in-\nsistence on my not doing this and that, resulted in\nargument, but no open break.\nThe result was that everything seemed to fall\nfrom under my feet, and on January 10th, I made\nup my mind to commit suicide on my twenty-third\nbirthday, May 10th, next.\nOf course, this was not the result entirely, or\neven principally, of my trouble with uncle. That\nwas only important insofar as it added the last\nstraw to my .... misunderstood and, if not per-\nsecuted, at least worried beyond endurance, by my\nrelatives.\nMy reasons, in a few words, for deciding on\nsuicide were:\n(1) Disillusionment. What had sustained me\nthrough the mental and nervous shocks, sleepless\nnights, ecstasies, and despair of the years, since my\nsixteenth (although it began before that) was the\nthought, which I dare not acknowledge to myself,\nmuch less express to others, that I was, if not a\ngenius, at least a talented man, with the ability to\ndo big things. Sometimes business success ap-\npealed to me; at other times, science or philosophy\n—mental and intellectual pre-eminence; then artis-\ntic effort, vaguely the idea of being an author,\ndramatist or literary and social reform leader.\nUp to the day I left Cuba, despite reactions and\npitiful weakness, I kept my faith in myself, in my\nmission. Reading Ibsen only served to confirm it.\nIn .... I still had it. I lost it in .... to a great"}, {"page_pdf": 58, "page_imprimee": "56", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.58", "texte": "extent. After I had purchased a typewriter and\nsat down to work, my courage failed; I could do\nnothing.\nReading Bernard Shaw showed me that much\nthat I had thought to be artistic temperament,\nideals, sentiment, was plain romantic illusion, and\nI did not feel that I was called upon then to sac-\nrifice myself for humanity, without the esthetic\npleasure my illusions had given me. Before this I\nhad unwittingly cloaked my own desires and pas-\nsions under the guise of doing something worth\nwhile, of uplifting and what not.\nCuriously enough, all my ambition, ideas, etc.,\nreturned on further reading of Shaw in Chicago,\nafter I had started going on the assumption of\nsuicide on May 10th. I took them back, with the\nidea that now I was through with romantic illusion\nand prepared to face reality.\nBefore recurring to this, I shall go on to the\nother suicide reasons.\n(2) The continual moving about trying to find a\nresting place, and consequent disgust and quarrels\nwith relatives, and the feeling that I was indeed\nalone and without a home.\nLeaving Cuba in hope I left , swearing they\nwould never hear from me again. I left with\nvery much the same idea, but before leaving, wrote\na very short letter to Nellie, informing her that I\nhad nothing against her and thought as much of\nher as ever. Uncle was the last straw, although\nI could not have the least doubt of his sincere de-\nsire to benefit me, and when I realized this I tried\nto take advantage of his advice and follow it to a"}, {"page_pdf": 59, "page_imprimee": "57", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.59", "texte": "great extent, but his wife chilled me, and she really\ndidn't want me, Of course, she wasn't well, and\nuncle told me that but for that he would have had\nme stay with them, and take a good room in which\nthey had a roomer. Aunt had advised against my\ncoming—she did not want to be bothered.\nHowever, all this only added to my feeling of\nloneliness, of homelessness, and I took a small room,\nafter sundry hints from my aunt.\n(3) Related to the above, was the deeper feel-\ning that I had not place in the world. Forced to\nwork myself into a nervous wreck, when I wanted\nto shine in intellect; laughed at by my acquaint-\nances, for I had no friends, because of my theories,\nimpracticality, temperament; inability to get on\nwith people socially, due to a peculiar inherent shy-\nness, not lost by contact with people in business,\nwhere I had a reputation even for nerve or perhaps\nsometimes impertinence, although I meant no harm.\nI was rather sharp in repartee, and suppose I\nshowed a feeling of superiority, whereas said ac-\nquaintances, openly at least, made me feel inferior,\nunsocial, a crank—always in the wrong. What\nwas the use, I said time and again, of my bril-\nliance, of my love of study, of esthetics, of my care-\nful life, if it was turned on me and made into a\nfault, a crime.\n(4) Fearful of gradual approach of insanity,\nbrought on by above causes, and degenerate stock\non my father's side. I have no proof of this, ex-\ncept fact that my father was small, nervous, and\nvacillating, and I am sure it is only my mother's\nblood that has saved me thus far."}, {"page_pdf": 60, "page_imprimee": "58", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.60", "texte": "(5) The thought that my ideas, etc., instead of\nbeing due to higher qualities, due to this degenerate\ntendency or strain, in short, that I was a degenerate\nweakling, doomed to drift on until insanity or\ndeath ended it all.\nThe above caused my resolution to commit sui-\ncide, taken on January 10th. My hand is tired now,\nbut I have much to write of subsequent days.\nI leave to-morrow morning for San Francisco,\nand shall fill in details to date either on train or\nthere.\nDenver, Colo., February 2, 1913. To continue\nwhere I left off, the sixth reason, the last but not\nthe least, to use a hackneyed term, is:\n(6) Sex. I have previously gone into this at\nsome length, so little remains to be written. To use\na medical term, I presume my affliction may be\ncalled erotomania.\nMy passion, ungratified, except with mercenary\nwomen, has been a terrible thing. If I could have\nhad a little satisfaction, even without actual inter-\ncourse, in my youth, as other fellows have, I might\nhave been spared the suffering, mental and phys-\nical, caused by my random attempts to feed my\ninsatiable hunger.\nNot having anything pleasant to look back upon\nin an emotional way, has probably contributed\nmore than any one thing, to my despair of the\nfuture.\nWhen in desperation, just after my twentieth\nbirthday, I first had intercourse with a prostitute, I\nmade little distinction between moral and immoral"}, {"page_pdf": 61, "page_imprimee": "59", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.61", "texte": "women, that is, some women I felt naturally at-\ntracted to; others repulsed me, and this attraction,\nphysical or mental, I was generally unable to\nfollow up more in practically every case.\nWith one or two exceptions, every prostitute I\nhad intercourse with was a source of bitter disap-\npointment, and constant recriminations by my bit-\nter outraged nature. I worried and worried over\nthese downfalls, as I invariably considered them\nafter.\nThe one or two exceptions, however, left me\nwith no feelings of disgust or disappointment. I\nenjoyed them thoroughly. They were with women\nwho had a strong attraction to me, and I would\nnot have changed them for many a virtuous woman,\nexcept for the experience of being the first.\nAltogether, I have not had intercourse with\nmore than twenty women, and most of them, of\nthe shortest, being generally driven by strong pas-\nsion without a worthy object.\nMany a time have I cursed myself, however,\nfor ever beginning. At about the same time as my\nfirst fall, I first touched liquor.\nI often feel that if I had been told by my\nparents, I might not have taken the first downward\nstep and waited until I could give my emotion a\nhealthy outlet on honorable terms.\nAs it is, I have lost something which is the\ncause of my condition of despair, and it will take\na long, slow process of upbuilding to give me back\nmy enthusiasm and grip on life, but events of to-\nday and yesterday give me hope and encourage-\nment."}, {"page_pdf": 62, "page_imprimee": "60", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.62", "texte": "Denver, Colo., February 5, 1913. To go back\nto my story, after deciding on January 10th to\ncommit suicide on May 10th, my troubles became\nworse instead of better. The will to live rebelled\nagainst this decision, and I endeavored to drown\nthe still small voice, and succeeded in doing so, only\nto have it come up again.\nOnly one reaction in Chicago, however, amounted\nto anything. In my usual impulsive, emotional\nmanner, after reading Shaw's \"Quintessence of\nIbsenism,\" my old feelings about art and literature\nreturned with force augmented by the depth of the\npreceding condition of pessimism and hopelessness.\nFor a week I felt like a genius, went about full of\nesthetic feelings, courage. I exercised twice a day,\nthus conquering an habitual physical laziness,\nwalked with a springy step, inhaling the cold air\nenthusiastically. In short, it was the same old\nstory.\nI fed my esthetic feelings at the art gallery,\nlibrary, and theatre. I attended several perform-\nances at the Fine Arts Theatre of the Irish Play-\ners, and enjoyed their simple, honest humor.\nBy Friday it began to peter out. Depression,\nunaccountable as usual, began to come over me.\nI shook it off, but it could not be gainsaid, and on\nSaturday night, January 25th, I attended a per-\nformance of Strindberg's \"Creditors\" and \"The\nStronger\" at the Chicago Little Theatre, with ill-\nsuppressed feelings of impending disaster, which,\nhowever, I realized, as of old, were temporary and\nunfounded, perhaps, but nevertheless enough to\ngive me hours of hell, hell, hell."}, {"page_pdf": 63, "page_imprimee": "61", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.63", "texte": "The circumstance agreed with my mood, and in\naway awakened my ambition to have my own\nwork performed and read, but the realization after\nof the work, utter lack of appreciation of such work\nof genius by the general English and American\nreading public, and moreover, the ever present dis-\nlike and fear of going back to office work and\nworking on from year to year to no purpose, until\ninsanity or death ended it all,—brought on all past\nforebodings, and I went down to the closed district,\nfound a woman, more, two, and disgusted myself\nwith life to the limit; went home and cursed, raved,\nand what not, until exhaustion brought on fitful,\nwild slumber, and I awoke with a headache, weak,\nrepentant, defiant, and I know not what.\nI might right here give the immediate supple-\nmentary cause of my suicide decision, over and\nabove those enumerated.\nAs long as I was at work I still had hope. In\nHavana I was weaker, felt more poisoned physically\nand mentally than before or since, but the thought\nof artistic success sustained me. I looked forward\nto dropping the intolerable burden on finishing my\nwork there, and going ahead and becoming a writer.\nThis kept me on through it all, when I worked\non sheer nerve and every day was an agony. In\nI still cherished the delusion—I was a genius,\na superman, and would show them all.\nWhen I settled down in and bought a type-\nwriter I started typewriting my shorthand notes,\nput down in Havana, describing my moods, pas-\nsions and various mental conditions, having in"}, {"page_pdf": 64, "page_imprimee": "62", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.64", "texte": "mind writing a book, \"The Youth Who Was Pre-\nmaturely Tired\" .... mental struggles and states.\nOn getting down to it, however, the thought\nthat if I was to do anything it must be done while\nthe money I had saved by scrimping, scraping,\nsacrificing social life, amusement, almost every-\nthing,—lasted, which would not be any too long,\nand then, the old agony of uncongenial hellish work,\n—this thought took away everything.\nThe bottom fell out, and from that time on,\nlast September and October, I have steadily lost\nall confidence and hope in myself, and my grip on\nlife. The thought of going back to work .... the\nmental state of which it had been the product,\nhaunted me unceasingly.\nI dared not face the situation. I quarrelled at\nhome, with reason, however, fled to Arthur's house\nin . The wild idea I had conceived in ... .\nof disappearing, going away secretly and suddenly\nreturned. No matter where I turned there seemed\nno refuge from my own diseased mind. Wild\nanarchical schemes entered my head. Now I under-\nstood why men killed, went insane. Before I had\nexperienced passion, good and bad, honest and dis-\nhonest, clean and sane, and unclean and insane,\npoetic frenzy, glowing emotional enthusiasm, and\nnow new ranges of wildness came to me.\nI cursed myself, my parents, heaven and earth;\nthen the reaction brought sorrow and spasmodic\nattempts at reparation.\nI destroyed my books and objects of fond re-\nmembrance, the next day repented and endeavored"}, {"page_pdf": 65, "page_imprimee": "63", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.65", "texte": "to undo the damage. This began in Havana, con-\ntinued in and became worse in .\nThen in a sudden impulse I decided to go away\nfrom it all, using the excuse of going to California\nwith my aunt, then to Chicago, which I really in-\ntended to do.\nIn Chicago I at first felt like making a new\nstart, but after accepting a position, I had a fore-\nboding I should fall down on it, and I cursed the\nsocial system and employing class for not offering\nme a living salary for just as much work as I\ncould stand, and have leisure for writing, study,\netc.\nDeath seemed preferable to working, and, dread-\ning to go back to what it had represented in Havana\nand New York previous to that, I made the suicide\ndecision. The reasons enumerated all came to me\nnight after night as I lay awake, and I called\nfor death .... it was this dread of work that\nfinally took the ground away from under my feet.\nI felt in my heart that, with a weekly income of\nS2O to $25 I would persist and fight my mental\ndisabilities, finding consolation in reading, study-\ning, especially philosophy and writing. My idea\nwould be not to write with the idea of making\nmoney, but of making literature.\nI got cold feet whenever I thought of the sordid\ncommercialism of present American authorship.\nMy ideas and ideals, delusions, illusions, call them\nwhat you will, were too strong to face the facts.\nI had wild ideas of laying my case before some\nrich man, or at least some institution endowed by\none, seeing if they, out of pity, sympathy, or some"}, {"page_pdf": 66, "page_imprimee": "64", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.66", "texte": "other feeling, could be induced to allow me an in-\ncome of S2O to $25 per week, and not require of\nme definite results.\nI thought of going to sociologists, insanity ex-\nperts, those whom we read so much about in the\npapers, who are always talking of reform, eugenics,\nsocial service; but the realization that these glit-\ntering generalities meant nothing to one poor, weak,\ndegenerate individual like me, deterred me.\nTwo other reasons kept me back, the first self-\nrespect; for despite my weaknesses and downfalls,\nI still had an inordinate pride, and repulsed pity,\nsympathy, and felt how humiliating it would be\nto depend on some one else like that even were\nsuch a wild idea possible.\nWild idea, indeed. I remember the letters I\nwrote in the heyday of my ambition and enthusiasm,\nto Carnegie, Patten, E. H. R. Green, and several\nothers, asking for a hearing before some board to\nfurther education—and the fact of hearing nothing.\nTime and again I had bitterly reflected what\ngood is all this charity, social work. It is all gen-\neral, where does my personal case come in, who\nis there to give me a little human consideration,\na helping hand, encouragement, sociability, love?\nReformers, women reformers and social workers\nspend their efforts in closing up districts, scatter-\ning prostitutes, making it difficult to gamble and\ngenerally taking away the means for such as me to\nforget our troubles now and again, but not a hand\nis lifted to save me from insanity or death by my\nown hand.\nOutside of this feeling of death being preferable"}, {"page_pdf": 67, "page_imprimee": "65", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.67", "texte": "to the humiliation and shuddering at the shocks to\nmy sensitive nature which would be engendered by\nmaking public this record, there was the additional\nfeeling that instead of freedom from the bondage\nof poverty resulting from such an appeal, confine-\nment would be the result.\nI dread this about as much as going back to\nwork, because the sanctity, jealous regard and fear\nabout my personality, my individuality is such that\nif I thought that the result of an appeal would be\nconfinement, I would welcome death as a gift from\nheaven.\nI am an agnostic, and, philosophically at least,\nan anarchist. I want to be free, to glory in liberty;\nto have no boss, to be able to develop my intellect.\nTo do this I am willing to pay the price of keep-\ning within the law, to refrain from indulging sex-\nually more than seems absolutely necessary, but I\ncannot look forward to being fed and given a place\nto rest in, and otherwise allowed to develop in my\nown way, but not being allowed freedom of action\nand residence.\nI am not insane now, but any attempt at coercion\nor confinement would drive me violently insane. I\nshould beat at the doors of my cell, curse every-\nthing and die raving, and it is the fear of confine-\nment that keeps me from submitting this to those\nwho could probably save me if they would.\nBefore the day when my last dollar is gone\ncomes I may in desperation [decide] to risk this, in\nthe hope of being allowed to live in my own way\nrather than commit suicide, but I don't know."}, {"page_pdf": 68, "page_imprimee": "66", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.68", "texte": "Denver, Colo., February 6, 1913. After that fall\nin Chicago, after Strindberg, Saturday, January\n25th, hope left me until the 30th. Leaving that\nday for 'Frisco a certain old time grim resolution\nto make another big effort took possession of me,\nbut to no purpose as usual.\nAt noon of the 31st, I changed trains at La\nJunta for a side trip to Denver. While on the way\nto Denver I became acquainted with the man who\nput me back in fighting mood for several days.\nOur conversation started when he asked permission\nto sit beside me, which was unnecessary, but polite.\nHe casually asked if I was going to stay in Denver.\nI said no, that I was merely on a visit. I asked\nto be referred to a hotel. He told me of the\nkept by his brother.\nWe talked along, and he painted Colorado in\nglowing colors—said he had left New York twenty-\ntwo years ago, and with the exception of one year\nin Texas, had lived in Denver ever since. To his\nmind there was no place like it. He told me busi-\nness was quiet, but that I could undoubtedly get\nsomething within a short time. He invited me to\ncall at his house on Sunday.\nWe arrived Friday night, the 31st, and he\npointed out the hotel from the station, and hurried\noff. Saturday, I took sight-seeing car through city,\nand Sunday foothills trip. The air was fine, as\nhe had enthusiastically said, and the bright appear-\nance of things, despite a snowstorm on Saturday,\nargued well for this as a healthy, bright, beautiful\ncity and all he said it was.\nI called on him Sunday, and found he had a"}, {"page_pdf": 69, "page_imprimee": "67", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.69", "texte": "beautiful house, a pleasant wife and two fine chil-\ndren. The little girl of three took to me right away,\nwhich surprised them but not me, as children do\ntake to me. The boy of thirteen was also very\nenthusiastic, bright and friendly, and after supper\nwe three grown-ups had a pleasant talk on various\nsubjects. I left with a delightful feeling of having\nhad a glimpse of a nice home, which brought back\nall my thoughts of times past of a home, with a\nlovely wife and children on my knee, dreams which\nin my bad periods I had rejected as hopeless for\nme, thus taking away a great spur to work and\nambition.\nImpulsively the next day I put in my ticket for\nrefund, being willing in my enthusiasm to lose sll\nor so for baggage, which had gone on to Frisco,\nto say nothing of freight charges of over $7, includ-\ning boxing, for return to Denver. Thus I expect to\npull out $lO of my $49.75 for ticket from Chicago,\nfare to Denver being $22.60, tourist. I give these\nfigures to show how great was my ecstasy on Mon-\nday morning, February 3d, perhaps the last time I\nshall feel so optimistic and in love with everything,\ngreat enough to make me, without work and less\nthan SIOO in cash, drop $lB carelessly and without\nworry—me, who had skimped and scraped ever\nsince started working, although only to lose reck-\nlessly on impulses.\nThen I went after work in the same spirit;\ncalled on the Chamber of Commerce, was referred\nto two reliable employment agencies, went to the\ntypewriter companies, and visited one prospective\nemployer. On Tuesday I visited three, and could"}, {"page_pdf": 70, "page_imprimee": "68", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.70", "texte": "probably have landed one, but my old bugaboo, the\nreaction, had begun to set in, and at 5 o'clock\nTuesday, after lying down in my room at the hotel\nI got up, hurriedly dressed, rushed to the railroad\nticket office, and asked to have my baggage stopped.\nMy ticket had gone in for refund, and the freight\nagent promised to telegraph immediately to hold\nbaggage if not already sent. Yesterday I found it\nhad been sent, and now await returns on that and\nmy ticket.\nWhen I got these I thought of going on to\nFrisco and ending it all there. Last night I wrote\na despairing letter home, offering to return if they\nwould send me SSO, but did not mail it, and this\nmorning tore it up, merely writing saying I would\nbe here until the latter part of this month in case\nthe family had any proposition to make to me or\nmoney to send.\nIf they ask me to return and send some money,\nI probably will. Otherwise I shall probably go to\nFrisco with a week or two week's expenses in my\npocket after paying fare, and finishing this story.\nI say probably in both cases because I now realize\nmy hopeless lack of will-power, my whole life prac-\ntically being impulse with a delusive current of pur-\npose running through it.\n—, February 6, 1913, 10: 37 P. M. This morning\nI cast out hope. To-night I feel that beneath all\nmy degeneracy and weakness, I am a genius and I\nfeel that I cannot die without leaving something\nbehind. No, I will fight. It is harder for my yield-\ning, but I cannot give up without a struggle. Some-"}, {"page_pdf": 71, "page_imprimee": "69", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.71", "texte": "where and at some time I must prove that I am\nsomething besides a weakling. Good and evil pre-\ndominate by turns, love and hate, weakness and\nstrength. Reconciliation is the solution. I have\njust read an article in The International for Novem-\nber, 1911—\" J. William Lloyd, Philosopher of the\nParadox,\" and it gives me new faith in myself.\nDenver, Colo., February 8, 1913. Yesterday was\na good day. I went to bed feeling the same way\nas when I wrote the above, and even felt I had made\na discovery, or rather discovered or realized an old\ntruth in its application to my case, namely, mod-\neration.\nInstead of going to the extreme in one direction\nas I have done, I said go as far as the conditions\npermit, but cease before the pleasure does.\nApplying this to intellect it would mean study\nphilosophy, but don't overwork it—dream with the\npoets, but not too much. In this plan, Strindberg,\nShaw, Ibsen, and others all have their place.\nWomen, well the same here—quit before becom-\ning weary, and a mental reservation to endeavor to\nhold off more and more, but not to take it to heart\nif not able to. This is a natural weakness, and is\ngood if not too much. Can I do it? That is the\nquestion. If I can tide over that terrible reaction\nthat comes several times a week, and sometimes\nnight after night, I think I can endure life, or hell,\nas I am coming to regard it.\nReversing the conventional view I might say,\n\"Life is hell, and we have nothing to look forward\nto which is worse, therefore if there is any future"}, {"page_pdf": 72, "page_imprimee": "70", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.72", "texte": "life, it must be better.\" Whether this is logical or\nnot, I don't know, but it looks good to me, even if\nnot altogether original.\nI have been reading Strindberg at the Denver\nLibrary the last few days. I have read \"Countess\nJulia, the Dream Play, the Link and the Dance of\nDeath.\"\nI enjoyed them, which is a matter of course, as\nI always understand and enjoy deeply the work of\ngenius, especially so-called degenerate genius.\nLast night some time or other I dropped hope,\nonly to pick her up again, for she must be a woman\n—she tantalizes me so much.\nDenver, Colo., Monday, February 10, 1913. Yes-\nterday as the day wore on, gloom prevailed, increas-\ning until last night, but I clenched my fists and\ngrit my teeth this morning, and will go on.\nThree months to a day to my birthday, I notice,\nwho am always looking for auspicious dates for a\nnew start.\nThe principal issue is clear, I must crucify my\nperverted hereditary sexual appetites. Absolute\ncontinence except under favorable conditions. As\nthese conditions are unlikely to occur, as I am not\ngoing looking for them, namely, that a woman yield\nfrom pure love or passion, and the only other alterna-\ntive is marriage, I have a big fight on, but as the\nissue is life with honor, or death, with or without\nhonor, I feel that I shall make this stand at last,\nafter which the fight will be easier, if without the\nprospect of happiness, for, after all, I must not\nexpect happiness; I must learn to live without it,"}, {"page_pdf": 73, "page_imprimee": "71", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.73", "texte": "to make my life represented by my work, and finally\nI may attain a degree of peace and rest, if not of\nhappiness. Yes, crucify, the devil.\nNew York, Sunday, February 23, 1913. Arrived\nhere last Tuesday night, the 18th. Thursday on\nbad attack of grippe. Misery, of course, induced\nexceeding pessimism, but .... although physically\nmiserable, my mental condition is hopeful.\nShall endeavor to remain in New York. De-\npends on whether I get well quick and get work\nquick, as I have just $24 in cash left from the S4OO\nI saved in Havana, with $lO from railway refund\ncoming sometime. If health and work come out,\nthen it is only a matter of being able to keep it up.\nIf not pride humbled, back to Apropos\nof this, I am not so sure but that I made a bigger\nfool of myself than others whom I consigned to\nthat class.\nHave been with old. friend , first time in\nfive years, with exception of one brief day. He\nhas changed considerably. Now is all for experi-\nence and practicality—theories merely a sideline,\nand, of course, for both of us to live it must be so.\nNew York, February 28, 1913. I leave to-\nmorrow for , my last trip. On the eve of a\nnew month I feel indifferent. Hopelessness took\npossession of me several days ago, and I pretty\nwell decided to end it all as planned.\nHowever, as my money is gone I must work if\nI am to live even until May 10th, and, of course,\nif I work again for ever so short a time in view,"}, {"page_pdf": 74, "page_imprimee": "72", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.74", "texte": "I cannot say how long I may keep it up, so I say\nnothing.\nI make no grand resolutions for beginning [of\nmonth], but the usual sexual one, having fallen\nagain. Even if I must die because of my weakness\nphysically I would like a\n—, Sunday, March 23, 1913. I had not intended\nwriting in my diary to-day, but at the end of the\nmonth. This evening, alone in the house, every-\nthing quiet, the fire gently singing, even the cat\nasleep. I was reading in the kitchen Dickens'\n\"Great Expectations.\" I just heard a sound and\nfind my brother Percy asleep on the sofa in the\nnext room. A feeling of peace came over me as I\nlaid down my book that I was prompted to write in\nmy diary, for moments of peace have been so in-\nfrequent of late that it was a remarkable contrast\nto my wild vagaries and desperately suppressed\nemotions.\nFor I am working again. I arrived here night\nof Saturday, March Ist, and on Tuesday the 4th,\ncommenced work with at the fine salary of\n$55 a month, with prospects. They offered $5O; I\nsuggested it and we compromised on $55. Of\ncourse, there have been openings in my line at\nhigher salaries, but I took the first thing and will\nnot change, as it seems good as business goes, unless\nthe prospects do not materialize.\nThough I hated to acknowledge it to myself, I\nneeded to get back to work more than anything else"}, {"page_pdf": 75, "page_imprimee": "73", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.75", "texte": "to save me. I had my opportunity, or rather I\nsaved up S4OO by sacrifices in Havana, and then sat\ndown and did nothing until half was gone, after-\nwards wasting the rest in a wild goose chase after\nmy destiny.\nHowever, I entered into my work with a spirit\nof hopeful resignation. Being inevitable, and for\nthe first time in my work, acknowledging it, I will\nnot say I attend to it more conscientiously, but I\ngrip myself when a wave of the old dissatisfaction\npasses over me and work, work.\nAt night I sleep, but at intervals during day and\nevening, and in the morning I find it a great effort\nnot to fly off the handle in protest of it all, but\nkeep on just the same.\nI have had several passionate weak outbursts\nduring the month, several times I have made a\nfool of myself by venting my temper on those\naround me, but generally I hold myself in better\nand am more conscious of having command of\nmyself.\nAs for my ideas and ambition. It is still alive.\nThe will to live is stronger than any misery as a\nforce for life as against death. Taking this as a\nmere basis, I must of necessity have some larger\nview than the mere cramping effect of a clerkship.\nI work, because I must and under protest, but\nI try to do my best, and I work honestly and I\nearn my salary and more, as much as I can under\nthe circumstances.\nI am just getting settled and am getting my\nbooks together. lam now going in for drama and\nI still have a soft spot in my heart for philosophy,"}, {"page_pdf": 76, "page_imprimee": "74", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.76", "texte": "although I am still at the beginning of Kant's\nCritique. I read a little of it to-day.\nI still feel the call of a larger mission, but I\nfeel more like going about it in a practical, busi-\nness-like way, because I realize I must. I acknowl-\nedge that. Experience has had to push facts down\nmy throat before I would face them with the aid of\nBernard Shaw.\nI feel more sincere now. A tendency I have\nnoted to theatricalism I will sternly suppress. I\nsometimes act cruelly after a mental struggle and\nI just hold myself by calling on Neitzsche and the\nphilosophy of the superman, and then woe betide\nthe one who crosses me.\nWhile I will not force it, and avoid self-pity, I\ncannot help feeling at bottom the tragedy of life\nto me. It is such an effort to live, there is so\nlittle to look back on, no youth, no sweetheart, no\nlove except that of the children, and the mistaken\nlove of a weak mother. The short peace to-night\nstands out but as soon as I became conscious of\nit I said to myself that I must cultivate that frame\nof mind to do the best work and find out the truth\nquickest.\n—, Sunday, June 1, 1913. This morning, the\nbeginning of week and month, and the first real\nspring Sunday of the season, I once more start on\na process of rehabilitation. For three years I have\nbeen fighting my sexual passions. Previous to May\n21, 1910, as I note from that date in my diary, I\nwas clean absolutely, as I have said before. Three\nyears of the fiercest action and reaction. Despair"}, {"page_pdf": 77, "page_imprimee": "75", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.77", "texte": "to the verge of suicide, exultation to such heights\nof ecstasy that Heaven opened its gates almost.\nAnd in between indifference, or simply dull care,\ndaily monotonous, hopeless toil, restless, tired\nnights.\nI lived over the date set for my suicide, May\n10th, this year. Every month I determined to start\nin anew, practically every month for these three\nyears. At the first of the years 1911, 1912 and\n1913, at birthdays May 10, 1911, 1912 and 1913,\nLeap-year, February 29, 1912, and after every de-\nspair I started in anew with the determination to\nnot only conquer that weakness, but to restrain\nmyself in speech and act sufficiently .... ahead\nand accomplish something.\nFailure has been the result every time. I ask\nmyself why, and the answers are many and various,\naccording to the last disappointment.\nIn a large measure it has been due to that\nemptiness of my life, to the lack of affection and\na definite ambition, and to my not being more posi-\ntive instead of attempting to be merely negatively\nvirtuous or self-controlled (as I don't like the word\nvirtuous), combined with nervousness, strong pas-\nsions and emotional qualities with no proper outlet\nfor them when they became so put up as to threaten\nto overflow.\nTo-day I begin on a new ground, that of being\npositive and rigidly self-controlled until I feel I\ncan relax with impunity. I have tried relaxing be-\nfore after a week, two weeks, but one relaxation\nin word or act has been followed by others until\nthe circle has been completed by a blind unreason-"}, {"page_pdf": 78, "page_imprimee": "76", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.78", "texte": "ing yield to the sexual impulse under conditions\nof mental chaos and physical exhaustion, and then\nnew resolutions and reaction set in.\nI would go far to state that it is different now,\nbut so repeatedly and in such a series of shocks\nhas the lesson been driven home, that I have sim-\nply in desperation put suicide on one side and re-\nstraint on the other, and, realizing that it is im-\npossible to go on as I have been doing, I have,\nwith all the remaining strength, passion, love, honor,\nor whataver is left in me, ambition and enthusiasm,\nand the like, determined once and for all and for\none year at least to be absolutely ascetic as the\nfirst step. To restrain myself all around is, of\ncourse, the next, and I will succeed fairly well.\nThe big questions of sex I leave open. I must\nget an impersonal view away from the conflict first.\nPhilosophy I also leave open, tentatively adopt-\ning the simple formula from that of the superman,\nthe will to live because life is painful and the\nwill to power, endeavoring to thrust out everything\nthat makes for weakness.\nFriday, June 13, 1913. Just writing to-day be-\ncause it happens to be Friday the 13th—13th more\nbecause I have nothing but contempt for the silly\nsuperstition.\nHave maintained my resolution as far as sex\nis concerned easily enough to date, but otherwise\nI am not satisfied with self-control attained, that\nis, in speech and temper, but time will tell. I'll\npull through a full year on the one thing in any\ncase, and I am still fighting for all around control,"}, {"page_pdf": 79, "page_imprimee": "77", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.79", "texte": "and a settled scheme of work towards becoming a\nsuccessful playwright.\nSaturday, July 26, 1913. Nearly two months\npassed since June Ist, and I have failed to keep my\ngood resolutions and also to commit suicide after\nseveral failures. It seems a silly business all\naround, these writings included, but I must keep\non for awhile in this strain.\nThe only thing is to try again. I only realize\nthe more keenly the utter hopelessness of the\neasiest way. Self-control, and the thought as I\nlook ahead of giving up things is harder, but the\nother is impossible. I hesitate to express myself\nso confidently as to my ability to be a superman\nand a genius, but I can still fight on for a time at\nleast. The end is not yet. What it will be I don't\nknow. The depths have been deep and the heights\nmight have been higher, but there is a fair middle\ncourse possible and I'll try to do my best.\nAt twenty-three I have to go back to the self-\nconsciousness of youth before I can cast it all off\nand face life as it is. I often realize the apparent\npriggishness and silliness of this diary, but I at\nleast try to be sincere sometimes, and after the\nshocks of the realization of life I may write as a\nman. Things cannot go on as they have been do-\ning. Circumstances will force me to sink or swim,\neither to rise from this slough and weakness or\ncollapse utterly, and this knowledge will help me.\nI may be silent for a long time now, because I\nam about to cast off my romantic youth and be a\nman, and the break will appear more isudden than"}, {"page_pdf": 80, "page_imprimee": "78", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.80", "texte": "it is. Up to now this diary does not show the vast\nprogress towards disillusioned manhood I have\ntaken. In reality they are so big that I have at\ntimes bridged the gulf and said, \"All is illusion.\"\nI have felt the utter pettiness of this struggle and\nseen things from the impersonal and even tran-\nscendental viewpoint. The difficulty is, after mak-\ning the jump, to come back to where I left off and\ntake up the daily struggle. It is hard after realiz-\ning that finally one will say, \"All is illusion, whether\nit be worldly success—money and honor, or artistic\nsuccess and the personal satisfaction of work well\ndone.\" However, I must come back in order to\nlive at all, and if I find it too much and after re-\npeated attempts some day give it up as hopeless,\nthen it will be necessary to take the jump at once\nfrom youth to death and leave out what comes in\nbetween.\nNew York, September 27, 1913. .Suicide again\npresenting itself as the only way out, I was\nprompted to read over my diaries. As a result my\nsense of humor caused me to destroy the first one,\ndating from 1905, my fifteenth year. Full of\nchildish struggles and events, at least until my\neighteenth year, I could not let it live after my\ndeath. After my eighteenth year in New York, I\nbegan to face reality, but yet I could not allow\neven that part of the record to survive.\nTrue, from my fifteenth year I have been in a\nbad way, but until several years ago a solution\nseemed bound to come. Suicide never entered my\nthoughts in those days."}, {"page_pdf": 81, "page_imprimee": "79", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.81", "texte": "Sex worried me, however, from fourteenth or\nfifteenth year. Mentally, only until my twentieth,\nbut thinking without acting didn't strengthen me.\nHowever as this is a sort of last testament I must\nnot waste time on those days. I hardly know how\nto begin and what to say, but something seems\nnecessary.\nI could not write the greater part of this even\nnow, because I have realized since that it is alto-\ngether foreign to the spirit prevailing among the\nAnglo-Saxon, so-called, at least, and I myself am\nsufficiently contaminated with their spirit to feel\ncynical about it.\nIf these writings do come to print I can imagine\ncynical and damn foolish newspapermen writing\nabout weaklings and degenerates in line with silly\neditorial in New York Times recently about suicide\nand another in the World on occasion of suicide of\na girl who was tired of 20 cent dinners, to say\nv\nnothing about those arch idiots and hypocrites, the\nHearst hirelings with their talks about the idle rich\nand the good thing it is most of us have to work\nfor little.\nOf course, I do not compare myself to the aver-\nage man. If I had no sense of hurnor I would\nhave persisted and made myself a genius in spite\nof the hell life has been. Nietzsche could never\nhave been if he was born in England or the States.\nBut I only feel at home when I read men of\ngenius. Always without a friend, the average man\nis a stranger to me. Women have killed me, be-\ncause with all my temperament and passion I have"}, {"page_pdf": 82, "page_imprimee": "80", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.82", "texte": "been too shy to ever have any love or outlet to\nmy passion.\nIt is hard to say that if things had been different\nthat such and such would be the case. Sometimes\nI have thought absolutely sincerely that if I had\nhad enough money to be able to dispense with the\ndaily grind, which, with its necessity of strong ex-\ncitement as a reaction, has so impaired my will-\npower as to bring me from supreme egoism of\nimagining and believing myself to be a genius to a\nmiserable death alone and away from home by my\nown hand.\nAt other times I have said that if I question my-\nself honestly that with money I would have simply\ndegenerated into a good for nothing vicious idler\nof the Thaw class.\nNow, when about to die, I will be honest and\nsay that the latter would have probably been the\noutcome, but it is by no means certain. After all\nI have been outraged and disgusted in the past\nafter every fall from a certain standard and my\nlove of books does die while I live. Who knows\nbut that I might have got down to study and work\nand done something? Undoubtedly, I would have\nhad affairs with women (had time and money per-\nmitted) under any circumstances, but drink and\ndrug has never appealed to me, even in imagination.\nI have been honest and sincere, particularly to\nthe fine point on matters of honor, at least until I\nbegan to lose my grip on life. While I never got\ndown and faced things, it was because I was in-\ncurably romantic, and when I finally began to real-\nize life it came to me in such a series of shocks"}, {"page_pdf": 83, "page_imprimee": "81", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.83", "texte": "that independence would have probably made me\na Baudelaire, without his creative work to balance\nthe scale. With such an impractical, childish\nmother and failure of a father, uncongenial brothers\nand sisters, almost hating each other, with bad\nheredity on both sides and a hellish environment,\na shy nervous, suspicious disposition, extremes of\necstasy and despair, ungratified passions, alone and\nfriendless, how could I end otherwise than a\nsuicide?\nI claim that any man who commits suicide of\nnecessity suffers more than any who continues to\nlive. I don't want to die. I cannot make any out-\nsider realize by anything I can write how I have\ntried to avoid this step. I have tried every sub-\nterfuge to fool myself, to kid myself along that life\nwasn't so bad after all. This record does not show\nup my humorous side, but I laugh as much as I\nfeel like crying. I enjoy a comedy as well as a\ntragedy, am tickled by the very things that amuse\nthe average American, and at a baseball game I\nactually feel like one of the boys, but where I differ\nis in my tragic and morbid side, and my keen\nsensitiveness.\nThings which pass over most men afflict me\nwith terrible force. My pride has stood in the way\nof my hope of success under conditions which exist\nin this country at present. I cannot indefinitely\npretend as I apply for work that I am just like the\nrest. I cannot always conceal the resentment and\nscorn I feel as I interview business men and stand\nor sit before them as a mere stenographer. I, a\nfellow in spirit with men of genius, must show my"}, {"page_pdf": 84, "page_imprimee": "82", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.84", "texte": "references, call and beg and implore, for a miser-\nable salary which I despise, must haggle for a few\ndollars more, the price of a meal.\nThe indignity of it all. I, an aristocrat at heart,\nof the arsitocracy of brains and sentiment, must\nelbow with the ignorant vulgar bourgeois who\ncould not for an instant understand if they would.\nWhat is the use? Death only holds forth relief.\nI cannot look back on a really happy day. Light-\nhearted and merry have I been on occasions, but\nseldom a day without morbid thoughts sometime\nor other, generally at night. If I could have had a\nmistress things might have been different. When\nI have gone out and had sexual intercourse with\na woman who pleased my imagination I have slept\nwell—seldom otherwise.\nSex has been my Nemesis, and to-day if I had\nmoney I would continue to live. Without it, the\nwhole dreary past and prospective future is too\nmuch for me. With it I could dispense with the\ngrind and do work after my own heart.\nOf course, others have the grind, also; but the\nfact that they continue to live shows that they can\nstand it much better, and were born to it. I wasn't.\nMy whole nature is outraged by the life I have had\nto lead. Empty, cold, dismal, hellish.\nLet the cynical hirelings of the newspaper whom\nBernard Shaw well shows his contempt for, laugh\nand write editorials. The day will come when men\nwill be allowed to live, not rot, the New York\nTimes notwithstanding."}, {"page_pdf": 85, "page_imprimee": "83", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.85", "texte": "If a thousand men could be persuaded to com-\nmit suicide in protest, the powers that be would\nsit up and take notice.\nArise you Americans who have some blood in\nyou and get rid of your Comstocks, Bryans, re-\nligious hypocrites and grafters, and let the so-called\ndegenerates and insane men have a say, and if you\ndo not live bigger and better, then you deserve\nwhat you get.\nThe majority is always wrong, and the minority\nof supermen and degenerates—Zolas, Ibsens, etc.—\nmust band together and overthrow the whole damn\nsystem which drives the best, the most sincere and\nhonest to suicide or starvation."}, {"page_pdf": 87, "page_imprimee": "85", "url_page": "https://bluemountain.princeton.edu/bluemtn/?a=d&d=bmtnaat191311-01.1.87", "texte": "The December issue of THE\nGLEBE will present \"The\nAzure Adder,\" a one-act comedy\nby Charles Demuth.\n\nSubscription price per year, $3.00"}]}